


Toll Road- Accidentally More

by Skellyagogo



Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Avoidant Personality Disorder, F/M, Female reader insert, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:21:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26959498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skellyagogo/pseuds/Skellyagogo
Summary: An incident leaves Y/n without a place to live.  Their current job had kept her from thinking about it, but on the plane ride home it finally sinks in.  She gets help from the last person she expected.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

** *I know that in real life Randy Couture was in the U.S. Army, however, I feel like Toll Road would have started his military career as a Marine and eventually shifted becoming a Navy SEAL. My reasoning is an odd one, but it just feels right considering the black Boonie (floppy hat) he wears in the movies. Not saying that other branches don't have Boonies as well, but something about the way he carries himself feels very Navy SEAL to me.* **

Grumbling on the plane ride home from the most recent job. Sinking into her bench seat letting out a sigh. Y/n finally the reality of her situation setting in. Now that there was no job, no bad guys to chase to keep her mind occupied. Her life slowly felt like it was crumbling. The apartment she owned had burned down the night before she left on the job. The whole building went up in flames, everything she had that wasn't apart of the mercenary lifestyle had gone up in flames.

"It's just... " shaking her head, letting her shoulder slump and meld into the metal wall behind her. "Gone, everything."

She'd tossed around the idea of getting a motel or even staying in the spare room in Tool's shop until her insurance company cut a check for the claim. The guys commiserated with her situation. Just like her, most of them had small places. Really it was just a place to crash between jobs, but the thought of losing everything wasn't something they wanted to endure... in some of their cases again.

Gunner was cleaning his knives having nothing to contribute to the conversation except a grunt of understanding. Barney and Christmas upfront in the cockpit trying to come up with a better idea than staying with Tool. Lacy wouldn't like the idea of Y/n crashing with Lee, not one bit. That was a fight Christmas wasn't willing to step into. Barney's place wasn't big enough and he loved his solitude a little too much. Caesar was having his place remodeled so there weren't even walls up inside. No one expected Toll Road to be the one to speak up. Putting his index finger in his bookmarking his spot, he glanced her way.

"You can stay with me." The rest of the guys got quiet because it wasn't like him at all. He was a peculiar guy with his odd ticks and habits.

"No, I don't want to put you out like that. I'll figure it out." Sifting through her bag with a groan. "I can stand Tool for a few days if need be."

She'd taken a few good hits during the last fight and got tossed into a wall. Barney and Lee exchanged a look as if she'd hit her head a little too hard. She'd run of ammo, her knives lost in bodies somewhere in the village. All she had left was her fists. It might have been worse if it hadn't been for Yang running through at the right time shooting the last of them that had her surrounded. Looking for her canteen wishing it had bourbon instead of water in it. She could still feel Toll Road's gaze on her.

She needed a beer but turned it down when Christmas offered her one. She didn't think she could stop at just one considering the circumstances. Everything she had up in smoke. Thinking of all the things she'd have to replace, but thanking her lucky stars she had a few spare sets of clothes tucked away in the hangar bay. What clothing was in her pack just needed to get washed. At least she'd be alright for a couple of days. Y/n had her life, her health albeit a few new bruises, her truck, and a plane full of idiots she considered some of the best friends she'd had since her years in the service so life could have been worse.

"I got a spare room, it's not much but better than fending off Tool." Toll's face was unreadable, even Ceasar was taken back at the offer. He kept glancing back and forth between them expecting some punch line.

"Are you sure?" Despite it, all exhaustion was winning out. Sleepily blinking back at Toll.

"Why not, you too scared?" There was a tiny curl at the edge of his mouth despite the husky serious tone as he stared back at her. It almost had her choking on her water.

"Alright, guess I'm following you home," but the thought of staying with Toll only opened up another can of worms that Y/n had tried to keep sealed shut.

He nodded his head and went back to his book without another word. Dozing off letting sleep pull her away, she couldn't help but get that feeling that someone was watching her. Peeking through heavy lids, Y/n caught Toll staring. For a moment she even thought she saw a tint of color flashover that tanned scruffy face of his.

**~~~~~~**

Half asleep behind the wheel, she followed Toll deeper into an older neighborhood. Ancient tree-lined streets with gas lamps lighting the way. Neatly trimmed manicured lawns. He pulled into the driveway of a darkened house. The outside screaming old school New Orleans. Wrought iron fencing and dark shutters. Cream white paint covered in shadows of the branches of the Willow tree in the front yard. Not exactly what she expected for someone like Toll.

Parking his bike inside his garage, he turned back towards her hopping off his bike. Y/n found herself distracted for a lack of words staring at his thighs. Thick and muscular hidden beneath a pair of army green cargo pants. For the second time that night, she swore he was smiling. It had to have been a trick of the light, glare or shadow from her headlights because Toll just didn't smile like that.

There was something about the way he watched Y/n as he walked towards her. Like a predator stalking prey. Y/n had doubts now about staying here with that look. Just as he passed her driver's side window, there was that hint of a smile again. A tiny curl at the corner of his mouth. Gulping air questioning her life choices watching him reaching into the bed of the truck through the side mirror. He grabbed her lone pack and headed toward the front door motioning for her to follow.

It was sparse inside, minimal furniture except for the dozens of bookshelves dotted through the house. The living room had a large comfy worn in chocolate brown leather couch, big enough to fit his massive stature laying down. The room complete with a big screen tv on the wall. Toll didn't say much as first, Y/n figured he was getting used to someone else being there.

The spare room he showed her wasn't much, just a bed and walls lined with bookshelves that were overflowing. There was an adjoining bathroom that was just as sparse as the bedroom. The walls were neutral tones and the floors were hardwood. It all seemed... calm in away.

"It's not much," he seemed nervous leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed. Nicks and bruises from their mission had formed. Y/n noticed the puffiness on the bridge of his nose. He must have taken a punch to the face amid the melee.

"Looks fantastic to me," she yawned. Overtired but in dire need of a shower. Y/n did the unthinkable and hugged Toll. The sudden contact made him stiffen, his arms fell limp at his sides. "Thank you," she groggily whispered. Toll didn't speak only nodded his head once and left her alone.

Heading into the bathroom and jumping in the shower. Y/n was relishing in the hot water after three weeks of nothing but icy cold rivers. Toll heard her tiredly singing from his bedroom as he stripped off his gear. He was momentarily brought down by the sound of it. Slumping hard onto his mattress, he closed his eyes and listened. The words to an old Kansas song echoing from within her shower.

**_"Carry on my wayward son,_ **

**_they'll be peace when you are done,_ **

**_lay your weary head to rest,_ **

**_don't you cry no more."_ **

Toll didn't know Y/n had that kind of sound inside her, all that range. Even as tired as she was, to him, Y/n sounded like she was singing her heart out up on stage in front of hundreds of people. He never noticed how sweet those words sounded, how sweet she sounded. Toll felt like he was waking up for the first time. How had he never caught wind of the melody in her voice before? For the first time in a while, this place, this house, didn't feel that lonely to him anymore.

**~~~~~~**

Sitting at the kitchen island digging into a bowl of Toll's cereal. Y/n wasn't sure how angry he'd be about that, but she threw caution into the wind. There wasn't anything else in the fridge besides a jug of milk one day past its expiration date. Hardly a thing in the cabinets except for several boxes of cereal, a few cans of coffee, and an asinine amount of protein powder. Sifting through texts on her phone, the spoon halfway to her mouth when Toll sauntered into the kitchen. Y/n gasped, the spoon slipped from her fingers and splashed into the bowl. The sound of it drowned out by Toll's bellowing yawn.

Standing in front of the sink pouring himself a glass of water in nothing but a pair of maroon boxers. Who knew he was hiding a nice ass under that gear? It was just... mmm scrumptious. How in the hell... just damn. Brain .exe has failed to function. Chugging the glass of water, suffering from morning cottonmouth. His head tilting from side to side making cracking and crunching sounds as he tried to wake himself up.

Thick muscular albeit slightly hairy thighs, calves with definition for days. Broad shoulders he rolled as he stretched out. His jaw clenching as he cracked his neck yet again. A tiny glimpse of their emblem on his forearm. Dark black ink that created the raven sat atop a skull.

But that ass. Tight and round. Y/n swore she could bounce a quarter off that damned thing. Thoughts of just sinking her teeth into it or even just getting a nice handful squeezing him. Christ when the hell was the last time she had sex? No, no, no, this wasn't helping her at all. His house, his rules, he can walk around however he wants, even if it was giving Y/n a reason for a cold shower.

"Hot damn!" Y/n whispered biting her lip.

Upon hearing the faint muttering behind him, Toll remembered he had a guest. The muscles he just stretched out from a rough night's sleep found themselves tensing again. He felt the anxiousness start, the twitch in his hand. Grabbing himself a cup of coffee, he grunted an incoherent 'morning'.

He wasn't sure why he didn't want to look at her just yet. Perhaps it was because of the images that waltzed through his dreams that night before. The same images that were floating in front of his eyes at that very moment as he stood in front of the kitchen sink. The 'activities' he saw himself engaging in with Y/n. The touch of her lips, the sounds of her moans. The way she screamed his name begging for more. He could still feel her body pressed to his, her nails digging in his back. Toll was panicking like Y/n could see him reliving his dreams at that moment. 

Taking a few long gulps nearly finishing his coffee hoping to shut down the vividness of it all. Toll had to get out of his head, had to stop thinking about it. It was nothing more than a dream. His muscles stretching and flexing throughout his body as he reached into the cupboard for a bowl. Anxiety creeping up on him, tensing when he knew he shouldn't. It was only Y/n after all. The smell of the cereal in her bowl made his stomach start rumbling. Parts of his back rippling and flexing.

'Christ,' Y/n thought. She could wash her clothes on his chest, hell even his back. Definition lines along his abs like an old school washboard. That notorious V-line muscle along his hips. The very thing that made women all over the world a drooling mess forgetting their own names just catching a glimpse of it. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand thinking she was doing just that, drooling. Hoping he wouldn't notice her awkwardness.

Standing across from her, she eyed him up and down. Mouth agape, lazily blinking. Trying to hide that bashful smile behind her hand as she wiped her mouth yet again. He hadn't noticed yet, too focused on the cereal box. Pouring himself a heaping bowlful of the sugary cereal. Toll leaned on the counter across from her digging in.

The only thing keeping Y/n from doing something rash was the kitchen island between them. Her willpower was on empty staring at that specimen of a man. It was difficult enough for her and that little crush she harbored, but this, this was agonizing. Loud crunching as Toll ate the sugary sweet little charm shaped cereals and marshmallows hid the girlish sigh that slipped out of her mouth.

Crossing his ankle over the other as he leaned back on the counter made the bulge beneath that Hanes cottony fabric Y/n's newest focal point. No matter what Y/n was screaming in her head she couldn't look away. Y/n had grown accustomed to a lot of close up situations with the rest of the guys over the years. Stitching wounds, huddling together during firefights, even posing as a couple with some of them to get intel. She'd seen their bodies in various states, but this, right here, right now with Toll was pushing it. He had a raging case of morning wood and he was utterly unphased by it.

"You looking at my ear?" He asked between bites. His brain automatically goes there without a second thought.

"Most definitely not." The words stick in her throat. Gulping loudly.

Toll caught the flush on her cheeks and followed her eye line. Sudden confidence he hadn't felt since he was a young teenager roaring to life inside him. He leaned back farther, slightly pushing out his hips watching Y/n's eyes widen.

"Gonna make a run to the store in a bit, you want anything?" He struggled to keep an unreadable expression. He wanted to laugh so bad seeing her like that, the opposite of everything he'd ever known her to be. One of the guys, unflappable by the exposed bits while patching each other up on the plane rides home.

"Can't buy what I want at the store." She muttered under her breath but Toll heard it. Shaking her head and trying to finish the rest of her cereal.

He smiled taking a bite of cereal watching her eyes shifting, glancing at him again. Seeing her tongue run over her lips, biting the inside of her cheek. Finally sucking in her plump bottom lip unable to look away. Y/n's thoughts interrupted by the front doorbell ringing. Caesar's roaring voice yelling out from behind the door to open up.

"Oh thank god," she mumbled jumping off the stool and heading towards the living room to let him in. Toll couldn't help but laugh.

**~~~~~~**

A couple of nights into Y/n's stay, Toll woke up in the middle of the night with an eerie feeling that rattled him. Sitting up in a cold sweat feeling like something was wrong. He knew his house inside and out, but there was something that was off. Even the air didn't feel right. He sat listening to the silence. Thoughts that someone had dared break in stood out in the forefront of his mind, but then he heard the whimper through the walls. It was low almost inaudible, but the sound of it was filled with fright and pain.

Jumping out of bed, he raced out his bedroom door. Down the hall, eyes on the hunt for someone who shouldn't be there. Adrenaline and anxiousness buzzing like electricity shooting through his veins. Stopping outside of Y/n's door, pressing his ear against the wooden door listening. Hearing the faint murmur of her voice. Peeking inside he saw Y/n tossing in her sleep. Legs thrashing against the sheets. Her fists balled up so tightly her knuckles were practically white, devoid of circulation. Beads of sweat around her hairline, droplets sliding down wetting the pillow beneath her head. He heard her whimpering again, saw the sheer panic and fear on her sleeping face.

"No," Y/n groaned weakly.

The agony in her voice left him stunned. He'd only ever heard Y/n sound strong, so confident over the years. Even in the face of certain death, she spat back snarky remarks and snarls. Growling cutting remarks about their mothers and the like, but now. He hated how fragile she sounded.

"No," the sound of panic in her voice as she shifted in her sleep.

Covering her face with her hands as if she was protecting herself from an attack. Y/n muttered the name of a little village from a job years ago. The memories of that job rushing back to Toll. He hated that job, nothing about it felt right from the start. Y/n had gotten cut off from the group, herded into a trap she couldn't escape from. No ammo, no knives, nothing. They swarmed and overpowered her. She fought tirelessly and hard, but it wasn't enough.

The anger and rage filling him again just as it did all those years ago. Feeling helpless as those men spirited her away and none of them could have done a thing to stop it. It happened in the blink of an eye. All the cards stacked against them. Little to no ammo left, their bodies running on fumes. They spent days tracking those men, tracking her. They didn't leave a soul alive when they finally found them, only bodies for the birds to feast on in their wake.

Remembering the blood, so much blood, dripping, and caked all over her. The limp way Y/n's body hung from the chains strung up in the ceiling. The toes of her boots barely scraping the floor. Droplets and pools of her blood speckled all around the cement and dirt on the ground. The broken eye socket, the puffy swollen eyes. Bruises on top of bruises. Her clothing was torn to shreds.

Deep angry red welts along her back from where they lashed Y/n with a whip. Gashes into her skin from head to toe. Some faint enough to heal and disappear with time, others would live on with her forever. The air was so heavy with the scent of copper and sweat. It was the first time in a long time that the sight of something like that had made him want to throw up.

Broken fingers and a dislocated shoulder. Cracked ribs that had Y/n gasping and wheezing for breath. Head hung low, chin resting haphazardly on her chest. Y/n didn't even move hearing the door to the cell she was kept in open. Not giving her assailants the satisfaction of seeing her squirm. Mustering up the strength to speak. Her voice dry and cracked. Y/n's words slurred from exhaustion and a broken jaw but filled with venom either way.

"When I get loose ... I will kill you all."

Christmas was the first to reach her, calling out her name. Lifting her head, showing them all the damage done. Toll felt like the air had been kicked out of his lungs seeing Y/n like that. His emotions raging so close to going off the rails. He wanted to punch someone, something, anything. Christmas was cursing and promising Y/n that they all paid for what they did.

That their bodies were down in the dirt and never getting up again. Gunner freed her hands while Christmas did his best to hold Y/n upright, but there was so damage, too much trauma done. It was Ceasar that stepped in, handing off his rifle to Gunner. He lifted Y/n in his arms like she weighed nothing at all, but at that point, it was truer than they knew. Gingerly and carefully he carried Y/n back to the plane.

Toll still hated that mission to this day and seeing that it still affected Y/n made his hatred that much worse. He sat beside her on the bed, quietly calling out her name. Afraid if he touched her, it would set her off. He knew it wasn't the best idea to touch someone suffering a night terror.

Y/n sat up screaming in a sheen of sweat. Her hand instinctively went to his throat. The memories had her thinking it was real, that it was happening all over again. Squeezing and gripping tight, fingernails digging in. Her nails broke his skin, he felt the warm droplets of blood trickle down his neck, but that wasn't his concern at the moment. Catching the wildness in Y/n's eyes, the struggle to recognize her surroundings. Her breath slowed, chest still heaving as she looked his way finally seeing what was real and what wasn't. Y/n's hand immediately dropped.

"Toll?" Panic still thick as it cracked in her voice.

Her eyes drifted to his throat and the damage she caused. Jumping to her knees, shoving the blankets aside, she wiped away the blood with the edge of her t-shirt. Toll sat speechless, understanding and empathy flashing over his eyes.

"I-I'm so sorry." Y/n gasped, but the terror that flooded her face was too much, even for him.

Slowly Toll reached out, his hand curled around hers as it tried in vain to stop the bleeding. He hardly felt the pain she'd caused him, nor was he bothered by it. He knew what she was going through all too well. Her hand was warm and yet clammy in his, but somehow her skin was smooth. Smoother than he ever realized. His thumb swept over the underside of her wrist. The touch made Y/n shake, her whole body trembled as she crumbled into his chest. She gasped and clung onto him like Y/n was afraid he would disappear.

"Please, don't tell the guys," Y/n softly sobbed. "They'll think I'm weak." She wasn't as strong as she thought she was. Couldn't hide from the damage of the past.

All of the self-help books he'd read and yet the right words to comfort her erased from his mind. Providing comfort wasn't something he was used to, but he found himself relaxing. Letting Y/n curl her body into his as he awkwardly hugged her. Pulling Y/n into his lap as he settled on the bed leaning against the headboard. The arms that'd spent years causing death and destruction, scarred and rough, wound themselves around her. Tugging her into him, feeling her tears slide down onto his bare skin.

Rubbing Y/n's back felt strange like Toll had done it a hundred times before. He could count on his hand the times he physically touched her over the years. All innocent and on the job helping her out of a scrape. The way it felt as his hand moved over her. The way it molded and melted as if it fit just right.

Toll felt like the contours and curves were shaped just for his hand and his hands alone. He sat in silence holding Y/n until she exhausted herself back to sleep. Pulling the blanket back up over her, staring down at her sleeping form. His heart rushing, roaring inside his chest. The thought of what he'd wanted all these years having been hidden in front of him the whole time filled his mind, but nothing could be as simple as that, not for him. He wasn't good enough for something like Y/n.


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks dragged by and Toll found himself tagging along each time Y/n left to check out a new place to live, but he found fault with every single one. Telling her all the ways someone could break-in. Or that it was a terrible neighborhood. That the building wasn't up to code. Or that there was too much lead in the water. How she'd never get any sleep living that close to the Quarter.

Y/n busy admiring the walk-in closet. Dark stained hardwood floors throughout the apartment. Crown molding and high ceilings. Arched doorways and exposed brick walls with large windows that overlooked the busy street below. A balcony off of the living room and main bedroom. Original wrought iron railings and views in either direction. The river to one side and the busy nightlife and historic district to the other.

"Kitchen's too small," Toll grumbled. It was true, but then again it was only going to be her living there, why would it matter? Y/n rolled her eyes and let out an agitated sigh.

"That's not a deal-breaker," she replied walking through the living room and into the other bedroom debating which one was bigger.

"Why do you need two bedrooms anyway?" He hated it, hated all of this. She didn't have to move out, he was just fine with Y/n living in his house.

Going to one open house after another. One shitty ass part of town to another. Watching her fall in love with a place and it's architecture. Watching her mind churning and her eyes visualizing where furniture would go. The original built-in bookshelves, a working fireplace. She wouldn't say no to this place, hell he wouldn't have said no to this place.

He'd selfishly become accustomed to her sounds. Waking up in the morning hearing her in the kitchen, smelling the coffee. He didn't know what she did, but it tasted better when it was made by her somehow. The home-cooked meals, and the back and forth banter between them. Sitting at the kitchen island talking for hours long after the meal was eaten. She made desserts from scratch, appreciated a good wine. Jokingly naming and pairing them with his favorite cereals. He liked waking up each morning hearing her singing. Or that she'd somehow found him a self-help book he hadn't read yet.

"Gee, I don't know," she popped her head out from around the doorway sticking her tongue out at him. "Maybe in case I have a guest or a moronic friend and co-worker that needs a place to crash."

He didn't want to lose the lazy nights spent on the couch with obscene amounts of take-out food and the latest Pay-per-view match up on the big screen. UFC, MMA, the lastest titans in boxing, hell they even watched WWE on the nights they needed a good laugh. Neither would admit that they were hooked on to the drawn-out storylines for WWE.

Peeking at her between the bouts of fighters, smirking seeing her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk stuffed full of food. Something about the way she wasn't afraid to be herself had him wishing he could be the same way.

It was cute the way Y/n thought there was no point in being prim and proper, but still, somehow she managed to look girly. She was very much one of the guys, but at the same time, she made the strangest things seem so feminine without even trying. How could she look that incredible with her mouth crammed full of pizza and a sweater she 'borrowed' from his closet?

The adorable way she'd jump up from her place on the couch, dancing and cheering. Pumping her fists in the air as the fighter she'd picked to win had annihilated his. He never saw the knock out punch, or the fighter slumping to the mat. Never saw the instant replay, his gaze was solely focused on her. Toll was the driver on a runaway train and he knew he had to stop it before it crashed and burned, but he didn't want Y/n to leave.

"I don't like it," was all he said. Shifting from foot to foot trying not to show what was going through his head. Trying to keep his voice as even as possible even though the thought of her leaving was tearing him up inside.

"Fine," she sighed shrugging her shoulders standing in front of him. He was expecting to see the disappointment in her, but she only smiled at him tenderly.

"Fine?" His forehead wrinkled scrunched confused.

"If you think there's something wrong with it, then why wouldn't I trust your judgment?"

He felt guilty knowing that he was lying to her. The truth was, there was absolutely nothing wrong with this place other than the fact it would take her away from him. What was wrong with him? How could he be that selfish, suddenly that dependant on her?

"Come on," Y/n booped his nose with a smirk. "Let's go grab some lunch, my treat. How's a nice steak sound?"

**~~~~~~**

Hanging out in Tool's shop waiting for everyone to assemble to get the details for a new job. Y/n had come in early enough to be alone. A stupid idea had been rolling around in her mind for too long now and she figured what the hell. Not like anyone would notice it anyway. She hadn't been in a relationship or gotten naked in front of someone in ... god knows how long. Deciding to sweet talk Tool into adding a little something to the collection that was the road map of her life.

"Tool," his name sounded silvery, laced with honey as she spoke. "Sweet dear demented Tool." Y/n grinned, downing the rest of her beer as she hopped off of her seat on his pool table. She had been watching him work on some poor soul.

"Ooh, I know that tone all too well darlin'." Swirling the toothpick between his teeth while smiling, finishing up the tattoo of someone who'd walked in from off the street. Tool, not one to turn down making a few bucks for out of towners. "Whadaya want sweetcheeks? Not sure I'm in the market for a new girlfriend just yet," he joked with a wink.

"Just a little something to add to the collection." Y/n smirked holding out her phone showing him the picture.

His eyes darting from the phone and up into her face. Raising an eye chuckling. He knew the symbol well. Had it memorized not needing a picture for reference. He'd inked it many times on bodies over the years, just never had the pleasure of the body being a woman.

"You sure bout that darlin'?" However, he was already gathering a clean needle and the ink vials, setting up his gun.

"Why not?" Shrugging her shoulders sitting down in the now empty chair lifting the corner of her shirt. Patting an empty spot on her side over her ribcage.

"Because..." he grinned knowing more than he let on like he always did, but sighed and went to work. Tool let out a little huffed laugh as she closed her eyes when the needle pierced her skin. "Because a smart man, a book reading man, might think that ... well, that it means something deeper if you catch my drift." Raising his eyes yet again waiting for Y/n to back down.

"All of my tats mean something Tool," smiling up into his eyes with a wink. Y/n was a different creature entirely. "Why would this one be any different?"

Tool was just finishing up and admiring his work when Christmas revved the engine of his Ducati pulling into the shop. Grumbling the second he took his helmet off, griping about the latest argument with Lacy. Y/n and Tool exchanged a laugh. Lee agitatedly twirling one of his blades between his fingers pacing around the shop.

"I can't believe her, yeah." Tossing the knife at the target that hung on the wall across the shop. "Telling me she didn't want me to go to work. That I had to stay home when I've been home for two bloody months!"

"Oh the humanity," Y/n snickered slipped out of the chair. "Your life is just too damned hard Christmas."

"I know!" Christmas grumbled missing Y/n's sarcasm. "Two months of being home and she spent most of it with her friends and now that we got a job, suddenly she's up my ass being clingy saying how much she misses me."

Lifting her arm over her head, Y/n took a good long look at the tattoo in the mirror. Gotta hand it to Tool, he was amazing at what he did. The attention to detail, the shadowing, and vibrant colors. It looked so real like it was pinned to her flesh. The others were just pulling in as Tool applied some cream and taped clear film over the newly inked skin.

Tugging down her shirt grinning, Tool playfully shoved her shoulder as the rest of the men parked their bikes and gave their greetings. The glare from Toll Road didn't escape Tool at all. Smiling Toll's way with a nod, Tool wiggled his eyebrows. He liked getting a rise out of people. Leaning in, Tool left a loud wet smacking sounding kiss on her cheek.

"Anytime you want my hands on that body again sweetcheeks, I'll drop what I'm doing just for you." He knew Toll was getting frustrated, saw his mouth snapping shut. His teeth grinding as his jaw clenched tightly.

"Bless your Lil heart if you think you could handle all this." Y/n chuckled giving her hips a shake. It was a rash and hasty decision to get that emblem inked on her skin, but like she told Tool, all her tattoos had a meaning. This one just held a little deeper one.

"You know," Barney glanced Y/n's way, cigar already in his mouth puffing away. "We usually get the ink after the job."

"What can I say," shrugging her shoulders sauntering across the room handing Toll a beer. "I have poor impulse control." Tool was chuckling in his seat shaking his head. Y/n was his kind of trouble.

"Well," Gunner chimed in as he loomed over Y/n. The tall Swede never gave up the opportunity to give her attention. "Let's see it then." A smirk played on his lips as his fingers grazed the hem of her t-shirt, index finger attempting to hook under it.

"Nope," Y/n spoke with a pop on the 'p' batting his hand away.

Toll was staring at Y/n, studying her expressions. The curiosity reeked as it wafted off him. His gaze focusing on that spot on her side. Christmas peering at Toll, watching the way his eyes lingered, where they lingered. Laughing he nodded at Barney. A mischievous smirk playing at his mouth. After the meeting tonight, all of them were heading to the bar and he was looking for something to take his mind off Lacy. No better way than to cause a little trouble that didn't affect him.

"You feelin' lucky... with your knife skills? Since your love life's been as dry as the Sahara it's the only thing about you that is lucky." Lee stepped towards her, glancing down with a sly grin at where the tattoo was hidden behind thin fabric.

"Oh goody," she grinned sarcastically, handing her fresh beer off to Toll, cracking her knuckles. "Another 'my balls are bigger than yours' contest, cuz I gotta tell you, boys." Shaking her head side to side, stepping up to Lee getting in his face, poking him in his shoulder. "My balls are bigger than all of ya'lls, they just sit higher up." Glaring back at Lee as she cupped her breasts in her palms making them bounce under her shirt.

The toothy wide grin that slid over Caesar's mouth, holding his side leaning over laughing. Toll nearly spit out his beer while the rest of them got lost in a fit of hysterics. Lee scoffed, his tongue rolling inside his mouth.

"If you can beat me then I'll let it go," his smile curled up on the edge of his lips. "But if I win, he paused. "and I always do..."

In a flash, Y/n's knife was out of her boot and sailing through the air sinking into the target. Landing just outside the line marking the middle. Lee pulled his arm back letting his knife fly. Laughing as it sunk dead center. Turning back with a smug grin.

"As I was saying before you so rudely and prematurely shot your load. If I win and clearly I did, you've got two choices." Turning in a circle smirking at the rest of the guys.

"Well get on with it then," she sighed assuming flashing the new ink was the punishment for losing. She wasn't looking forward to the comments and teasing, but that possibility would have been farther down the road if she had her way. Like months from now.

"Choice one, you show the tat," rubbing his chin smugly. "Or two, you kiss the ear."

"Ear?! Is that some British slang for that tiny thing between your legs?" Folding her arms across her chest. The banter with Christmas since day one was entertaining, to say the least.

"That ear," Christmas smirked pointing towards Toll.

Toll stood upright glaring, squinting his eyes. Y/n could see the memorized rant about his ear flashing on his face ready to spill out of his mouth. She hated that look, despised it with every fiber of her being. The look that said he was so far in his head and only heard the negative. He was thinking the worst and ready to fight over nothing. Y/n would try to end it once and for all, maybe.

"That," Y/n sighed nodding her head. Appearing as if she was mulling over the choice, but it'd already been made with that look in Toll's eyes. "Is a no brainer."

Letting her arms fall at her side, fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. Instead of doing what Christmas thought Y/n would, she walked closer to Toll. Toll was caught between scowling at Christmas and watching her. The wrinkle lines on his forehead scrunching together staring as she took another step closer, fingers still clutched on the edge of her shirt.

Another step closer and the tips of her boots bounced into his. Tilting his head to the side, apprehension, and curiosity taking hold. He thought he'd figured out all her little quirks, but now... now she was throwing him for a loop. Standing so close he could smell the hops from her beer on her breath. Overwhelmed by the scent of her shampoo, that exotic floral fragrance.

Y/n's hand gripped tight, fingers curling around the material slowly lifting it exposing the hem of her jeans and a hint of her hip. Tanned skin not yet covered in splashes of inky color. Smiling up at Toll, seeing the scowl slowly disappearing. She bit back the smile seeing the hitch in his breath. The swallow of air and the flex of the muscles in his jaw. Those deep blue/ grey eyes of his trailing downward catching a glimpse of her hip, waiting for her shirt to rise higher. Y/n's other hand settling on his cheek. Scruff tickling her palm. Letting her index finger glide over his jaw. His eyes snapped onto hers.

Y/n's hand sliding to the back of his closely shaven head. Gently pulling it closer towards her as she leaned up. Her breath tickling his ear. His hand almost attempted to brush Y/n away, but his heart screaming out to stop, wanting to see what would happen. Her lips were soft and warm. Lightly pressed against the ear he hated. Closing her eyes, he felt the sigh she let go of.

It wasn't what Toll expected at all. He thought she'd show the tattoo given how she held onto her shirt. Lifting it and showing some skin was just a farce, a distraction for the rest of them. Y/n felt his body shudder. Felt the tips of his fingers as they grazed across her thigh hidden from the eyes of the others.

Y/n didn't plan on lingering so long, but there was just something about Toll. The way he smelled, the alpha-like heat that radiated off of him. A power that called out to her, begging her to get closer. Like a siren's call, tempting her to do things she knew she shouldn't.

One little kiss on tip of that cauliflower ear turned into little feather-like kisses that stretched over every millimeter of it. Y/n felt a faint pull as his fingers grasped onto the lip of her pocket tugging her hips flush against his thigh. That damned heat, pulsing and emanating off him filling her. Hotter than the muggy night outside. How was this man even real? Toll was like something that belonged in a fairytale.

Toll was afraid to close his eyes thinking it was another remnant of a dream he repeated each night. The thought that her being that close was nothing more than a daydream. A waking fantasy. The two beers he held between his fingers clinking together. The sound of the glass as the bottles scratched colliding into each other. The force in his hand as he clutched them tightly. He didn't want to look at any of the men, his eyes drifting around her features.

Soft wavy hair that fell over her shoulders. Willowy strands that fluttered in a breeze that wafted in from the open door. Struggling to keep from dropping the beers to the floor. Letting them break and crash to the concrete so he could find out what those lips of her felt like pressed to his. His restraint was thin, cracks appearing in its foundation ready to give way.

Animalistic needs hammering inside him. Toll wanted to taste her. To nibble on her bottom lip hearing her purr. Feel her quivering and coming undone. See her eyes dilate and blown wide as he slipped his tongue it, letting it roll and curl around hers. He wanted to feel her hands needily pawing at him wanting more. He wanted nothing more than to pick her up and shove her into the nearest wall feeling her shake beneath him. Feel her thighs clenched tightly around his waist.

To see her eyes begging, wanting more as he kissed down her neck. To lay waste to that t-shirt, tearing it to shreds. Lavishing greedy kisses over her curves. Letting his hands roam in an onslaught of stimulation. Feeling her bare skin shudder, watching the little goosebumps fan over her flesh as his fingertips grazed just enough to drive her insane for more. Swallowing a mouthful of air, Toll felt a familiar tightness in his shorts. The second she stepped away from him, the guys would see just how much Y/n affected him.

Y/n reluctantly pulled away hearing the coughing and loud throat clearing behind them. Her face a little flushed, the tips of her ears burning. Toll was speechless and in a daze. She felt the tremble as her hand left his neck. Despite the commotion behind them, Y/n just couldn't look away from Toll. She caught the bewildered flutter in his eyes, the darkened pupils.

'Maybe' he thought, his ear wasn't that terrible, not if a woman like her would kiss it.

"Right," coughed Christmas. "You need to check your needles, Tool. I think the last one gave her an infection that addled her brain."

Without missing a beat or looking away from Toll, Y/n threw the knife that was tucked hidden in the back of her jeans at the target knocking Lee's clean off the board. The sound of the metal as it clanged to the floor was deafening in the sudden silence of the room. Tensions high, so thick you could choke on it. Toll's eyes shifting between hers, so much hidden inside both pairs.

"You were saying," Y/n coughed weakly, finally breaking the hold Toll seemed to have on her with just a glance. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Written while listening to 'Let Me Hold You' by Josh Krajcik*

Late one afternoon, months into Y/n's stay, Toll found himself munching on yet another bowl of cereal of the day, absentmindedly stress eating. Y/n had come home from the grocery store the day before with ten massive family-sized boxes, and each of them was a favorite of his. Leaning against the frame of the open front door watching her underneath her truck. The hood opened on the ancient beast, a battered toolbox on the cement driveway next to her.

Grimy overalls stained with grease, oil, and gasoline. A well-worn pair of black leather boots on her feet shaking back and forth to the classic rock coming out of her phone that sat on the passenger seat of the truck. He knew that working on that truck was sort of her therapy. She often pulled it inside the hangar bay and spent long nights fixing what didn't even need fixing just to take her mind off the job they'd come home from.

It's was the sexiest damn thing he'd seen in ages. Rolling herself out from underneath the truck. He'd never wanted to be an inanimate object in his life until seeing Y/n on that shop creeper. Losing all interest in his cereal, leaving it on the table inside the doorway. He snuck up behind her as she was bent over tinkering within the engine.

"You ever think of gettin' a bike?" He chuckled hearing her yelp, the wrench slipping from her hands.

"Not really," she sighed bending over picking up the wrench.

Even threw the overalls he could see every curve. He groaned at the sight of her ass without even thinking. Thoughts of what happened in Tool's shop flooding his mind. It seemed to happen multiple times a day since it happened. Snapping up straight Y/n arched an eye his way and rolled her eyes. She'd been hit on a lot, mostly by Gunner, but all of them had checked her out at least once or twice, (or in Gunner's case every time he saw her) at some point over the years. Toll was busted and he knew it, but a small brave part of him didn't care.

"Don't get me wrong, I like bikes, but I love this truck more. Barney is to that damned plane as this truck is to me. I've had her since high school if you can believe it and I'll keep her until she falls apart or I die." Her fingers gliding over the slick worn down paint and the rough metal grill of the truck.

"It's a nice truck, but a bit old don't ya think?" His voice dropped slightly deeper as he stepped closer to her. The outside of his thigh rubbed against hers. Testing the waters, still believing that everything she'd done meant nothing, that it was all in his head, but part of him hoped.

Y/n smiled slipping a hand around his lower back, leaning her head on his shoulder. She felt him tense, his muscles stiffen at her contact. Toll exhaled heavily slowly relaxing, he could do this. He could push back against the demons inside. She never meant to make him feel uncomfortable. As she lifted her head starting to break apart from him, Toll's arm wrapped around her waist.

Strong deadly long fingers splayed out along her hip. She let her head fall back to its spot on his shoulder. Peeking up at him, she caught the hint of a smile. He seemed like he was having a good day, like the demons inside his head had taken a break. If he was comfortable in that closeness then who was she to pull away.

"Don't let outer appearances fool you," Y/n laughed not realizing how much more she was saying with her words than she intended. "She'll outrun anything with this engine, besides, I like the faded paint." Again her fingers slid delicately over the paint. "Sometimes older things just need a little polish and a lot of love. Being old doesn't mean shit. She's clear-coated so the rusty looking paint makes people think she's not worth it," her fingers trailing over the shiny new engine inside. "But then she's hiding all this power underneath. Beastly, hungry, and looking prove herself. Maybe one day I'll race Christmas just to watch his face as I beat that piece of shit Ducati."

An idea popped in Toll's mind. Pushing itself passed the anxiety trying to take control. Sometimes the best sort of therapy was a nice long drive. Grinning he took the wrench from her hand and tossed it in the toolbox. Her head popped off his shoulder as she scrunched her eyes questioningly.

"Go get changed," the grin widened as he saw one creeping its way across her mouth.

"Why?" Suspicious, Toll was a creature of habit when he was home. Didn't usually deviate from his routine.

"We haven't done anything fun in a couple of days, just go get dressed and I'll grab you a helmet." There was a playful air of authority as he spoke, almost daring her to question him again.

Standing there eyeing him funny, Y/n was fighting back a smirk. When she didn't move, he poked her shoulder and sternly pointed towards the house. His 'serial killer' glare offset by the smile clung to his mouth.

Driving through the backroads, deep in the countryside. Long winding roads lined with gnarled and ancient trees. He'd drive all night if it kept her pressed against him. Toll caught himself several times taking a handoff his handlebar wanting to grasp onto one of hers that was clung to his chest. Each time he'd speed up, he felt her holding on tighter. It did something to him he wasn't ready to accept, didn't want to believe could be true.

His mind was racing with thoughts he knew he shouldn't be thinking. Y/n was just a friend, just a person that he worked with and had his back in the field. Nothing more would ever come from it because why would someone like her fall for a schmuck like him? Set in his ways and struggling just to make it through some days. He had demons that kept him from feeling even the slightest bit normal.

Toll drove around until dusk, finally pulling in to a little secluded spot near the water. A park that hadn't been used, not since Hurricane Katrina. Wild grasses, unkempt and overgrown filled the tiny baseball field. Crickets chirping their songs into the breeze. He took a hold of Y/n's hand gently pulling her towards the playground equipment. He could see her smile in the dim light. Stars just beginning to poke out in the skies above.

Testing the strength of the chain that held the swing before she sat down. Pushing herself backward with the tips of her boots. He stood watching her in silence. Watching her face light up in childish glee the faster and higher she went on that swing. Her hair billowing around her, waving wildly in the night wind.

Y/n was a daredevil sometimes. Liked speed and adrenaline. Loved the rush that came with the job because it made her feel alive. Made her realize that for all she had gone through, all she lost, that she was still alive. So that made her enjoy her time, what was left of her life while she could.

She giggled into the brisk night wind. Toll watched her flip her legs up and wrap them around the chains. The rubber seat of the swing resting on her lower back. She was upside down swinging back and forth like an acrobat. Her arms stretched out beside her. It was cliche Toll thought, but she was beautiful in that moment. The most perfect creature he'd ever seen.

Free of nightmares, free of the past. She was free of all of it. It was just her and that swing flying through the air. Beauty and grace wrapped up in a woman that wouldn't hesitate to punch someone in the face. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her right then and there. He wanted to feel those lips. Feel her melting into him. Feel that soft skin brushing up against his. He wanted to feel safe in her embrace.

"You ever think about dating?" His words carried a curious weight within them.

The demons inside his head were already formulating an answer. Making him feel as if he couldn't handle hearing Y/n's answer. Pulling on the chains of the swing next to her, testing their strength before he slumped his large frame onto the tiny swing. Pushing himself slowly with the heel of his boot.

"The thought comes up a lot actually," Y/n let her legs fall back on the ground, adjusting herself on the rubber swing glancing his way with a soft smile. "What about you?"

"Not something that was ever easy with... this," his hand motioned around his head as if his disorder was something that could be visibly seen.

"Can I ask you something?" There was such a delicate tenderness in her voice that made Toll ache. "I mean it might be a bit personal and I don't... I don't want to offend." 

Toll mulled over her words and nodded his head.

"Why don't you like yourself?" She kicked the ground pushing her swing slowly backward. "Did someone... "

"My childhood was as fucked up as the next guys, alcoholic abusive parents." He muttered staring off into the grassy field beyond them. "Joined the Marines as soon as I turned 18 and didn't look back. Met a woman after finishing Boot Camp that I thought was my whole world, but..." Shaking his head trying to keep those memories from surfacing. "Sometimes a pretty face hides the worst evil a man can experience."

Y/n jumped off her swing and stood in front of him, slowing the movement of his swing. Flickers of moonlight dancing in her eyes. He watched her hands as they softly rested on his face. Closing his eyes feeling her warmth travel through him. Her legs tucked in between his as she leaned in hugging him tightly.

He didn't fight the urge to recoil, instead letting his muscular arms encircle around her. Letting out a heavy sigh as his head thumped onto her chest. He never liked being touched, never liked being held. Not since that vile woman from his past ruined his life and messed with his mind.

Y/n was quiet, though her heart pounded thunderously in his ears. Toll felt her sigh, the light touches of her fingers as they stroked down his back. Her chin resting atop his head as she squeezed him harder. He felt the gentle kiss she left.

"You gotta love yourself Toll," she whispered into the wind. "You have no idea how incredible you are."

He was in deep and stuck within his head and that's what kept preventing him from getting what he wanted. It didn't matter that Y/n was just a woman in a park late at night with a man that would have done anything for her without question. Toll felt he could never be what Y/n needed, what she deserved. Toll held onto to her like his life depended on it and maybe in a way it did.

**~~~~~~**

"Have you seen my blue Hawaiian shirt?" Toll called out from his closet rifling through his clothing.

Fresh out of the shower and partially dreading the errands they were about to run. The demons inside his head were rearing up, bellowing out their ugly songs. His anxieties were on edge since he'd woken up. It was going to be a rough day, but he was trying to soldier on and not give them what they wanted. He swore he saw the shirt hanging in there a couple of days ago.

"Um... noooo." Y/n answered from her room down the hall. The faint sounds of the band Bad Company playing from her stereo, she was humming the words.

"You sure? You did laundry last." Sifting through the laundry basket of clothes Y/n had left on his bed.

He wouldn't let her pay rent. It wasn't Y/n's fault her home burned down and it felt weird asking her for money. So in exchange for letting her stay there, Y/n cooked, baked, and cleaned around the house without complaint just to avoid him having to have that awkward conversation over money. They traded off on buying groceries and take-out every other week. It was a win-win for him because he hated laundry. The whole process of it was tedious to him. He didn't mind her cooking. It was fantastic, though the couple of extra pounds he'd gained meant more time at the gym and not so subtle jokes from Caesar.

Nowhere in sight was his favorite shirt as he flipped his hand from hanger to hanger almost missing the one that was naked without a piece of clothing. Rolling his eyes smiling. She'd replaced some of the clothing she'd lost in the fire, but more often she 'borrowed' items from his closet. Pulling on a clean pair of jeans and tossing on a white t-shirt, he knew he'd find the 'thief' just a few yards down the hall and get it back.

"I don't have the faintest idea where that silly shirt is." Y/n wasn't fooling anyone with that guilty playful tone. Toll knew if it was anyone else he would have been pissed, ready to knock a motherfucker out. "Why don't you wear the red bowling shirt. That one looks fantastic on you, brings out your eyes."

"You're wearing my shirt, aren't you?" Stalking down the hallway holding in the chuckle, hearing her feet scrambling on the tile floor of her bathroom.

They were heading out to a local book store to get his newest order and for her to look around. She wanted to stop at Cafe Du Monde and grab some coffee and he knew that would turn into getting beignets as well, it always did. Like clockwork each month for six days straight she'd crave iced coffee and those damned fried donuts. It felt odd to him to know something that 'intimate' about her. Knowing when that 'time of the month' was about to hit when she'd ramble about chickory and powdered sugar.

She wasn't anything like he'd experienced from a woman during that time. Y/n was cheerful albeit a little in discomfort, but she never mentioned it not wanting to 'discuss' such things with him. He wouldn't have minded he supposed. It's not like she could control Mother Nature. Y/n would curl up on the couch with a book and bury herself in blankets.

A few times she'd fallen asleep in the most uncomfortable looking positions. He'd smirk and shake his head putting his book aside. He'd never heard her snore before, but for those brief few days, she did. It wasn't loud enough to pick up on unless you were listening for it. Faint little noises that sounded more like a tiny kitten trying to meow. He tried to film it to tease her about it later, but instead chose to snap a quick picture of her drooling and sent it to the boys.

After her caffeine and fried goodness fix, it would be an anxiety-ridden trip inside the grocery store and the glances and stares he knew were inevitable. That was what had his demons in an uproar. He felt like he had a neon sign blinking over his head that read, 'stare at the guy with the inferiority complex'. God he wished he could just be normal, to not have the stupidest things set him off. To not feel as if every person in the store was staring at him.

"I would never!" Her laughter billowing out and into the hallway.

Poking his head inside her doorway he caught her finishing the Viking mohawk braid in her hair. The area had spent the better part of a week in a tropical storm. The winds were horrendous and the rain was fierce enough to feel like getting shot with a paintball so they hunkered down inside the house. Barney hadn't called about a job and they had no place better to be.

Toll planned on reading his way through the storm but caved the moment she asked if he'd ever seen Vikings. He wasn't that much of a television 'show' sort of guy, mostly sports, but he couldn't resist that smile of hers. So they spent the better part of the past week binge-watching several seasons of Vikings.

Curled up on the couch sharing a blanket smooshed side by side. She'd even made some popcorn concoction with white chocolate and Fruity Pebbles. It was sticky and sweet and he couldn't help but stare out of the corner of his eye as she licked and sucked the chocolate off her fingers.

He had that same feeling churning inside him now as he did watching her that night. Denim cut off shorts with the pockets poking out. Long legs showing off her tattoos, her artwork. Black Converse hightops, a little white tank top, and his blue Hawaiian shirt. The sleeves rolled up showing off the ink on her arms and the front tied up in a knot. Sort of a crop top he supposed, but she made it look... simply divine.

"I-is that my shirt?" Hoping she wouldn't notice the slight crack in his voice. He raised an eye, biting back a hopeless smile.

"Fine!" She chuckled spinning around in a circle like she was modeling the outfit. "Don't get mad I look better in it than you do."

"That you do, sweetheart, that you do," he muttered with a heavy sigh. That idiot muscle in his chest rattling around beating like a madman.

"What was that?" She questioned grabbing her wallet from her dresser.

"I said, aren't you ready yet?" Groaning trying to appear annoyed as she booped his nose pushing past him in the doorway.

**~~~~~**

"Sorry, they didn't have your order ready." Sitting across from each other at a little table out on the patio of Cafe Du Monde. Iced coffees in hand and a basket full of beignets in the center of the table. Little smudges of powdered sugar on her lips and chin.

"Can't win all the time," he snickered at the light dusting of the powdery sweetness on her face.

"What's so funny?" Y/n eyed him with a glare.

"You've got a little something," reaching across the bistro table wiping his thumb across her chin. Had they been anywhere but in public Toll would have licked it off her face, but instead, he sat and pined over something his demons wouldn't let himself have.

"Hey, I know that 'social' things aren't really well... your thing," sipping from her coffee hiding nerves. "But there's a Hendrix tribute band playing at House of Blues next Friday. I was wondering, maybe if you're up to it... maybe you'd like to go?"

"I uh... I don't know," Toll rubbed the back of his neck. Just the thought of that place crowded as it would be, all the people setting him on edge.

"Yeah," Y/n sighed spinning her straw in her glass staring at the tabletop. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"Can I think about it?" He stretched out his legs leaning back in his chair noticing a tiny hint of disappointment swimming over her face.

"No pressure," popping the last fried morsel in her mouth with a forced grin.

Toll sat watching her playing with her straw. He wasn't sure what felt worse, letting the demons inside his head win again or being the cause of that sadness in her eyes. It's not like Y/n was trying to force him into doing something he didn't want to it. It was more like she was slowly pulling him out of quicksand and saving him from himself. The thought of being in that venue was still nerve-wracking but nowhere near as bad as it would have before living with her.

**~~~~~**

"Stop hitting me with the cart," Y/n half growled, half laughed glancing back at Toll as they walked down the widening grocery aisle.

"Carts got a bum wheel," Toll feigning innocence with a shoulder shrug. "Keeps pulling to the left."

Something about her being near him helped him forget where he was. Forget the people and drowned out the anxiety rushing through him. Leaning over to get a good look at the cuts of meat behind the meat counters display case, Toll bumped the cart into her ass sending Y/n stumbling forward. Standing up, scowling at Toll not hiding his side smirk, Y/n pointed an accusing finger his way.

"You're trouble," she groaned with a blush rubbing the sore spot on her butt.

"You mean I am trouble or I'm in trouble?" Toll chuckled nudging the cart into her thigh. Y/n just brought out a childish side in him and he liked it.

"Both," Y/n rolled her eyes smacking his shoulder. "I was going to grill out some steaks, but I think you need punishment for your shenanigans." Sticking out her tongue at him. "Chicken breasts, brown rice, and steamed vegetables for dinner it is."

"Jokes on you," he grinned in an annoyingly cute way. "I like steamed vegetables."

A sweet little old lady passing by stopped her cart beside Y/n and Toll and smiled. She'd watched the playfulness between Toll and Y/n for some time now throughout the grocery store.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she glanced between the two of them. "But I just have to say you two are the sweetest couple I've ever seen." Toll opened his mouth to reply but Y/n beat him to it sensing his social anxieties.

"Thanks," Y/n smirked, winking at Toll.

"You remind me of my late husband and me." She had such an endearing look upon her face as she smiled. Like she was remembering all the good times long ago. "We used to tease each other like that. Mind you it wasn't the sort of thing people found acceptable in public in our day."

"He's a handful," Y/n giggled seeing the flustered mess Toll was becoming. 

A hint of color streaking over his face and ears. A thin nervous smile sat upon his mouth as he rubbed the back of his neck. Glancing at Y/n shyly, a glint of pleading in his eyes. He was hoping she wouldn't tease or embarrass him. He didn't even know why he thought she'd be cruel like that but again, the demons were speaking loudly in his ear.

"How long have you two been together?" Her wrinkled tiny hands gripped tightly on the handle of her cart. She was so tiny and frail, as if a puff of air would have blown her away.

"Years," Y/n stood beside Toll leaning her head on his shoulder slipping her arm around his back. "We met at work, that old tale."

"Well," the little old woman offered a sweet smile. "Don't lose that playfulness, it keeps a relationship strong."

Y/n didn't move away from Toll until the kindly old woman had turned around the corner. Smiling shaking her head, Y/n went back to picking out dinner. Toll was... well Toll didn't know what to think about all that, but even at that moment. Just pretending to be together for that little old woman's sake made him ache. He was beyond screwed. Listening to Y/n chatter with the butcher. Seeing the way she smiled as she talked with that woman. The way she held onto him. He didn't mean to, but he had to admit to himself that he'd absolutely, inadvertently fallen in love. 


	4. Chapter 4

"Isn't that Y/n?" Lacy pointed towards a corner of the open venue of the House of Blues near the stage as she swayed dancing next to Lee near the bar.

Lacy had convinced Lee to go out to the House of Blues for a change of scenery. The crowd was heavy and the building was near full capacity. Lee scanned the crowd where Lacy was pointing. Y/n's hair was in messy waves that flowed around her shoulders. Lee almost didn't recognize her, she was dolled up in makeup and a flowery little peasant top pulled down around her shoulders. He'd never seen her like that in all their years working together, not ever, not even on nights out at the bar.

"Yeah, I believe it is," chugging his beer wrapping an arm around Lacy's shoulders.

Curiosity was getting to him. Y/n was supposed to be living with Toll but was she really out with some other guy and oblivious to the way Toll felt about her? Even a blind man could have seen the way those two were around each other. Lee had noticed it years ago, but nothing ever seemed to come out of it besides glances and ridiculously idiotic smiles.

"Who's the guy?" Lacy was eyeballing a tall man just beside Y/n, his face partially hidden by people surrounding them at the edge of the stage. The tall man watching Y/n swaying her body to the music. "Isn't..." there was no way it was him Lacy thought. "Isn't your friend Toll?"

"Impossible, he'd never come to something like this. He's ..." Lee was blown away.

Toll Road was smiling, a big toothy grin staring at Y/n. The Hendrix tribute band up on stage starting to play Red House. The grin that swept over Y/n's face as she closed her eyes moving to the music. Accidentally getting knocked into Toll and the scowl on his face at the perpetrator. Y/n said something, Lee could see her lips moving. Toll was still glaring down the drunken idiot, pushing against Y/n trying to... well what looked like he was getting ready to start a fight.

Lacy and Lee were ready to leave their spots at the bar and stop Toll from himself, only to see Y/n beat them to the punch. Resting her palms on his chest, her mouth uttering words. Toll squinted his eyes staring back at her confused. It was evident his brows were raised but they were hidden underneath the brim of his Flat Cap.

It was like night and day like a switch was flipped. The scowl gone as he shook his head and laughed. Y/n poking his chest with her finger and Toll rolled his eyes. Lee couldn't believe what he was seeing. He was so sure that Toll would have knocked that guy flat on his ass. He'd seen him do it many times over the years, but all it took was a little look from Y/n and he was a completely different man.

Y/n stepped closer to Toll. Lee could see him cough, the uncomfortable look on his face. Y/n reached up and snatched the hat off his head, putting it on her head. Lee nearly spat his beer out watching Toll put his arms around Y/n, seeing them... dancing. Swaying and swinging to the sultry beat, moving this way and that. People around them moving away from his hulking towering stature.

Christ, was Toll full-blown relaxed grinning at her? Was he capable of having a good time? No one was gonna believe it without proof. Pulling out his phone snapping a photo to tease them with later. He couldn't believe his eyes seeing the way Toll was looking at her. Could it be... Nah, there was no way. Toll didn't have it in him to let himself feel anything like that so ... out in the open. Letting his emotions be on display like that.

~

Between jobs, life was quite normal. Trips to the grocery store that didn't seem to bother Toll as much anymore. He kind of liked pushing a cart with Y/n by his side. Laughing and joking, slipping her arm around his leaning into him. She made all the bad seem to disappear. His anxiety didn't seem that unmanageable anymore. Even his analyst had seen major changes in him. His anger had lessened and didn't come out as quickly as it had before. He was opening up more in sessions and talking about things he'd refused to bring up before.

Toll was without a doubt overly enjoying the dinners at home. Homecooked meals while sat at a dining room table he never knew why he bought in the first place. He'd never used it before Y/n moved in unless it was to clean his weapons. They had crazy deep conversations that lasted well into the night. Some nights they'd sit out on the back porch listening to the sounds of the world around them. The animals, the people, the inhuman normalness of life in a neighborhood tucked away from the city. Sitting side by side on a rickety porch swing in silence.

Cold beers clutched in their hands as he pushed the swing slowly with his foot. Every once in a while they would catch a glimpse of the stars trying to break through the pollution of the city lights. On rare nights when sleep never seemed to want to take hold of either of them, they'd stay in that swing and watch the sunrise. Streaks of pink, orange, yellow, and purple illuminating the sky. Lighting the way for the sun as it crested above the horizon.

He'd close his eyes and listen to her humming, mostly classic rock. Feeling the warmth of her body heat as she sleepily leaned into him. Y/n would nuzzle her head on his chest, tucking her arms around him, and doze off finally. He was always caught between wanting to stay on that porch swing with her and knowing he should carry her inside.

There were so many things he never thought he'd experience again with a woman and all of them had been with Y/n, but he still got inside his head not believing anything could ever come from it. They were friends, roommates, nothing ever came out of those situations except in movies.

Y/n was a rarity and he knew he couldn't compare her to other women. There wasn't another like her on the Earth, probably not even in the whole Universe. She was an Ethereal nymph, a celestial creature. Everything she did from the slightest of touches to a simple smile caused an endless cosmic war within his soul.

On Toll's better days when the anxieties and demons were easier to keep at bay, they went to the gym. The regulars scattered when he stepped foot in the door. He helped with her regimen. Sparred with Y/n in the ring, but she could always tell he was holding back. He smiled more often, even while trying to get the upper hand on her. He was Y/n's spotter while she lifted weights and vice versa. He held the weight bag when she wanted to box. Offering up encouragement and whatever he could to push her harder, to get her to keep going when she was tired and wanted to stop.

Toll had become an endless well of patience with her, almost cheerful even on those occasions she managed to get him out of his routine and comfort zone. She could tell with a glance when the doubts and the voices inside his head were getting bad. Treading carefully she'd put her hand over his and squeeze him. A little bit of comfort to say she was there if he needed her.

Some nights when both of them were too lazy, or too tired especially after coming home from a job, they'd spend their time lounging on the couch watching a movie or curled up with a book. Neither of them ever forced a conversation to fill the silence. They were content with it, welcomed it like an old friend. Sitting side by side in the quiet, only the soft thumping of heartbeats faintly heard.

A few times there were late nights spent on the back of his bike with no destination in mind, just the enjoyment of the ride. They'd drive for hours into the countryside or even along the coastline. Toll liked the drives along the coast the best though. Pulling over near a deserted beach. Finding a nice spot to sit and watch the sunset. Chuckling to himself watching Y/n squishing her toes in the sand. It was the small things that like that he'd never experienced with anyone else.

The way Y/n found joy in the tiniest of things. Burying her feet in the sand. Sifting her fingers through it at her sides looking for shells. She was content and happy, only pouting when it was too dark to see anything and that meant it was time to leave. She'd be half asleep by the time they pulled up in the driveway. Tired hands fumbling groggily as she took off her helmet.

She'd wrap her arm around his leaning heavily into him. So tired she struggled to keep her eyes open in the meager walk from the garage to the house. He loved that feeling, the surge of warmth and trust she placed with him letting herself be so vulnerable like that. She'd deny in a raspy sleepy voice that she 'wasn't tired' but her staggered steps spoke volumes. He'd steer her towards her room, watch with a smirk as she slipped off her boots, and crawled into bed without a fuss just a drowsy mumbled, 'night Toll'.

Other nights Toll and Y/n were out with the boys at the bar or Tool's shop. It didn't take long for the rest of the team to see subtle changes in Toll, but it was hard for a few of them to put a finger on why; not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth. Lee never mentioned a word at what he witnessed at the House of Blues, never showed the picture to a soul. Part of him wanted to see how the whole situation would play out. He was a hopeless romantic at heart and despite his constant teasing towards both Y/n and Toll, he couldn't see a better pair than them.

Ceasar had his suspicions since the morning after Y/n had moved in with Toll but kept it to himself. She'd answered the door flustered and blushing. He'd never seen a woman so red and trying to avoid all eye contact in his life. Y/n sputtered and stammered as she spoke and disappeared quickly when Toll wandered into the living room in a pair of boxers with a shit-eating grin on his face.

~

After a particularly bad night of night terrors of his own, Toll woke to find Y/n nowhere in the house. No sounds of her voice from the kitchen, gone where the smells of coffee. She never mentioned the night before if she was going to leave that day like she normally would. Y/n was good like that to him, knowing his little abandonment quirks with his disorder. Always telling him what she'd be doing, going, and for how long or leaving a note.

Some might have thought it seemed a little overboard, possibly controlling, but Toll never once asked her to do such things. She did it on her own, a way to show him that she wasn't going to leave him hanging.

A little more panicked than he wanted to be, he made his way through the halls and sweeping through the rooms, searching, thinking the worst. It wasn't until he saw the boxing gloves he lent her gone from their spot on the kitchen island. In its place was a little note.

'Couldn't sleep, needed to hit stuff.' - Y/n

Even though he was relieved, Toll still felt a pain in his chest. Nagging little feelings of abandonment that he tried to shake out of his head as he left for the gym. Only a handful of people were there that early in the morning, music blaring in the background. Most patrons of the gym had either learned to ignore Toll or just stay out of his way because of his anger issues. He stood tall and menacing scanning the room with what some call the 'Serial Killer' glare. A thin-lipped grimace until he saw Y/n across the building working on the weight bags.

'Here Comes the Boom' began thumping its bass through the speaker system. He didn't hide the grin while seeing a different sort of hop in her stance as she worked the bag. Almost like a little dance in her step matching the beat. The gym's new owner saw him staring at her, getting a little worried because she was in Toll's usual spot.

The new owner was never there whenever Y/n and Toll had come in together, never witnessed them working out as a pair. He picked up the phone and made the call afraid for the worst, the call the previous owner warned him he might have to make someday.

Toll headed her way, his smile growing larger the closer he got. Standing behind the bag holding it for Y/n, offering words of encouragement. He felt anxious energies bubbling up from deep within watching her.

"That's it," Toll grinned the harder she hit the bag. "Show me what ya got."

He didn't know the song that played in the background but it had grown on him because the chorus were the exact words she muttered with a smile each time he detonated explosives on the job. That realization settled heavily in him. Realizing right then that she'd done it for years.

Those demonic voices inside his head that always screamed he wasn't wanted, that he wasn't needed, that he wasn't good enough, that compared to the rest, he was inferior to them quieted. Like they were finally noticing that Y/n had seen him all those years. That she got excited and giddy when he worked his magic with explosives. She saw him, she appreciated what he did. He felt like hot stones were dropped in his stomach and he didn't know what to think without the sounds of those nagging voices.

Caught up in the way her hips moved, the little swagger in her step as the rapper hit the line 'here comes the boom'. The way the words formed on her lips with a smile. The wild almost dreamy look in her eyes as she spoke them aloud.

"Mornin', cutie." Y/n slowed down her punches smirking at him, a little out of breath.

Internally she was kicking herself. It was getting out of hand, the thoughts inside her head. That little crush on the stoic Demolition's Expert was getting ready to cross a line Y/n knew was trouble. Y/n struggled with it because she kept holding out hope that he would see, that he wouldn't let his disorder continue to get the worst of him.

Calling him 'cutie' had been a mistake, but the smile that crept over his lips. Maybe, there was a chance or maybe her mind was nothing more than mush and oxytocin showing her what she wanted to see. Y/n had been at the gym longer than she wanted to admit trying to exhaust an ache that didn't want to go away. It seemed to grow fiercer. Like vines that crept over her and were swallowing her whole.

Toll rolled his eyes, shaking his head, but the crinkles around them give him away. The giant stoic normally angry solid block of muscle of a man in front of Y/n was reduced to a tenderly grinning teddy bear. Letting out a heavy sigh through a smile he reached for her hands. Clasping them between his, staring in those galaxy like eyes.

Slowly and carefully pulling off her gloves tossing them to the mat at her feet. Sweaty and warm, but it didn't stop him from holding them. Letting the tips of his fingers graze over her skin. Then he saw it. The goosebumps popping up on her arm and fanning outward. Felt the electricity zapping through their touch.

"Come on, let's work on your grappling. I'm sick of watching your ass get tossed around." The sound of his laughter sending a flutter inside Y/n. "I'm starting to think you like the rough stuff." He glanced behind over his shoulder catching her eyes widening and a tiny hint of a smile.

"Close your eyes and relax." His tone was even and his voice a little deep verging on husky as he spoke. "You know they won't always come at you head-on."

"I know," Y/n let out a huffed sigh as she closed her eyes. Her body refusing to relax knowing he was going to attack. Muscles stiffening and reflexes on edge.

Coming up behind Y/n without a sound, she was distracted by the smell of Toll's cologne. 'Who wears cologne to the gym' she thought but a little part of her didn't care. The scent of it was overpowering her ability to think straight. The heat from his body vibrating, radiating, pulsing into her.

His massive hands slip under her arms and back over Y/n's shoulders. His fingers locking together behind her head. He was patient and yet stern, his voice deep and husky so close to her ear. Toll's lips brushing softly against them, telling her what to do next, but he discovered quickly she already knew.

Sliding out the hold, sweeping his leg out from underneath him, Toll landed hard on his back. The 'smack' and thud of his weight hitting the mat echo off the gym walls. Flipping backward and onto him, Y/n straddled his waist. Her palms roughly pinning his shoulders to the ground. Noses touching, a panting breath as she smirked.

"What was that about getting my ass tossed around?" The way she gazed at him, the playful dangerous tone in her voice. The wink and the kiss she blew his way knocking the breath right out of him.

Toll couldn't decide whether he was impressed or turned on, honestly both at that point. Knowing he was seconds away from her knowing the truth though made him panic. His second brain attempting to rise to life. This is the most physical quasi intimate contact he'd had with a woman in too long to recall. Pushing Y/n off, they rolled around on the mat, pawing at each other. Each of them trying to get the upper hand. This time it Toll that pinned her down. Her hands were trapped in one of his above her head. His knees on either side of her hips.

Their faces so close together he could feel the tip of her nose brush against his. Droplets of sweat slipped from his face and dripped into her hair. Staring down at her, his eyes darting between hers. Darkened pupils were blown wide. The heat of her rapid breath hitting his damp skin. Y/n's tongue slid over her bottom lip. Toll felt like he was under some spell, unable to look away.

Amid the grappling match around the floor Y/n's hair had come undone from its elastic tie. Strands of damp sweaty hair clinging to her face partially covering her eyes. The fingertips of his free hand slowly brushing them out of the way. Lingering longer after each strand he removed. For the first time, he noticed the tiny freckles that dotted her face. Tiny little flecks that speckled themselves over the apples of her cheeks like little constellations.

Toll was panting hard now. The muscle beneath his tank top flexing and rippling. Catching himself caught between knowing he needed to get up and off her before she could feel the bulge stiffening in his shorts and not wanting to at all. Her tank top pulled down in their tussle, cleavage poking out. Mountains heaving against his chest. He knew he shouldn't stare, but it was too difficult to look away.

He swore she was lifting her head off the mat. That her lips were inching closer to his. There was a darkness in those eyes of hers. Like her irises shifted from their normal color and flooded black. A shift in her body beneath him like Y/n was thrusting her hips wanting something, anything.

"Didn't realize they allowed this sort of thing in the gym," Ceasar coughed, arms crossed with a raised brow. Pursing his lips trying to hide a smirk. He headed over the second he answered the call from the gym owner. It wasn't the first time he received a call about Toll and it probably wouldn't be the last.

Y/n and Toll broke apart blushing and shy. The speed in which Toll jumped off her and on his feet sent Caesar into a chuckle. Toll leaned over grabbing onto Y/n's arm and pulled her up as gently as he could. His hold on her forearm lingered even after she was on her feet. His eyes drifting downward again catching a glimpse of hardened nipples poking out through her bra and tank top.

"I was just showing her some moves." Toll growled. What would have happened if Caesar hadn't shown up? Would Y/n have kissed him? Would he have let himself kiss her back?

"Right, sure ya were." Caesar clapped him on the back. "I'm starving, let's get some waffles, after that, we gotta head to the shop. Barney's back with intel."


	5. Chapter 5

Camped out in a warehouse miles from their target, Y/n and the rest of the guys were relaxing for the first time in days, taking the time to eat a hot meal. Ceasar with his pot boiling water cooking pasta. The rest eating MRE rations. Besides Ceasar, Y/n was the only one smiling while eating. The rest grumbling how awful the food was. Ceasar chastising them about preparing better.

"Aww, this tastes like shit," Toll complained making a face, he was less than thrilled in the 'food' he'd backed for the job. Gunner beside him munching on a stale oatmeal cookie.

"Here," handing off her MRE to Toll taking out her fork. Y/n had just finished heating it, only taken one bite out of it. "I'll trade you."

Toll stared inside the package, closing his eyes inhaling deeply. A look of elation and surprise-filled his eyes. Life was so unfair sometimes and this was one of those times.

"How's it that yours smells so damned good?" Raising an eye suspiciously. Y/n tried hiding a smile because she found the way he looked at that moment too cute for such a man with deadly skills.

"It's just an MRE Toll, but it's the cook that makes it better." Laughing taking his out of his hand. Taking a whiff scrunching her face in disgust, but she ate it anyway. Toll took a reluctant bite and smiled impressed. "But I'm NOT sharing my dessert."

"Beef Ravioli that tastes homemade. Christ did you make this at home?!" Taking another bite nodding her way in thanks.

"God this IS awful!" Y/n coughed shaking her head, making an overly dramatic disgusted face. Pointing at him with an accusing finger. "How in the hell can you spend weeks eating this shit and stay jacked like that?" Toll tilted his head eyeing her, the hint of a rare smile crossing his mouth.

"I'd ask you the same question smartass," he tried to glare at her but laughed instead.

"I'm still young," shrugging her shoulders. "My metabolism is as 'jacked' as your body." Laughing sticking out that slick pink tongue his way.

Silence took hold while the others found themselves enjoying the exchange between Y/n and Toll. He hadn't appeared as moody or quick to jump to anger. Hadn't even given the memorized lecture about his ear or concluded they were all staring at him. Something about living with Y/n seemed to mellow him a bit.

"I've been telling you for years to come on over to my storage locker and I'll let you get your hands the good stuff." Christmas, Barney, and Gunner smirked, Ceasar, stifling his laughter, Yang sat back rolling his eyes shaking his head. "MREs!" Y/n choked on her bite of food. "I meant the MRE's you perverts!!"

Toll's tongue rolled around inside his mouth, trying to hide his laughter. Biting the inside of his cheek as he watched the flustered expression on her face. It wasn't often that she had opened her mouth and given the guys something to make fun of. Avoiding his gaze, Y/n went back to munching on the terrible trade of a dinner.

"I think I finally will grab some," Toll chuckled noticing the rapid thumping of her heart rate. That vein in her neck giving her away. "MREs that is." His broad smile was offset by an even rarer wink.

"Hey, what about me?" Gunner grinned, though he meant well he still looked as if was going to strike with that awful glare.

"Sorry, no whale ass and seal blubber in my cache of supplies." She snipped back flinging a bit of the Chicken Cacciatore she'd taken from Toll at Gunner.

"Alright," Barney barked back a laugh. "Lights out."

~~~~~~

The next morning Ceasar was gloating making his lone cup of coffee. Making sure to catch Toll's attention as he made it. Commenting on the aroma of the roast and the bittersweet taste. Toll had unfortunately taken the bait asking if Caesar had anymore, but he shook his head 'no' with a smug grin. Groggily getting ready throwing on his gear Toll didn't notice Y/n right away standing beside him holding out a cup of steaming hot coffee.

"Extra strong black coffee, three sugars while on the job, right?" There was that darkness in her eyes again as the smile curled on one edge of her mouth.

"Uh... yeah," Toll was a little taken aback she remembered the way he took his coffee.

That it was different than at home. Standing there a little stunned, he didn't move, just watching her tiny smile widen. How could she remember something so small? A detail that not even Caesar had picked up on over the years. How was this woman even real?

"Well go on then," she laughed, a hint of color briefly flashed over her cheeks. "I've got my gear to take care of, drink up." Stepping away to get ready, Y/n stopped and turned around. "I almost forgot." Pulling out a Ziploc bag with a couple of rather large cookies. "I can share after all," she chuckled, "but somehow only for you." With a bashful wink, she turned.

He watched her walk away, noticing a subtle sway in her hips, just like at the gym. Strapping on her vest, lacing up her boots, checking her weapons. Opening up the clear plastic bag the sweet smell of chocolate, vanilla and a hint of cinnamon entered his nose. They were flaky and buttery and melted in his mouth. 'Not store-bought' he thought. No, these were homemade and he wondered where the hell he was when she made them because there surely wouldn't have been any left to take on this damned job.

"Where the hell'd you get those?" Lee grumbled, reaching to snatch one out of the bag. Toll flashing a death glare closed the bag and put the rest of them in his cargo pocket.

"Fuck off, that's where." Toll answered gruffly sipping his coffee.

The courage to speak up and say something, to tell her, was clinging there right on the tip of his coffee coated tongue, but that doubt. That nagging feeling of inferiority came roaring its ugly head. Thoughts of rejection flooded his thoughts. He just wanted those voices to stop, to leave him be and let him live the way he wanted.

~~~~~

Three weeks of traipsing through the jungle and rocky terrain, but they'd finally snuck inside the compound. Infiltrating a warlords mansion, just another day in paradise for their ragtag bunch. What was left of his soldiers were scrambling trying to fight back as they escaped. Toll's rigged explosions detonating throughout. Smirking to himself hearing Y/n yelling in an all too cheerful tone 'here comes the boom' each time one went off. Barney barking at her to knock it off.

"I'd rather listen to Yang gripe about needing more money for a made-up family than hear that damn shit again!" Barney grumbled as Y/n darted ahead of them taking point cackling a mischievous laugh.

Barney and Lee heard the commotion from around the corner just outside of the main building. The grunts of a fight. Turning the corner they expect to see Yang, instead, they saw Y/n. Fists balled up in front of her face taking on a solid rock of a man three sizes bigger than she was.

He momentarily got ahold of her. Y/n's head held tight in a headlock. They saw the red flush fill her face, but before Barney or Lee could act they watched her swinging her body around. An elbow to the kidney and his grip loosened. Her body slipping up and around on his back, her forearm held snug around his neck as she flipped off his back using the power of momentum to her advantage taking him down to the ground. Locking her thighs around his head choking the air out of him before the sick sound of a snap was heard.

Toll and Caesar jogged up beside Lee and Barney ready to get on with the mission and head out but stopped to watch the show. Flipping up off the ground and on her feet, Y/n sprinted off towards an incoming soldier. His rifle was raised ready to fire. Y/n ran and jumped slamming her boots in the middle of his chest sending him flying backward, his guns dropping from his hands.

Getting his balance back he snarled, beating his chest egging Y/n on. She'd always wanted to try it, the move she'd seen Toll do so often. What better time than now? Racing towards him at a breakneck speed she jumped high into the air. Fist balled, arm pulled back. Slamming her fist with all the force she had right into his face. Feeling the crunching of his nose as it broke from the punch. Kneeling on one knee, panting catching her breath as his body slumped lifeless into the dusty ground.

That sensation that she wasn't alone, the hairs standing up on the back of her neck. Fingers griped over the handle of her knife. The tip of it soon pointed precariously close to Toll's manhood as he stood beside her grinning holding out a hand to help her up. Glimpsing the bloody knuckles, a few that looked broken along with a finger that was angled crookedly.

"That's my girl," patting her shoulder giving her a wink, ignoring the curious eye raise from Barney.

Toll heard the words as they slipped out of his mouth. That he had called her 'my girl'. His brain had been over-ridden and spoke the words he tried to keep hidden. Trying his best to ignore the slip, ignore the razzing that would ensue later. Toll, still smirking watching as Y/n sprinted off after the next insurgent. Following close behind he had her back taking out a few nearby with his rifle.

"Did he just...?" Gunner turned toward Barney with furrowed brows as Barney rolled his eyes.

"I stopped questioning anything when it involves those two lately," Barney grumbled.

Just on the cusp of exiting the compound, Toll heard the whistling of the shot. Y/n just steps ahead of him and in the line of fire. Roughly shoving her, he pushed her out of the way. The bullet whizzing past just barely missing her shoulder. In the melee of the action, she stumbled falling. Toll grabbed hold of her mid-fall, turning them both and taking the brunt of the hard landing on his back just behind a crumbled wall. Y/n landing atop Toll, gear and all, he let out a harsh grunt. Bullets flying overhead.

"Is that a magazine clip in your pocket or are you just happy I'm on top?" She quipped with a smirk. Toll didn't know what to think, let alone say.

Fierce gunfire ringing out from every direction. Barney yelling in the comms to hightail it back to the rendezvous point. The remaining soldiers gathering up the strength to make a final stand after the death of their boss. The hail of rapid gunfire Caesar returned thundering close by. Peering up at her, mouth open, not a sound coming out. Toll was gobsmacked at her little jab.

Her palms smashed into the dirt on either side of his head. Face smudged in dirt and speckles of blood and yet she was grinning down at him. Hearing Barney bellowing out for them to 'move it'. Y/n leaned down planting a kiss on Toll's mouth. It was quick and unexpected and over before he could register just what in the hell just happened.

"Thanks for the save handsome," she winked jumping up giving cover fire to Caesar running past them. "Come on Toll we gotta go!" She yelled as he was still laying on the ground in shock.

Lost in the overgrown brush and an endless eternity of trees, no longer hearing the footsteps of their friends. Toll and Y/n found themselves cut off from the rest on the run through the jungle. Backed against a sheer cliff, angry soldiers closing in. Take a glance behind them not liking their only option. The height of the cliff, the unknown in the waters below. Hearing the rush of the swift current.

"Hope you can swim, we ain't got another option." Toll crossed his arms and jumped without another word.

Y/n followed behind. Splashing into the chilly water. Gear weighing them down. Gasping for breath and struggling to stay above the water. The water pulling them to and fro. Toll frantically searching, calling out her name as the currents took hold. Smacking into rocks and shoved into tree branches jutting out of the waters he kept losing sight of her. Y/n let go of her rifle, letting it sink to the bottom as she attempted to tread, do anything she could to stay afloat. The river's current sweeping them off course.

"Y/n!" Toll screamed seeing her pulled under. Despite all of his training, there wasn't much he could do. He couldn't fight the strength of the water propelling him downstream. Her head finally bobbing above water.

"Toll!" Y/n coughed, gagging on the water as she flayed her arms fighting to stay above.

It was the first time Toll had seen her panic. Not even the night he woke to find her amid nightmare was the panic like this. Witnessing the fear that clung to her face. Close enough to see the terror in her eyes, but too far away to reach her. It was like the Universe was flashing a big sign right in front of Toll's face that even in the face of death, neither of them were meant to be together. If he couldn't save her in the middle of all of this, then why on earth should he get to have her in his life during the calm at home?

~~~~~~

The images of her lifeless body crashing against that sandy bank too fresh in his mind. The color drained from her face. The knot on her forehead from the boulder that jutted out from the water that had struck and knocked her out. Flustered and alarmed he worked at fast as he could. Lifting her chin checking her airway. He could hardly feel her breath and her pulse was weak at best. So faint he struggled to feel it.

Taking a deep breath and pinching the bridge of her nose he breathed into her mouth. He repeated it over and over, checking her pulse between breaths. Wracked with guilt believing the worst. Y/n's head jerked upward. Coughing and spitting water. Toll nervously turned her on her side as she vomited all that water out of her system. Coughing and hacking, her fingers found his that rested on her chest. A weak squeeze as she clamored to hold onto him.

"I-I'm... good," her voice cracked between coughing fits.

She sat up with help from Toll. Chest heaving straining to catch her breath. He let his fingers fall over the bump on her forehead. Everything just hit him so hard, slammed right into his chest. She was clinging onto his vest, head slumped forward. He let himself go, his heart overtook his brain. Cradling her cheeks, crashing his lips to hers.

Feeling her grip tighten pulling herself closer. Mouths roving, lips dancing over each other. His name caught her throat. He knew it was wrong, but he had to. The thought of losing her was the worst thing he could think of. Images of her in that water, of having to see her drowned in front of him. Pulling away all Toll could see in her was weariness and doubt.

Toll knew they weren't out of the woods yet, who knew how far behind him the rest of those soldiers were. Hoisting her up and onto his back. Determined to carry her out any way he could. She was weak and fatigued. The exhaustion heavy in her eyes. He swallowed down his own ignoring the screaming in his lungs and started jogging in the direction of the rendezvous point.

Caesar and Gunner just outside the plane searching the treeline rifles raised. Relieved to finally the see both of them bursting through the brush. Soaking wet and exhausted Y/n and Toll pushed their way through the underbrush and out from the jungle forest. Toll was doing his best to keep her upright. His arm around her back, hers strung over his shoulder and they ran.

Stumbling and overtired as they climbed aboard the plane earning smirks and laughter from the others during takeoff. Toll slumped down onto a bench leaning on his knees trying to catch his breath. Every muscle in his body screaming for more than one reason.

"Can't say I've ever had a guy get me this wet before." Y/n joked shaking the water from her ears.

Y/n hated the rest of them seeing her weak, seeing her need their help. She hated feeling like she wasn't able to pull her weight or keep up with the men. The thought that she'd never hear the end of getting knocked out cold while being swept away in that river made her stomach turn. So she opted to crack jokes and avoid the situation altogether, that was her defense mechanism, much like Toll's was to go straight to anger.

Pulling off her flack vest and emptying her pockets. Toll was silently contemplating the last few hours. Catching her eye out of the corner of his, he allowed himself to weakly smile. To feel some semblance of relief. Y/n was stronger than she'd ever know, but just like him, she had her moments of doubt. Nodding his head, they both agreed in silence not to speak of what happened in that river, but apart of him wanted to speak about the incident on that sandy bank.

He needed to know, had to know if it was something more or all in his head. Was it just because he was caught up in the moment or were his demons really about to let him be with her? She kissed him back, but was it out of fear? Out of relief for being alive? Or did she kiss back because she wanted him to? Why did he keep letting himself get inside his head? Why couldn't he just pull her aside and come out with the truth? Just flat out tell her that he was an idiot and that he loved her.

"You're late cuz you two did what exactly?" Lee questioned smugly from the cockpit, wagging his brows at Toll. Part of him wanted to mention seeing them at the House of Blues and how Toll was looking at her now the same way he did then.

"Wet t-shirt contest." Y/n smirked dropping what was left of her weapons on the floor. "I think I won, don't ya agree?" She held her arms out to her sides spinning around with a mischievous laugh. Ignoring the rest of the myriad of comments from the guys.

Y/n bent over wringing out her hair letting the water pool into the grates. Toll caught himself staring, unable to look away. Even looking like a drowned rat she was stunning. Twirling her hair into a knot atop her head. Soaking wet in her black Henley. Her cargo pants clinging tightly to her legs.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, loosening up his boots. Water sloshed to the floor. There was no shame as she started slipping out of the wet clothes and wrapping herself in a blanket from a supply crate. Not paying attention to Toll or the side glances from the others as she got dressed in a spare set of clothes. Y/n was used to it from her years in the service. Men were men no matter where in the world, they couldn't help themselves from looking.

Making herself comfortable on a bench in the far back of the plane knowing the rest were going to be idiots and chatter like hens. Crossing her ankles over one another laying on her back. Her energy was depleted and running on fumes. She took one last peek at Toll. He sat across from Caesar ignoring whatever he was talking about. Toll pulled off his shirt wringing out the water. Muscles rippling and flexing covered in bruises. Y/n contemplating why in the hell she just couldn't tell him. Why couldn't she just open her mouth and say 'I think... no I know, I love you'.

'Oh that's right,' she growled inside her head. 'Because he'll never believe you. He's just going to think it's because he saved your sorry ass today.'

Groaning frustratedly, tossing on the bench no longer comfortable. She didn't think the groan was loud enough for anyone to hear. No sooner than she moved to cover her face with her arm in an attempt to sleep, Toll glanced her way. She couldn't read his face, he just looked... lost. Sleep didn't take long before it grabbed her tight and sent her into a deep slumber. The vibrations of the plane kept her rocked to sleep and out cold to the world around her.

"Just what exactly happened back there?" Ceasar smirked watching Toll's attention falter from Y/n. His gaze dropping and focusing on a point on the floor in front of him.

"Don't know what you mean." Scowling, taking off the rest of his wet gear in exchange for something dry. Toll was eyeballing the rest of the men, too occupied now to pay attention to Caesar and Toll wanted it to stay that way.

"I saw it, just so you know," Ceasar spoke calmly, not a hint of teasing in his tone nor a smirk on his face. Toll saw nothing but a brotherly kindness.

"Saw... what exactly?" Toll coughed, he wasn't so sure Caesar knowing anything would stay quiet. Sometimes he had a bit of a mouth on him after a few drinks.

"Saving her ass from getting shot, and how she thanked you." Caesar grinned at Toll's death glare and put his hands up. "Hey, my lips are sealed, but I say go for it."

"I don't... I mean... it's just..." Toll rubbed his face in his hands letting out a groan. It was getting too hard to ignore it anymore.

"You've changed man, whether you see it or not." Caesar went back to sharpening his razor blade again. "That woman's kinda what you've always described as the perfect ..."

"Just ... shut up." Toll grumbled laying back his seat taking one last glance at Y/n before falling into a well-deserved sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The first night home after that four-week long job, Y/n apologized for wanting to skip the tradition of drinks at the bar with the guys and opted to go home. Toll didn't seem like he was complaining either hoisting his bag in her truck before getting on his bike. The rest of the guys teased and cracked jokes. Christmas claimed she was being a pussy, but Y/n wanted nothing more than a hot shower and nurse her wounds. To sleep in a comfortable bed without critters and creepy crawlies skittering over her at night.

"I may be a pussy that's true," she chuckled nervously tossing her pack in the back of her truck. Slightly afraid of what would happen once she and Toll were behind closed doors. "But I'm more pussy than any of you bastards have gotten in ages so ya'll can fuck off." She'd never heard Toll laugh so hard as he pulled out of the hangar ahead of her.

Both of them sat on the couch reading after depleting the contents of the hot water heater. Empty cereal bowls sat on the end tables on either side of them. Jet lagged and not quite tired enough to go to sleep. Toll's legs stretched out in front of him resting on the coffee table. The sight of him in sweats. Long muscular legs sheathed in soft cottony fabric. How he managed to make a pair of grey sweats look like sex on a stick was beyond her.

Y/n's back leaned against the armrest on the other end of the couch, knees up near her chest. Comfy flannel pants she'd stolen from his laundry, not that he cared. He laughed at how tight Y/n had to tie the drawstring just to keep them up. It was an unbearable struggle to read her book. Glancing over the top of it, taking a peek at him on the other end of the couch. He shaved while he was in the shower. Gone was the week's long growth of stubble.

Smooth tanned skin. Dimples lined the edges of his mouth. His jaw flexing, his tongue wetting his lips as he read. A pair of thin silver-rimmed glasses resting on tip of his nose. Massive biceps moving his book into a more comfortable spot resting the book on his stomach. Strong long fingers flipping the pages of his book. Christ, he looked beyond attractive and he didn't even realize it.

That damned kiss on the river bank flooding her mind. The force of it, of him and that need of it. Too many times since arriving home she opened her mouth to ask about it only to clamp her mouth shut. Thinking of all the things he'd say, the excuses he'd give for why it happened and none of which she wanted to hear. Y/n couldn't bear to hear the reasons why he couldn't.

Toll was, in her eyes, imperfectly perfect. Sure he looked gruff and full of attitude, mostly that was true, but behind those eyes were kindness. He was sweet and thoughtful. Toll could talk about history and philosophy for hours. Debate artwork and mythology into the night. He was incredibly polite and helpful especially when she was cooking dinner. He'd offer to help, chop up vegetables, do whatever she needed.

He appreciated her food and complimented her on it often. The way his eyes would close, the tiny smile fighting on the corners of his mouth as he took a bite. Saturday when they were at home without a job to go to had morphed into steak night. Grilling out in the backyard. T-bone, New York strip, Ribeye, and on occasion a giant Tomahawk steak, whatever looked good at the market.

Toll would put on music as she grilled. Cold beers in hand as the smells permeated the backyard. Beef, potatoes, corn, onions, whatever had looked good was thrown on the grill. They'd sit out at that ancient picnic table of his and talk into the night. Nothing but the sounds of their voices, old rock songs, and the chirp of crickets.

Some nights when sleep avoided the both of them like the plague, they'd sit out on the porch swing. Too late to put on music so they'd listen to the sounds of the world around them. The animals, the people in the far distance. Sitting side by side on a rickety porch swing in silence.

Cold beers clutched in their hands as Toll pushed the swing slowly with his foot. Every once in awhile she'd catch a glimpse of the stars trying to break through the city lights. On those rare nights when sleep never seemed to want to take hold of either of them, they would stay in that swing and watch the sunrise. Streaks of pink, orange, yellow, and purple illuminating the sky. Lighting the way for the sun as it crested above the horizon.

Y/n was impossibly and hopelessly in love with a man who would doubt and question it no matter what she did. All she wanted to do was curl up in his lap and wrap her arms around him. Y/n wanted to show him how much he meant to her. Desperately wanted to fight the demons inside him and prove them wrong. Show them that he was worth it. Toll was worth all the hurt in the world if it meant he could finally believe that he was deserving of love, affection. That he was better than anyone out there because he was kinder and gentler then anyone would ever know.

"Oww!" Y/n hissed in pain, her book clattering to the floor.

Caught between wanting to curl into herself and punching her leg as the charlie horse throbbed in her calf. It felt like a molten hot baseball was shoved inside her leg. Y/n's fist pounding into the back of the couch. Toll sat up and threw his book on the coffee table, his glasses bouncing to a stop at the spine of his book.

"Y/n?" Furrowed brows scrunched in concern. Toll was thinking the worst. Maybe internal damage from getting tossed around in the river. She'd been a stubborn ass that refused to get checked out in the hospital before they went home no matter how much he argued.

"Charlie horse." She groaned through clenched teeth. Shaking his head, most of his worry fading.

Toll gingerly reached out, slowly stretching her leg out knowing it would cause more discomfort. He angled himself so he was facing her, his knee bent atop the cushion while the other rested on the floor. Toll knew full well how sinister it felt to have a charlie horse. Sliding up the flannel pant leg, hardened fingertips scraping over her smooth skin.

Peering up at Y/n, seeing her wincing in distress as he delicately massaged the knot. He could feel it. Almost the size of his balled-up fist, angry and not wanting to go away. Toll found himself focusing on the tattoos on her calf. The wrap-around artwork stretched from her ankle and up. Brilliant colors were offset by the strangest images.

He remembered one night at the bar while everyone was comparing ink how Y/n said it was like a timeline of her years in the service. The things she saw and experienced, people she lost, and the things she found some meaning in. Not particularly one for obscene amounts of ink himself, but he could appreciate the work of it. The living history and how proudly she wore them as reminders.

It hurt so good, even after he worked it out. Pain and pleasure. Pleasure and pain. Eventually, they felt the same. He caught her sinking into the couch closing her eyes. One of the sharpest shooters he'd ever met, melting into his couch because of what... him? Surely Y/n couldn't be that easily influenced? His hands slipped down to her foot, intrigued by the way she moved.

"Oh fuuuuuck." The moan was breathy and orgasmic as it left her lips.

His head snapped up, eyeing Y/n curiously thinking it was a fluke until she did it again. Blood rushing and pumping, a flutter stop of his heart as she whispered his name. His thumbs applying rough pressure to her arches. Her body was putty in his hands.

"Fuuuck yeah," that breathy moan creeping its way inside him stirring something awake deep inside. "Christ your hands are amazing."

Toll locked onto her chest. The thin fabric of the t-shirt and what was beneath. Getting enthralled in the rise and fall of her chest. How Y/n's head lulled from side to side enjoying what he was doing. Gulping a mouthful of air he watched her sucking in her bottom lip. The way her teeth nearly pierced the flesh of it.

How in the hell was Y/n able to affect him so? His thoughts were turning dark and primal. Is that what her voice would sound like if he was pleasuring her elsewhere with his hands? Would his name sound that breathy, that needy as it fled from her tongue?

He was truly in trouble, he could feel it. Y/n wasn't just a roommate anymore. Not just a co-worker he was letting crash at his house. No longer just a friend. He found himself wanting more. He wanted to fall asleep with her tucked safely in his arms. Wanted groggy morning kisses. He wanted to defile every inch of this house making her scream his name.

Toll wanted to hold her hand in the bar not giving a shit who saw. He wanted movie nights with her head in his lap while running his fingers through her hair listening to Y/n make that sound again. That breathy heavenly blissed-out sound. He wanted nights where she fell asleep on the drive home just so he got the pleasure of carrying her inside the house.

He wanted quick kisses full of meaning and passion and those lingering 'I can't keep my hands off you' kisses, he wanted it all. He wanted stupid arguments over something dumb that left them annoyed and not wanting to laugh over the ludicrousness of it and how it could lead to mind-blowing break the bed makeup sex. He wanted to look across the bar and see the disappointment in the faces of men checking her out as she sat in his lap kissing HIS ugly mug.

Yup, Toll found himself deep and unquestionably in trouble. He was falling in love, no, he had fallen in love. Toll couldn't lie to himself anymore, he fell in love with her a long time ago. He couldn't help but smile seeing her stretching out. Hearing that purring moan as her eyes fluttered open. A dreamy relaxed expression flooding her features.

"Your turn," Y/n grinned sitting up pulling her legs from his grasp. Sitting cross-legged she patted his thigh. "Come on Tall, Dark, and Brooding, gimme your feet."

"N-no," shaking his head playing off the nerves from the thoughts that flooded his mind. The anxiety stirring, beginning to wreak havoc. A strong part of him wanted to get up from the couch and flea, to excuse himself and lock himself in his room for the night. "You don't wanna go there."

"Do we need to settle this with a fight in the backyard?" Her laughter was driving him crazy. If that was the last thing he ever heard, he could die a happy man. Quirking an eye, Y/n tried to hide the smirk as he gave in.

Reluctantly turning himself, his back leaning against the arm of the couch. Stretching out his long legs, letting his feet rest in her lap. All he saw was years in boots tromping through swamps and jungle. Trekking through deserts and snow. More time than he wanted to remember stuck in full gear in training exercises in water.

Mangled toes that were broken too many times to remember correctly. Rough callouses, blisters, and cracked heels. Trying in vain to slow his breathing and stop the panic attack he knew he was on the cusp of. Y/n was quick and nimble pulling off his socks. All he saw was yet another thing that would send her running.

"Oh Toll," There was a sadness and empathy in her voice. Quiet and caring as Y/n's fingers grazed over his foot. "Stay put, I'll be right back."

He watched her limp out of the living room and down the hall toward her room. The voice inside his head snarling to life.

'See, she left you! Ran away practically screaming, you loser!''

"Shut. Up!" Toll hissed at himself.

Avoidant Personality Disorder that had its voice inside his head. That nagging part of him that told him he wasn't good enough. That's why he lived alone, hardly had any friends. He was socially inept at times. Didn't like people at all for the most part and it was because he fell in love with the wrong woman in his youth. It was a traumatic love full of emotional and physical abuse on her part. She turned an optimistic loving man into a neurotic mess.

Since then Toll was always uncomfortable and constant fear of what could go wrong. The worst outcomes were the only ones that ever stuck out in his mind. The inability to relax anywhere outside of his own home. Feeling like people were staring at him while he was out running errands, even a quick trip to the grocery store was enough to send him into a panic.

That constant feeling of not being welcome anywhere, of never being wanted. Part of him felt so guilty that since Y/n moved in with him, most of her time was spent inside the confines of this house. Y/n never complained and for that, he felt terrible. Thinking maybe she was just being polite. That she was walking on eggshells just because of him and his little 'peculiar ticks'.

He tried to get over those feelings, forcing himself out of his normal routines. He was fine with the gym, those people were too afraid of him, but Y/n liked to walk. Liked to wander around the city and get lost in the crowds. She liked the Voodoo shops and the dingy restaurants that had been there since the creation of the city. She loved the dimly lit shops that sold the strange and unusual and just smelled like New Orleans.

She liked the ancient Blues bars and live bands. Those were the times he struggled with the most, thinking people were staring. Asking themselves why someone like her was with someone like him. He could never fully relax in those places even with her by his side. Toll always felt like a freak and the urge to bolt and hide in the shadows was hard to resist, but he stayed for her. He pushed himself to near full-blown panic attacks just to see her smile sitting in a smokey little club listening to old school blues.

There was only a handful of times she left the house running errands on her own, but each time she left, feelings of abandonment would take over. Like Y/n was leaving for good and never coming back because she was sick of him and his ways. The feeling of not being good enough, not worthy enough of the attention Y/n gave him. God, he hated himself and hated what that woman from his past had done to him.

His self-esteem had always been low for as long as he could remember. Never thought much of all the things he accomplished in his life. All he could ever focus on was negative, that's why he was so quick to think people were staring at his ear.

He hated this disorder. Hated how it kept him from his wants, his desires. He wanted a relationship and that intimacy that came with it, but that damned fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. He couldn't handle that look of sheer and utter rejection in her eyes if he told Y/n the truth.

"Found it!" Her tone was jubilant as she raced back to the couch.

Staring at her apprehensively as she slipped his feet back in her lap. Noticing the metal jar in her hand. All he could smell was cocoa and coconut as she popped off the lid. Smells of summertime and sandy beaches. Warm waters crashing against the shore. The heat of the sun beating down on tanned skin and sand beneath his feet.

"This stuff works wonders as you can see." Y/n grinned wiggling her foot near his face. He chuckled batting it away. "I found this Lil shop down in the Quarter that makes it. Coconut oil, shea butter, and Vitamin E. I always got the worst swamp foot from my boots until I discover this shit."

Toll didn't respond. Part of him felt like she was criticizing him. That same part wanted to snap back and yell. Telling him to get up and argue with her. Point out Y/n's flaws to show her how it felt, but he swallowed it down. A deep inhale of breath and a heavy exhale as he blinked staring her way.

"You have surprisingly cute toes." She chuckled rubbing that concoction on his foot. To him, that comment was straight out of left field. Not expecting it at all.

"What?!" Scrunching his face at the strange remark. Lines crinkled outward from his eyes across his cheeks.

"They're cute. Long and lean. How the hell do they keep that body upright?" That delicate voice so full of kindness. So much tenderness in her touch and her smile.

He didn't know what to think. It was absurd what she was saying. He sat in disbelief at her words unable to even fathom why she said it. All he could see were the faults and here Y/n was with the most ridiculous attempt at a positive.

"Oh Christ no!" Catching his look, the raised eye, and a stunned expression. "I'm not one of those weirdos with a foot fetish." Laughing so hard she let out a little snort that made him snicker. "It's just I've seen what happens in our line of work. Dudes get gnarly feet, but besides the cracks on your heels you have surprisingly handsome feet... and," she paused lowering her head. "You're not going to let it go that I said you have cute toes are you?" Letting out a sigh already thinking of the shit the rest of the guys would say upon hearing about it.

"Not in a million years." He flashed a rare toothy smile that made his dimples pop even more. Damn it to hell he was gorgeous. Every bit of how he was grinning set her heart afire. This was getting more complicated to deal with as each day passed.

The pressure of her fingers rubbing that 'lotion' on his foot had him sinking into the couch as Y/n had. Toll was groaning at how fantastic it felt. Y/n kneaded and worked her magic with those nimble fingers. The same hands he'd seen slit throats and choke out targets. How could those hands be so soft?

Thumbs digging in, working hard. Sensations he couldn't put his finger on rushing through him. A feeling of euphoria the longer she worked, but Y/n didn't stop at just a foot rub. The sounds of popping and cracking as she rolled and stretched out his ankles. The crunchy built-up toxins being pushed out of where they tried to reside. Working her way up to his calves, relieving the pain in a muscle he hadn't been able to shake off in weeks.

Toll hadn't felt this relaxed in... ever. There was something about all of this though that set his thoughts into overdrive. This simple but somehow quasi intimate act brought forth another realization that he had been denying. He was touch starved. Unable to remember the last time a woman had touched him besides Y/n. Not since the harpy from his past that ruined his life in more ways than one.

Y/n had been a touchy feeling sort of person since first joining their ragtag bunch. She liked hugs and being near people, even Gunner. When Y/n spoke, she did so with no qualms touching an arm, hand, or shoulder. She liked to show people that she was listening to them, that she cared even if it was Lee's griping about Lacy.

A little innocent touch showed them all how deeply Y/n trusted them all. There were often times she'd link her arm around one of the others while she laughed. Or sometimes slinging an arm behind their back while resting her head on their shoulder. It was like she brought a little bit of humanity into their rough and tumble lives. A link that grounded them when times were tough.

The others didn't mind it, they found it somewhat endearing like a little mother hen keeping an eye on her boys. Making sure they behaved and kept sight of what was real. Barney had told her right off the bat about Toll and his ticks. She'd always watch Toll's facial expressions to judge whether it was okay to even touch his shoulder. It wasn't until the last couple of months that he had started to allow more contact, he welcomed it strangely enough.

He didn't want to admit to himself how much he needed those soft little touches. The hugs and the pats on the shoulder. The absentminded strokes across his back or the impromptu back scratches. It wasn't something he thought he needed, thought that he wanted again until her. He almost started to crave them, like they were his addiction, his drug.

Toll liked the way it felt when her hand grazed over his and now how they were rubbing his calves. It was an addiction he'd gladly give himself into, but he didn't want just any touch. He wanted hers and that was the trouble that continuously brewed inside him. The trouble seemed to multiple each time she touched him. He had willpower, no questions about that, but she broke down that wall and it scared him, hence the reason he kissed her on that riverbank. It could have easily turned into something... more had it not been for the possibility of the soldier tracking them down.

Toll was out cold snoring before Y/n knew it. His legs were dead weight in her lap. Leaning back into the armrest, she watched him peacefully sleeping. All the worry, and anger. The doubt and anxiety that he clung to had fled leaving nothing but that ruggedly handsome face. Not having the heart to wake him. It was the first time in weeks where he could sleep comfortably.

Pulling the blanket off the back of the couch, doing her best to cover his large frame with a tiny blanket. Smiling down at him, somehow he appeared younger, less stressed. A slight sunburn along his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, but quite a striking specimen of a man indeed. Leaning over with a pained ache, Y/n left a kiss on his forehead.

"I wish you could love yourself the way I do," she whispered before heading off to bed.

~~~~~~

Toll woke up confused finding himself on the couch. The early morning rays of the sun poking through the curtains assaulting his eyes. Wiping the sleep away, he rubbed his face letting out a low laugh remembering the night before. He laid there more comfortably than he'd been in weeks despite his back sweaty and stuck to the leather. He laid there debating whether to get up or just roll over and go back to sleep.

Groaning wanting more sleep until he heard Y/n humming from the kitchen. Words to another classic rock song gracing his ears. Listening to Bad Company wasn't a terrible way to wake up. Something about the light and airy way those words out of her mouth made him smile.

'How strange it is', he thought. Given his disorder, he should be freaking out. The quirks and the antisocial behavioral ticks didn't seem to want to wake up this morning.

Walking quietly into the kitchen he found himself staring at quite the picture. Y/n barefooted and in one of his old t-shirts and nothing else. His eyes scanning up her long legs etched in tattoos and scars of the job. He could tell which t-shirt it was by the wear in the fabric. Toll knew the Navy SEAL emblem was emblazoned across the front in faded letters. It and others like it hung in the closet of her room. Memories of his younger days that he hid away.

Leaning against the door frame, not fully believing he was seeing what he was. Muscle definition he never paid attention to before flexing as Y/n leaned up on her tiptoes. Reaching high up into the cupboard for a new box of cereal. The thin fabric rising higher exposing black cottony panties, her ass in full view. Curves and a roundness that had been hidden behind tactical gear all these years.

The urge to sneak up behind and pull her into his chest. The need to brush away the hair from her neck and leave a trail of kisses. Trouble, all of his thoughts were nothing but trouble. His mouth open, heart thumping in his chest. Eyes he knew were bugging out staring at Y/n. Swallowing a mouthful of air he slipped away before he was caught. He needed a cold shower stat. Swiftly making his way to his bedroom, hearing the sounds of the washer on the back porch.

'She's just doing her laundry stupid. It doesn't mean anything.' He chastised himself.

No amount of cold water could flush that image from his head. Standing under the spray of icy water. Y/n's curves etched in his brain. Thinking about her the way he was. The things he wanted to do. It felt wrong but so right. Downright dirty, but damn if Y/n didn't look good in his shirt.


	7. Chapter 7

A night out at the bar after a two-month-long rough job, blowing off steam. It'd been several months since Y/n had moved in with Toll. The guys were making subtle and not so subtle jokes that either Y/n and Toll just didn't hear or don't care. Cracking jokes and taking jabs that they were an old married couple and didn't know it, complete with the lack of sex life.

"What's with the shirt?" Christmas teased lifting the worn sleeve of the t-shirt Y/n wore like it was contagious. He knew of only one Navy SEAL and it certainly couldn't have been Toll's shirt she was wearing. "Thought you was Special Forces?"

"I was," Y/n smirked peeking a glimpse of Toll across the table in a hushed conversation with Caesar. "But I'd never turn down the opportunity to be covered by a SEAL." Playing with the collar of the shirt, running her finger under the hem. She was tipsy enough to finally let her guard down.

The conversation between Toll and Caesar had halted. Both of the men staring at her curiously. Barney and Lee both caught midway through commenting when Y/n let out a rare giggle. A rare moment when she broke out from the pack and let her feminine side out. Let the walls she'd spent years building crack and show a brief glimpse of the real person she kept hidden.

"Strong muscular arms, thick thighs and doesn't mind getting wet for hours at a time. How could a woman not want to 'wear' a SEAL... shirt that is." Toll nearly spit out his beer and stared wide-eyed and dumbfounded. Y/n smirked at Lee knocking back the shot of Tequila Gunner sat down in front of her.

Old Point Bar was crowded and packed. Music thumping through the sound system. A younger man closer to Y/n's age had come up and asked her to dance. He seemed a bit confident considering the men at her table were staring him down. He looked like some punk on vacation letting his wild side out. That's the way most people were when they came to New Orleans. Toll stiffened in his seat, glaring at the guy hoping to scare him off. Y/n chuckled looking at the guys and back towards the attractive man.

"Why not, might be nice to not get my toes stepped on," she laughed poking Gunner in the shoulder as she followed the tall dark stranger out onto the dance floor.

Toll was glaring daggers at the prick, not liking the look of him at all. The jokes going on at the table that maybe Y/n was finally gonna get lucky, going in Toll's ear and out the other. The longer he stared, the angrier he got. Surprising himself how jealous he felt. It wasn't like Y/n was his, he never made a move so he had no right to be jealous. The guy was getting too handsy for his liking, drifting lower on her body. Each time the throng of bodies parted on the floor allowing Toll to see her fully, he wanted to shoot the guy right between his eyes.

Taking a sip of his beer, impatiently waiting for the bodies to move and show her again. He saw that furious look in her eyes as she shoved the guy in the chest. It was like watching lighting, not because it was beautiful, but because you knew the explosion was close to happening. Pushing him away from her and yet he still tried to get close putting his hands on her waist. Toll had had enough. Getting out of his chair quickly knocking it to the wood floor. Stomping towards Y/n, shoving people out of his way, stepping between her and the asshole.

"Back off punk!" Toll squared up, chest heaving in anger snarling at the jerk. To Toll, he looked like some punk college drop-out. The typical moronic beta male trying to be an alpha.

"Step off Grandpa," the slightly drunken idiot with a deathwish spat back in Toll's face, shoving his finger in his chest.

"Grandpa's gonna crush your windpipe you Lil bitch!" Toll was close to losing it, seeing red. Adrenaline rushing through him, slamming around inside like waves crashing against a beach during a hurricane.

Toll stepped closer getting into his face. Brows and eyes squinting in rage. His chest heaving, heart-pounding inside his ribcage. Lips curled into a snarl. His brain registering the feel of Y/n's fingers lacing through his hand. The tug of her trying to pull him back.

"Not worth the night in jail Toll." He heard her words but they didn't want to register. "Come on, show a girl what ya got..." she giggled murmuring the next word breathy next to his ear. "Grandpa."

Turning enough to see that darkness in her eyes again, just like in the gym. The tint of rosiness on the tips of her ears. Trying to remember how many drinks she had, whether the change was because of alcohol, surely it couldn't be because of him.

'Was it a trick of the light?' he thought.

Y/n saw Toll's eyes softening peering down at her. His jaw unclenching and relaxing.

"Get the fuck outta here," Toll snarled at the moron, watching him scramble away getting lost in the sea of bodies in the bar headed towards the door.

Two Feet- 'Go Fuck Yourself' bumping out of the speakers of the bar's surround system. Y/n settled herself in front of Toll. Palms resting on his chest in an attempt to keep him calm. He felt like a raging beast sometimes, at the mercy of his anger. His eyes drifting toward her hands and back in her eyes, seeing the little curl of a smile. Letting the beat of the song take over, she swayed her body. Trapping one of his massively thick thighs between hers.

**_Oh oh oh oh oh_ **

_**Oh oh oh oh oh** _

_**Oh oh oh oh oh** _

_**Oh oh oh oh** _

Rolling her hips, shaking her ass dancing, Toll let himself forget the asshole. Momentarily forget that he was standing in the middle of a dance floor in a crowded bar. Forget that his friends sat a few yards away staring at him in shocked awe.

Closing his eyes letting out a huff trying to hide a smirk, his palms settling on her waist. Y/n taking the lead and he was along for the ride. His body matching the sway of hers, moving in such a way that shouldn't be done in public. Each time Y/n rolled her hips, the friction drove him insane. Struggling to keep his composure. He shouldn't feel this way, but he didn't want it to stop either.

_**Fucked and drank all night** _

_**Acted all alright** _

_**Had no need to fight** _

_**Tonight, tonight** _

_**Fucked and drank all night** _

_**Acted all alright** _

_**Had no need to fight** _

_**Tonight, tonight** _

He watched intently, feeling her tremble beneath his touch. Seeing her lean upward, the glint in her eyes. Pupils were blown wide like brilliant onyx stones sparkling in the neon lights of the bar. Toll felt her chest rubbing against him the closer she moved until she was smashed against him. Rolling and grinding, riding his thigh like it was her steed.

_**Cast me far away** _

_**Play these little games** _

_**Actin' all okay** _

_**Today, today** _

_**Cast me far away** _

_**Play these little games** _

_**Actin' all okay** _

_**Today, today** _

The song ended too soon for his liking. Standing there both staring at each other. Y/n's lips slightly parted, the tip of her tongue rolling over them, licking them wet. He knew she could feel it, rock hard rubbing on her thigh. Her eyes darted downward with a smirk playing on her lips.

The urge to grab her hand and pull her out of the bar getting stronger. To find someplace dark and quiet. The need to feel Y/n writhing under him clouding his judgment. He didn't even see Gunner standing beside her with a sly grin of his own. In an instant, Y/n was being swept away and out of his grasp as Gunner spun her around the floor to some obnoxious 80s Glam rock.

Walking back to his seat, Toll slumped down in a daze. Downing the rest of his beer without breath, seeing her laughing while dancing with Gunner. Nowhere near as 'intimate' as she had been with him. The burning gaze of Ceasar pulling him back to himself.

"What?" Toll growled at his best friend. Caesar's mouth poised open to say something but clamped it shut.

Toll decided that night, it would be the last time Y/n and he rode in separate vehicles somewhere. The assholes in the bar would have to watch her leaving with him from now on. That thought brought a wicked grin to his face.

**~~~~~~**

One night while loading the plane for a job, the rest of the men stopped in curious silence seeing Y/n and Toll roll up inside the hangar bay in her truck, Toll behind the wheel. They all exchanged odd glances dropping their crates watching in disbelief. That truck was Y/n's baby, no one was allowed to touch it and yet there was Toll... driving.

The way Y/n and Toll were walking side by side almost looking like a couple. Laughing and joking, pulling their bags out of the bed of the truck. Y/n playful shoved his shoulder catching him off balance, his bag dropped to the concrete floor. The serial killer glare plastered on his face, but Y/n just laughed unafraid. Ditching her bag on the floor, letting out a squeal running away as Toll chased behind her laughing.

Zipping through stacks of boxes and fuel drums, Y/n trying to outrun him. Laughing, completely ignoring the presence of the rest of the guys. Just when she thought she'd gotten free from repercussions, Toll picked her up from behind, tossing her over his shoulder. Poking her sides making her squirm as he stomped up the cargo bay ramp.

"Don't forget the cooler!" she snickered wiggling out from his grip smacking his ass.

"I got it," he called out chuckling stepping out of the plane.

Caesar, Barney, Gunner, Christmas, and Yang all stood with arms crossed staring at Toll. Caeser with a raised eye. So many questions and yet none of them willing to ask. Hefting a cooler out of the back of Y/n's truck, Toll glared back at his friends.

"We going or what?" That playful banter and laughter they'd all witnessed moments before gone from Toll's expression.

Y/n slipped past the lot of them, paying them no mind going back for her's and Toll's bags. Tossing the bags over her shoulders, again playfully smacking Toll's ass this time in eyesight of the others. His attention wandered towards her, eyes locked onto her figure as she walked past him. Biting the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning. He had no idea what had come over either of them, but their friendship was shifting into new territory. 

**~~~~~~**

Running from the explosion not seeing the lone insurgent. Thinking she was in the clear until a sharp stinging pain wracked through Y/n's side. Throbbing, pulsing. Her gear was a 'little tight' she thought. Or maybe that last fight getting chucked into a brick wall had bruised a rib, possibly cracked one. Barely making it to the plane. The others just inside coaxing her to hurry up and shut the door. Barney taking off. Y/n struggled to catch her breath, slumping against the wall just beside the door.

"You alright Y/n? You look a Lil pale." Caesar glanced up during takeoff.

"M' fine," Y/n coughed, wincing in pain.

Her knees wobbled as she tried to walk towards a seat. Taking off her flack vest trying to loosen the throbbing. Her knees buckled under her as the blood oozed through her shirt. Holding tight onto the rim of the overhead bin trying to catch her breath.

"Y/n, you good?" Barney looked back once the plane was stable and up in the air.

Her legs were shaking, her body felt like it was burning up. Holding her arm tight around her side and then she felt it. Pulling back her hand seeing it coated in blood.

"Fuck!" hissing in agony.

Dizziness. The pressure from the vest was what was keeping the gunshot in check. Keeping the worst of the pain at bay. How could she have been so stupid?

"No, not fine!" Groaning, almost on the verge of a shallow scream.

Black dots filled her vision. Y/n's body swaying, falling face-first into the metal floor, but Toll caught her before she made contact. Turning her on her back, laying her down. It was then the rest of them could see the truth of it. The darkened spot that seemed to grow on her shirt. The smell of copper pennies filling the cargo bay.

"You damned stubborn ass!" Toll lifted her shirt examining the bullet wound. Christmas bolting from the co-pilot's seat grabbing the medkit on his way. The first thing he did was inject a sedative into her system.

Christmas with bandage scissors in hand began cutting her shirt for ease with the wound. Pulling apart the shirt examining the entry point of the bullet, getting a view of the fleshy part of her side just above the hip. It was when he reached for the alcohol to clean the wound that his eyes fell on the tattoo. The one she tried to hide from them ages ago.

Golden yellows outlined in black. It looked so real he wanted to touch it, feel it's sharp edges. It was so lifelike. Christmas could understand now why she was so hesitant to show it. Toll hadn't noticed yet, his gaze wouldn't leave Y/n's face. Coughing trying to grab Toll's attention to it did little so Christmas set to work.

"You love my stubborn ass," Y/n coughed, groaning, hissing at the sting of the alcohol being poured over her skin. Trying to make light of the situation like she always did when she didn't want to appear weak.

"That goes without saying." Holding her hand trying to keep her focused on him instead of Lee digging around inside her for the bullet. Turning her hand in his, linking their fingers together. Wiping away the sweat from her forehead.

"Sorry handsome," running the knuckles of her free hand over his ear and jaw. She looked tired, so worn down, but those damned eyes sparkled at him, still trying to give _him_ comfort.

"Don't be sorry." Normally stoic Toll was visibly distraught. His emotions had gone into overload. It was just like the rushing river in the jungle all over again. Y/n could feel the shaking in his hand, the subtle tremble in his fingers as they attempted to tighten their hold on hers. "Next time, you don't leave my side, right?"

"Deal." She closed her eyes sighing, the sedative taking hold.

"My girl's a fighter," Toll softly spoke, fingers grazing her cheek.

Seeing the bullet come out and the stitch job. Toll stared at the insignia on her ribcage. His mind was coming up blank, his heart hammering in his chest. That stupid voice in his head screaming that tattoo had nothing to do with him. Staring back at him, so real, so lifelike was an insignia he hadn't worn in years. The eagle clutching onto a navy anchor, the trident, and the flintlock pistol. That was the tattoo she chose to keep hidden and kissed his ear over, the Navy SEAL emblem.

"A few weeks of bed rest and lounging on the couch with all the Pay-Per-View fights you can stomach. I'll even let you have all the Cocoa Pebbles." Toll choked out stunned. It sounded dazed and almost elated. He wanted to believe with all his heart that that was HIS insignia tattooed on her skin.

"Sounds like a date," she chuckled with heavy lids fighting sleep. "Hey, Toll?"

"What is it, sweetheart?" Ignoring the choking cough from Caesar or the stunned glare from Christmas. Toll didn't like seeing her like this. He'd say any words he could, call her anything under the sun if it would help her ease the pain.

"Anyone ever tell you you're gorgeous? Bet the Greeks would have modeled statues after you." Softly patting his cheek before her arm slumped to the floor.

Toll didn't get to respond, Y/n was out cold. The rest of the guys weren't sure what to think. A mix of shock, awe, and smirks. So many comments that wanted to be uttered and yet they just couldn't. Christmas knelt beside her, covering the wound with a nod letting Toll know he was done. It was all up to Y/n now, recovery was in her hands. It was a clean shot, and she was lucky it didn't hit anything vital.

Toll sat beside her, getting himself settled on the floor for the duration of the flight. Stuffing a jacket behind her head attempting to make her comfortable. A blanket Caesar had handed him draped over her to keep her warm. There were so many questions rolling around inside his head as he held onto her hand. Was that for him, that tattoo? Was it because of him? Or was that for another man from her past?

Christmas hadn't spoken of the tattoo but he saw the look on Caesar's face when he finally stood up to give Toll some space. It was a look that said he wasn't the only one thinking that something deeper was going on with Y/n and Toll. They all glanced at Toll beside her, holding her hand, not daring to move. Aside from wiping sweat off her forehead, he sat motionless quietly muttering the same thing.

"My girl's a fighter."

**~~~~~~**

A job had come up rather quickly, only two weeks after they'd gotten back from the last one. Y/n was still recovering though she'd been in a daily battle with Toll that she was fine. Toll hovered over her day and night. Examining every wince and sound she made as if it was the worst possible scenario. He was relentless in his actions. Helping her up off the couch, walking behind her in case she fell.

"I was shot Toll," she groaned amused ambling down the hallway towards the bathroom. "I think I can walk by myself Big Guy, go sit down and take a deep breath."

"But what if..." that husky deep voice that had once sent shivers down the spines of insurgents had shifted and changed. Replaced with a deep resonance of concern and fear, it sounded so soft now.

"Toll," turning on her heels, offering a sweet smile resting her palm on his cheek. "I'll be alright, I promise, but you've got to get packed." Heading back down the hallway she stopped short of her door. "And tell Barney he can go fuck himself for not letting me come along. All you jackoffs have been worse off and still gone on a job. This is discrimination I tell you!"

The humor in her voice, the light and airy yet slightly threatening way she spoke made him smile. She was stubborn and that was one of the strangest damned things about her he loved the most. Y/n didn't want to stay behind, didn't want her boys to get screwed because she wasn't there to watch their backs, but Barney flat out refused to let her go. Neither of them knew how close to benching Toll for that mission Barney was either.

**~~~~~~**

Toll worried the entire time he was gone. The image of those doe-like eyes staring back at him as she dropped him off at the hangar. The way she kicked her foot at a broken bit of the floor while the guys loaded up the plane. Y/n kept staring at him like she wanted to say something but only wished him to 'stay safe' and at the last second pulled him into a hug tucking her head under his chin. All the things that could go wrong while he was away swimming around in his head throughout the flight.

A week into the mission, a phone went off as the men were hiking through the mountains trying to get a good vantage point of their target in the valley below. Agitated Barney thought it was Christmas. Scowling at him, rolling his eyes. As soft as the sound was it could still have traveled miles and been heard by the heavily armed guards of their target.

"Really!?" Barney glared at Christmas. "Thought we talked about this?"

"It's not me!" Christmas grumbled back. Heads turning towards the muffled sound coming from Toll's pocket.

"Shut up," Toll barked back digging in his pocket for his phone. Y/n's picture lit up on the screen.

Christmas and the others smug grins teasing Toll. Caesar making kissy noises in the background. 

"Hello sweetheart," Barney teased Toll over the pet name he called her after she'd been shot.

"You alright Y/n?" Glaring back at the rest of the men. The death glare not matching the soft tone of his voice as he spoke.

"Whose fucking idea was it to have Trench of all people check on me!!" Toll laughed seeing the guilty expression on Barney's face. Her irate yells being heard by all of them. Toll chuckled holding the phone away from his ear.

"Hmm, not sure, but you can bet I'll figure it out. You got revenge planned for the culprit?" Toll's menacing smirk aimed at Barney.

"Sorry, 'bout that didn't mean to yell," she huffed nervously. "How's it going?" He could tell that she was pissed not being able to go. Being left behind, she hated it.

"A couple more days and I should be home. Another week tops." The smile on his face widening, as he trudged through the woods hearing her sigh on the other end. "I'll give you a call on the way home alright?"

"Great! I'll meet you at the hangar and we can go out for drinks. I'm going stir crazy by myself." That sweetness in her voice was just killing him being so far away. "Gotta celebrate the conquering heroes ya know!"

Taking a couple of steps away from the guys, lowering his voice as he spoke.

"Thanks ... for uh... you know, the cookies you snuck in my bag." He could hear the stifled laughter behind him, the fake kissy noises made by all of them now.

"Anything for you handsome," he could hear her smile. Closing his eyes wishing he could see it in person. "Be careful and give 'em hell."

Ending the call staring at the picture on his phone. Y/n tried to be funny and set a picture of herself sticking her tongue out at the camera as his home screen. She thought it would annoy him, a stupid joke, but she didn't realize how adorable she looked like that to him. Ceasar peeking over Toll's shoulder.

"Something you wanna tell your best friend finally?" Caesar urged. Toll turning off his phone, shoving it back in his pocket.

"Shut up," Toll growled fighting back a grin, but the truth was he still hadn't worked up the nerve to say anything at all. Parts of him still convinced it was all his imagination.


	8. Chapter 8

Toll was the last off the plane. His face bruised and scrapped, a nose that was most definitely broken. He tried to angle himself so she wouldn't see. Y/n had enough on her plate and didn't need to worry about him too. The assembled party stopped unloading the plane and watched her slink out of her truck towards Toll about to hug him when she caught just a glimpse of purple and black bruising. 

Hooking her finger under his chin turning his face. He didn't put up much a fuss. He was stronger than her, there was no doubt, but something about her just made him weak in the knees. Wide-eyed, empathy, and compassion filling them as she stared at the damage. Toll avoided her eyes, trying not to see the worry in them.

"Toll," she gasped, fingers just barely touching the scraps and scratches above his right eye. "For the love of ..." focusing on his nose. The puffiness and bruising.

"It's nothing," he tried to laugh it off as if it was no big deal, but damned if he didn't enjoy the feel of her fingers on his skin. All that damned compassion wafting off her and for him.

"Stay right there," she scampered off back to her truck, fumbling in her glove compartment. "Don't you move Toll Road!" She yelled with a commanding tone that had the others snickering watching Toll shuffling from foot to foot where he stood shaking his head with a faint grin.

"Told you that ear would freak her out eventually," Christmas laughed. Y/n coming back with a teeny silver tin. Toll rolled his eyes with a widening smile hoping the heat he felt wasn't evident on his face.

"Let me guess, another remedy from the Quarter?" He wanted to sound annoyed, but he just couldn't, not with her. Letting out a sigh he rolled his eyes.

"You're learnin'," she winked.

A strong smell of lavender hit him hard as she opened the tin. He stood still ignoring the peanut gallery behind them making comments as she slathered it on the cuts. Her face had gotten so close to his, their noses almost brushing against one another. Shy glances and awkward tiny smiles as they looked at each other.

"The tension is just..." Barney grumbled with a smirk, chomping on the cigar between his lips.

"Fuckin' kiss already!" Christmas barked out sternly with a grin.

Y/n chucked a knife at Christmas slicing through the handle of the duffel bag in his hand. A loud thump from the canvas pack hitting the ground and her knife sliding across the cement floor under the belly of the plane. Just like months before she'd done so without looking away from those mesmerizing blue/grey eyes of Toll.

"Play nice kids," Barney chuckled impressed as always at her aim.

"Anyone else wondering where she was hiding that big knife in those shorts?" Gunner questioned cutting through the tension with a bit of ill-timed humor causing Y/n and Toll to step apart from one another in nervous laughter.

**~~~~~~**

Everyone sat around a few tables at Old Point Bar sharing drinks and filling Y/n in on the job. Christmas had brought Lacy along but regretted it after finding out it was karaoke night. Lacy could never help herself after a few drinks. She'd get up on stage and serenade Lee off-key and tipsy. Lacy was already near the stage flipping through the book trying to find the perfect song to welcome Lee home with.

Caesar couldn't take the awkward tension between Y/n and Toll a second longer. All night they'd been glancing at each other from across the table. Ridiculously flustered grins while the other would look away when they were caught staring. It was like those two had reverted into teenagers and suddenly forgot how to act normal. Hearing a good song, Caesar pulled Y/n out of her seat and onto the little dance floor. Swirling her around in circles gently until she couldn't stop laughing.

"Can I ask you something?" Caesar whispered not that anyone would have heard him over the music.

"Never stopped you before," Y/n rolled her eyes at his playful tone and million-watt smile.

"What are your intentions with my boy?" His look had turned serious, all joking pushed away. "What's the hold-up?"

"It's complicated," she sighed catching a glimpse of Toll across the dance floor. Toll's eyes kept darting from Barney who was talking and to her.

"Don't seem so complicated to me." Caesar quirking a brow at how quickly the blush had erupted on her neck and ears.

"How am I supposed to get a man like Toll to believe it's real?!" Her words, her tone, all of it on the cusp of frustration and desperation.

"Gotta show him, now woman up already," Ceasar smirked seeing an opportunity spinning Y/n into Toll whose was walking up behind them.

Toll caught Y/n as she wobbled off balance. His hands on her waist, hers clutched tight on his forearms. A blushing mess as she stared up at him. Just a tiny hint of color on his face smiling at her as Caesar disappeared out of sight leaving them in the middle of the dance floor.

"You alright there?" Toll laughed, looking better than he had when he walked off the plane early that night. Without thinking, he lifted the edge of her shirt checking on the bandage. Y/n let out a soft gasp feeling the tips of his fingers graze over her skin. "Sorry, I-I shouldn't have..."

"It's fine," she chuckled shyly. Why'd he have to affect her so? "Caesar's a bit much sometimes, huh?" Deflection, one of her oldest friends.

Toll still hadn't let go of her waist. Freeing one hand of its hold, he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Three weeks away from her felt like a year. He missed her smile, the sound of her laugh, the exotic floral scent of her perfume, but that courage he thought he worked up to lay everything out on the table was dwindling standing in front of her. He could only think that she deserved so much better than him.

"He means well, he's just... Caesar." His voice low, getting lost in her eyes. Toll's features softening, an unusually tender smile curling over his mouth.

"Yeah," her fingers trembling loosening their desperate hold on his arms.

The soft intro to 'We've Got Tonight' playing in the background. Caesar smirking wildly from up on the stage, microphone in hand singing the words. The rest of their friends grinning and laughing from their table seeing Y/n and Toll flustered and anxious. They were the only ones not moving on the dance floor.

Toll took her hand in his, spinning her slowly making her flash that sweet little smile of hers. It was the way she always smiled first thing in the morning. Still tired and groggy, but it lit up like the sun when he'd walk into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

Pulling her delicately into him, afraid to cause her any pain from her injury, hips flush together. A hand falling on her lower back as they slowly danced. Faces inching closer together. Toll studied her in that fleeting moment. The way the light seemed to dance in her eyes. She was beyond beautiful. Y/n was stunning even in a pair of denim cut-offs and faded Van Halen t-shirt.

Their lips on the cusp of meeting. Tilting her chin upward as his lips ghosted over hers, so close to kissing when Gunner broke out in a ruckus singing a drunken bar song over Caesar's voice ringing out from the tiny stage. Y/n pulled away realizing how close she was to ruining everything. She was so wrapped up in her head she didn't notice she wasn't the only one that had inched closer. Didn't see that Toll was just as hopelessly stupid as she was.

"I uh... I need a beer," Y/n mumbled pulling away from Toll and headed towards the bar. Toll left in confusion wondering what he did wrong.

Christmas and Lacy were reading Gunner the riot act. Hissing over what could have happened if he hadn't opened his mouth. Barney and Caesar both laughing at Gunner and how caught off guard he was at the 'attack'. Grumbling that he was tired of hearing Caesar's voice, he wasn't even paying attention to Toll and Y/n.

Tossing back a shot at the bar, her mind running wild and away from her. Y/n knew she shouldn't be mixing alcohol with her pain meds, but her anxiety talked her brain out of using common sense. Three shots of whiskey later, Y/n's name was called from the DJ booth. She never put her name on the list for a song.

Agitated, Y/n groaned. Turning around on the barstool as Caesar started chanting her name trying to get the rest of the bar to follow along. Reluctantly Y/n found herself climbing the little stage seeing the song cued up. Pointing at Caesar scowling, she slid her index finger across her neck at him, mouthing 'you're dead', but Caesar only grinned smugly.

The all too familiar guitar rift slowly making its way out of the speakers. Y/n stood in front of the microphone stand. Flushed neck and cheeks from the alcohol and Caesar's treachery. She could have ignored them all, but the shots took over her better judgment. One hand on the microphone, her body softly swaying as her fingers tapped away on her thigh. She closed her eyes letting out a tired sigh as she began to sing. Airy and sultry aided by a little liquid courage.

_**Saying I love you** _

**_Is not the words I want to hear from you_ **

_**It's not that I want you** _

**_Not to say, but if you only knew_ **

**_How easy it would be to show me how you feel_ **

**_More than words is all you have to do to make it real_ **

**_Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me_ **

_**'Cause I'd already know** _

Toll had heard that sweet voice so often at home, but watching her up that dinky little stage was like she was meant to be there. Christmas spit out his beer over the table hearing what the others never had the privilege to. Ceasar wide-eyed in a daze. Barney blinking heavy doing a double-take up at the stage as if it wasn't Y/n up there. They were stunned in silence staring up at Y/n. Her eyes closed belting out words as if she was in a different world.

_**What would you do if my heart was torn in two** _

**_More than words to show you feel_ **

**_That your love for me is real_ **

**_What would you say if I took those words away_ **

**_Then you couldn't make things new_ **

**_Just by saying I love you_ **

Caesar was the first to lift a lighter in the air, swaying his massive arm in the air. A few more lighters lifted with his around the bar.

_**La di da, da di da, di dai dai da** _

_**More than words** _

_**La di da, da di da, di dai dai da** _

Belting her aching heart out, letting the alcohol influence her too much. Bubbling nerves swimming around in her stomach. She wouldn't allow herself to open her eyes, to look Toll's way. She couldn't bear the sight of rejection in those stormy blue/grey eyes even though she was only singing a song, a song that said more than she ever had aloud.

**_Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand_ **

_**All you have to do is close your eyes** _

**_And just reach out your hands and touch me_ **

**_Hold me close don't ever let me go_ **

**_More than words is all I ever needed you to show_ **

**_Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me_ **

_**'Cause I'd already know** _

Y/n was like an entirely different person up there. Not the snarky little hellion in the field or the lazy cereal munching bookworm at home. Not the amped-up fighter in the gym. This was a whole new person, another layer of her hidden behind those walls of hers. The passion and fire streaking over her, floating in the air clinging to the words as they fled her mouth.

_**What would you do if my heart was torn in two** _

**_More than words to show you feel_ **

_**That your love for me is real** _

**_What would you say if I took those words away_ **

_**Then you couldn't make things new** _

_**Just by saying I love you** _

Y/n jumped off the stage making her way back to the tables when nature decided it wasn't going to play nice. The gurgling and taste of bile creeping up the back of her throat. Sprinting towards the side door of the bar. She barely made it outside before everything came back up splattering over the asphalt.

Toll was out of his seat rushing her way. Panic set in, fear that something was wrong. What if it was an infection? What they missed a piece of the bullet? He found her hunched over with her hands on her knees. Coughing and dry heaving. Pulling back her hair out of her face, he rubbed her back.

"I told you to take it easy on the beer." For the moment he was more worried than upset. Y/n knew her limits better than anyone. He didn't want to come off as nagging about alcohol when the night had started.

"Whiskey," she rasped, heaving the leftover contents of her stomach in the alleyway.

"Jesus Christ Y/n!" Toll growled sternly. His voice was raised, on the cusp of shouting. "You can't... the pain meds!"

"I know!" she coughed, tears streaming from her eyes as she wiped her mouth. "Don't yell at me." The hurt and rage in her eyes staring back at him.

"I wasn't-" he sighed pulling off his sweatshirt and covering her shoulders. "Sorry, I didn't... I didn't mean to yell. Let's just get you home."

**~~~~~~**

She was asleep by the time he pulled into the driveway. Carrying her from the truck inside the house. Her head in the crook of his neck, her arms around him. Y/n had that fragile look about her again as he laid her in her bed. Grabbing a Gatorade from the fridge to set on her nightstand and a bottle of Tylenol. Y/n reached out grabbing hold of his wrist.

"Toll," she mumbled burying herself beneath her blankets. "Sorry, I'm such a mess."

The meek way she spoke, the tremble of her fingers wrapped around his wrist. It broke something inside him, made him ache. She sounded as if she'd committed a crime, like puking after a few drinks were punishable by law. How in the hell could she ever think she was a mess? He was a mess, she was... human, faults and all.

"You're the furthest thing from a mess sweetheart." He couldn't remember if there was ever a time that his voice had sounded that way. Weighing him down full of sadness and guilt.

"Can... can you stay with me?" She wouldn't look at him, her insecurities raging inside her. Y/n knew her voice cracked, the words were coming out strained. "I-I... can't handle having that nightmare again. Every damned night since you left."

Toll felt his heart shattering, he felt utterly gutted inside. He knew leaving her alone was a bad idea and that little omission of hers just proved it. Now he understood why she'd called in the middle of the job. Why she had sounded exhausted. It was a cry for help in her little way and he missed it.

"You drink some of that Gatorade and yeah, I'll uh... yeah." She needed him to be strong, at least that's what he thought.

Y/n leaned up on her elbow chugging most of the bottle before rushing to the bathroom. The sound of the faucet running and vigorous scrubbing of a toothbrush. Y/n flopped back on the bed with a groan. Toll slipped off his sneakers and slid in the bed behind her. Internally freaking out as he snuggled up behind her. The last time he'd done such a thing for a woman was for the one that ruined his life.

That woman was a hateful, spiteful thing. A vile creature that thrived on tearing others down just to make herself feel good. She'd managed to manipulate and worm her way inside Toll to the point he didn't see her for what she was. She was emotionally and physically abusive towards him, but with the way he grew up, he thought that was how love was. Despite everything she'd done to him, he would still hold her close at night even as she spouted horrendous things his way.

Y/n reached back shakily, pulling his arm over her stomach. Wiggling her body closer to his she let out a heavy sigh. Her fingers lacing their way between his squeezing tight. They laid in silence listening to the subtle thump of their heartbeats in the darkness.

"Didn't realize you were still having that nightmare," Toll whispered.

"Every night like clockwork since I got shot," Y/n responded with a heavy sigh. Toll's arm glided under her pillow as he made himself comfortable. "I've been shot before. I don't... I don't understand why this time is different."

"Analyst?" He didn't need to say any more than that, she understood. That was just the way they were sometimes. An understanding between the two of them with just a single word or even a look, but it didn't stop him from kicking himself for not hearing her need over the phone.

"Same song and dance, but this time they suggested meds." Y/n nuzzled her head into her pillow, her body slowly relaxing against his. "Been down that road before and they never work. They screw with my concentration on the job."

"You know..." resting his head on hers, his mouth close to her ear. The demons inside his head raging. Screaming for him to stop it. "You can talk to me. I've been there, I get it. Sometimes you just need someone to listen while you vent with no judgment."

They laid quiet for some time, Toll listening to her slow even breathing. Feeling the rise and fall of her chest on his arm. Her thumb was grazing over the back of his hand lazily.

"I don't think it's the memories of the torture that makes the nightmares come," she whispered into the dark. "I'd been beaten before," she paused. "Alcoholic father with anger issues growing up."

Toll tensed behind her, he'd never heard her talk of her life before. Not anything before the Special Forces that was.

"I don't dream so much of the beatings or the torture, but of the looks on your faces. The terror and fear, the horror. I don't know," running her thumb over his knuckles. "Guess I feel like no matter what I do I'm disappointing someone. Like I think back on that situation getting captured and I keep beating myself up trying to convince myself what I could have done differently when there wasn't anything. I felt weak and I still do. It's stupid, I know."

"It's not stupid." Letting his arms pull her closer to him. Snug and flush against his body. "Feeling like you're disappointing people just shows how much you care about them. If you didn't then you'd be like Gunner."

Y/n let out a tired laugh, but Toll could feel the tears as they dripped from her cheek. The pieces slowly fitting together. Why she laughed just a little too long at jokes, or reached out and held onto one of them. Why she always smiled a little too much. He realized she wasn't okay, she was never okay. Y/n was dealing with her own demons, her own anxieties, but she did so in silence and under the guise of being alright.

"You're not weak," he held her tighter, squeezing her in comfort. "You've been traumatized and that made you lose faith in good things. You feel hopeless and scared and that you have to bottle it all up inside because if you let it out then people are gonna see you differently. I've been there Y/n, fuck, I'm still there. Feels like I'm treading water and each time I get my head above the surface, I get pulled back under." 

His arms locked over her chest hugging her wanting her to know he wasn't going anywhere.

"Fuck people, fuck what they think. You are without a doubt the strongest, kindest, most selfless, stubborn pain in the ass I have ever met, but you are NOT, nor will you ever be weak. Not to me."

Toll let himself go and kissed her cheek. He stayed awake long after she'd fallen asleep just listening to her. Y/n hardly stirred, when she did it was when her fingers had slipped out of his. She would wiggle and groan, her hand aimlessly searching for his.

He wanted to tell her, to wake her up and kiss her fiercely. Bellow out in the darkness that he loved her and he would until his dying day, but that sweet woman in his arms deserved more than he could give her. He wasn't a date night in the best restaurant in town kind of guy. Wasn't the most open with his feelings or public displays of affection. He was grumpy and set in his ways.

He was older than her by quite a few years and that was something that crossed his mind more than once. Y/n should be with a guy closer to her own age, someone who could give her the world, not hold her back, but Toll loved her too damned much. Just the thought of her with another man made his blood boil and his heartache. Life was complicated and hard and his little quirks would eventually be too much for her to handle. But he loved her, by gods he loved that woman, maybe it was for the best if he never said anything at all. 


	9. Chapter 9

Waking up in a tangle of limbs. Toll was overly tired and reluctant to let go believing he was still dreaming. He was flat on his back, Y/n's head was tucked under his chin. His arms tucked around her back holding her to him protectively. She was half laying on top of him. One of her arms under his and behind his neck, fingers holding tightly. The other draped over his chest twitching in her sleep.

Toll let out a groggy groan when she stirred and sleepily kissed the top of her head. One of his hands trailed up her back, fingers tangling in her hair as he let out a contented sigh. Again he found himself lifting his head, sleepily kissing her forehead. His fingers stroking over her hair as he drifted back to sleep.

Y/n's eyes shot open in panic staring at the muscled chest smashed in her face. Bristly chest hairs tickling her nose. Slowly inhaling the scent that was Toll, musk, bergamot, and something woodsy. He shifted in his sleep unphased by the semi-hard growth rising between his legs and rubbing on her thigh. Y/n let out a little 'eep' and covered her mouth. Toll instantly woke to the sound and hastily let go of Y/n.

"I... uh... sorry," promptly letting his arms fall away as Y/n rolled over on her back.

Toll stared at the ceiling, but Y/n could see his eyes nervously darting around. It was awkward and shy and full of avoided eye contact. Y/n pulled the sheet up over her mouth blinking in disbelief. It wasn't that she didn't remember the previous night, it was just... she didn't expect Toll to still be there in the morning let alone how easily they had 'cuddled' together like that. He peeked her way out of the corner of his eye and bit back a husky laugh seeing her enlarged eyes peering back at him and the sheet covering half her face.

"What are you doing?" A thin-lipped smile spread over his mouth as he sat up in bed leaning back on the headboard as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"I uh... morning breath," Y/n replied muffled behind the fabric and her hand.

"And that's different than your dragon breath any other morning how?" Toll quipped with a cheeky smirk and a raised brow.

Y/n quickly sat up, the sheet slipping away from her as she smacked his chest. Both of them broke out in a bout of laughter, play fighting and hitting each other with her pillows. The teasing and banter took a turn when Toll tried to get up and leave. Y/n pulled him back on the bed in a fit of giggles pinning him down straddling his waist determined to find the ticklish spot he denied he had.

Toll was trying his damnedest not to crack a smile, to not laugh when she found it. Along his side just below his ribcage. Her nails just barely grazing the spot slowly making him squirm. Widening her grin in triumph seeing him struggling not to laugh. The big bad stoic demolitions expert, the deadly fighter, the Navy SEAL was at her mercy trying to hold back his laughter. Jerking his body, trying to keep her from her playful attack only made Y/n snicker and smirk.

He couldn't let her win though, couldn't let Y/n have the upper-hand. Toll moved as quick as lightning flipping her on her back. Nestled between her legs staring down at her, all laughter gone in the blink of an eye. His forearms resting on the plush mattress beside her head. Y/n's hair splayed over the bed. The early morning rays of sunlight poking through the window casting a glow over her features.

Bright shiny eyes peering up. Flecks of color sparkling back at him, hints of familiar darkness to them coming to life. He watched in silence as she gulped a breath of air. Heard the swallow of it sticking in her throat. Felt her hands shakily moving up, fingers sneaking their way under his shirt. Nails gently scratching as they trailed up his chest.

He reached down not fully knowing why but he pulled it off, tossing it aside. Watched her eyes dance from his to his bare chest. Her fingertips skimming over his abs sending a shiver through his body. Her hands moved over every scar with reverence. The look in her eye said she remembered each job they came from. Remembered the stories of the ones he'd gotten before she came along. There were so many thoughts running through his mind, but none of them prepared him for what she did.

Y/n leaned upward placing a light kiss on the scar near his collarbone. He'd taken a hit from an explosion, just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. A bit of metal shrapnel sliced through the edge of his kevlar vest. She remembered the bellowing howl Toll made as he was hit. The sound that echoed in her nightmares, the sound of Toll in agony. Scrambling to take cover and how easy the color had drained from his face. He couldn't lift his arm to fire back, the pain was excruciating.

She remembered hightailing it through the spray of gunfire racing to his side. The rage and panicked anger roaring over him. The way he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. Grunting in pain as she lay cover fire for him to get to safety. Y/n remembered the flight home and the discomfort he was in. The groans and the slamming of his fists on the metal seats as Christmas and Ceasar worked to pull it out and stitch the wound closed.

Y/n wanted to comfort him, to do something, but he wouldn't let her. Toll was still keeping his distance at that point in their history. Keeping her at arm's length and somewhat unsure of her. New recruits hardly ever stayed long and Toll never saw the point in getting to know them. It was the way he was, distant and wary of people.

Her lips soft and warm pressed against that scar. Toll let his eyes close relishing in this forbidden moment. Part of him didn't believe it was real, he had to have been dreaming. Feeling her lips as they swept from one scar to another across his chest. Velvety soft warm lips moving over his skin. Her hands unsteadily crawling up his back. Letting out an uneven gasp, Toll opened his eyes meeting hers.

It was like time stilled, their movements in slow motion. Resting his palm on her cheek, Toll's thumb sweeping across it and over her lips. Feeling and seeing the hitch in her breath. The darkness, her pupils wide and covering the color in her eyes. Leaning down, letting himself get lost in the possibility before him.

Brushing the tip of his nose to hers in an innocent Eskimo Kiss, their eyes locked on to each other. Glimpses of hesitation, but not a hint of refusal. Toll's lips met hers while his scruffy stubble scratched her skin. He was slow and nervous as he kissed like Y/n was as delicate as glass. Minding the bullet wound on her side, he tried to keep his weight off her but the longer they kissed the more he let his body ease onto hers.

Y/n's legs bent, knees digging into his sides like she was attempting to keep him in place. Her cheeks were flushed, ears like they'd been dipped in shiny red candy coating. Their breath heavy, her tongue sliding over her bottom lip. Toll delving in again. The kiss was hot and sloppy, tongues and teeth knocking against each other. Desperation taking hold of both of them.

Toll slid his hand down her side, palm gliding under her shirt and over bare skin. His impulses were his guide and they were chaotic and messy. A questioning yet playful grin dancing across his face as he broke the kiss. Watching her eyes roll closed, feeling her hips grinding into him. How long he'd fantasized about that moment. The struggle to free her of her t-shirt, throwing it with force across the room. Daring it to try and cover her body again. Toll's lips landed on her neck making her gasp a little moan.

Lips ghosting down to the nape of her neck. Caution thrown out the window as he nibbled at the sensitive spot. The fleshy little bit that showed her heartbeat. Thumping, racing, bouncing around like mad. Smirking to himself before he nipped, sucking a tiny red mark to life. Trailing the tip of his tongue up her neck and over her lips. Feverishly kissing her again.

"Toll," Y/n groaned raspy, squeezing her knees tightly into his waist.

His hips rutting against hers, only a layer of clothing keeping him from burying himself deep inside her. Feeling her squirm beneath him in search of that friction. Feeling her hips snapping up into his, rolling and swirling. Her nails raking down his back, tugging on his shoulders, pulling him closer. Kissing him like she needed it to breathe. Feeling his tongue curling and dancing over hers. Claiming that spot like it was his Everest.

Hopelessly caught up in a moment, too wrapped up to hear the front door. Groaning and moaning as both of them ground against each other. Smiling into their kisses, feeling like teenagers whose parents were out of town for the weekend. Childishly and hormonally caught in a moment of dry humping and not caring at all. 

Their phones left in the living room ringing repeatedly and ignored. Heated friction aided by fabric, but Y/n felt him. Thick and hard as the day was long as it moved against her. Toll let out a deep reverberating gutteral growl as her fingers dug into his shoulder blades. Trying in vain to pull him closer. Whimpering and squirming beneath his hulking frame. A massive palm, tipped with long hardened fingers cupped her breast. Rolling and kneading, pinching her nipple between his fingers.

"Hey, guys, where you at?" Ceasar's voice rang out from the hallway just barely stepping foot outside Y/n's bedroom doorway. "Holy shit!" He turned around covering his eyes.

The sounds of Y/n and Toll scrambling to get off the bed. Cracking and creaking of the wooden frame. Crunching and snapping as the legs broke. Shards of wood splintering from the supports beneath the mattress skittering over the floor. Finally, the bed itself, mattress, Toll, and Y/n tumbled to the floor in a broken heap.

The force of the sudden fall and Toll being on top of Y/n didn't help any. His head snapped back and rushed forward smashing into her face. Y/n hissed in agony as blood spurted from her nose. Rolling out from under Toll and sprinting towards the bathroom, she slammed the door shut. Cursing and running water heard loudly behind the closed door.

Toll's body crumbled into the mattress. Frustratedly groaning as he smacked his head repeatedly against its softness. The Universe was sending him another sign it just wasn't supposed to be. An agonizing sigh slipped through his lips and muffled into the sheets.

"Well, that was... yeah," Ceasar bit back a laugh from the hallway.

"Shut up asshole," was all Toll spoke as he left her room stomping down the hall and into his.


	10. Chapter 10

***Some spoilers included from The Expendables 2 so beware.***

"So that's the gist of it. Barrel in doin' what you all do, grab the billionaire, and get out. The new guy should be here any minute now." Tool spoke, swirling his toothpick around with his tongue.

There was something off and it was to the point that almost everyone could taste the edginess in the air. The tension seemed to emanate from both Toll and Y/n. Neither able to look at the other without awkwardness and swiftly glancing away. Y/n had been sitting off to the side atop a workbench inside the garage behind Tool's shop playing with a socket wrench. Twirling it in her hands, the sound of the socket ratcheted around in circles filling the silence. She'd hadn't even noticed Tool had stopped talking.

All eyes slowly turning her way as the men watched her absentmindedly kicked her feet. She kept gnawing at the inside of her mouth. Her teeth biting at her cheek nervously. The blatantly obvious broken nose that was puffed up and bruised. Splattered in shades of black, purple, and blue. Her eyes occasionally going wide as she thought back to the incident earlier that morning. Waves of heat blossomed over her skin. Creeping up her neck, over her cheeks, and filling her ears.

The heat of it was so hot. Combined with the summer weather outside, she'd started sweating. Tiny beads of sweat clinging to her hairline, droplets slowly trickling down her neck. She hadn't said a word, not even a peep since she and Toll rolled up for the intel meeting. Y/n was so lost in her little world she didn't realize she had an audience.

All of the men had seen how distant Toll and Y/n were with each other at that moment. Over the last few months, they'd grown accustomed to seeing them side by side and close, almost attached at the hip. Now they were on opposite sides of the room. Toll's head kept shifting towards her. Kept taking shy glances Y/n's way and quickly looking back at the floor.

Spinning the wrench in her hand staring off into space. Her mind focused on that morning. Toll between her legs, his lips trailing over her. Grinding against each other like teenagers in heat. The kissing, Christ that man could kiss. Just thinking about it sent a shiver down her spine and she lost her grip on the wrench.

Clattering to the floor, its echoes thundering in the silence of the garage. Y/n felt like the walls were closing in on her. Suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe. Gasping for air, her fingers lightly touched her swollen nose making her wince. 'Complicated', she had told Caesar. Told him that whatever this was with Toll was complicated, but he didn't believe her.

Hopping off the workbench finally seeing all eyes on her. The once snarky little ball of fire was diminished to a meek nervous wreck. Struggling to catch her breath, her chest heaving. Y/n's eyes falling on Toll's. Her heart pounding and racing, afraid it was going to burst out of her chest in his presence.

"I uh... I'm gonna get some air," she spoke without staring at a soul. Her voice was no higher than a whisper as she fled through the garage into the Tattoo shop and out the front door into the afternoon sun.

"Are we not going to talk about tension in the air or the fact that Y/n is sporting a broken nose?" Lee, ever the one to state the obvious. All eyes drift towards Toll making him defensive.

"I was more curious about that hickey on her neck," Gunner grunted annoyed. "Looks fresh."

Ceasar started talking about what he saw, grabbing the attention of all but Toll who was quickly confrontational with his best friend. He was a little too quick to jump in Ceasar's face. Too quick to shove a finger in his chest telling him to 'shut up'. Toll felt like he was going to do something stupid. If he stayed any longer, his anger might get the better of him.

"I'm gonna go check on Y/n," he muttered ignoring the unsurprised expressions from his friends in arms.

Stepping through the garage and into the front shop, Toll could hear her voice through the open door of the tattoo parlor. Y/n must have left it open behind her. The sound of her laughter made him feel guilty. He'd gone too far that morning. Pushed beyond that grey line that was forever between them. Walking out the door ready to apologize, ready to accept that she'd probably leave after what happened. He was ready for the ramifications of what he'd started but what he saw made his heart drop.

Y/n was smiling, her palm resting on the shoulder of the young man. A strapping young man, tall, features like a Roman God. They were deep in conversation, their laughter grated on Toll's nerves. Just the way that 'kid' looked at her made him want to smash his face into the curb. Toll had all but lost his temper seeing the punk pulling her into a hug. A lingering embrace that she gladly returned. Toll was left gutted at the sight of it, he knew he was going to do something to blow it and his actions that morning just proved it.

"Billy, you made it," Tool's voice caused Y/n and the kid to break apart. Heading back inside Tool's shop.

"Yes sir," the youngster answered with a grin nudging Y/n in the shoulder. She rolled her eyes pushing him back with a smirk ignoring the rest of the men and their stares.

"Do you two know each other?" Barney questioned lighting up a cigar as he glanced back and forth between Y/n, Billy, and a silently fuming Toll.

"Yeah, small fucking world," Y/n chuckled peering up at Billy. "You're looking at Billy the Kid, one of the best snipers I've ever had the privilege to meet."

"Believe it or not," Billy's eyes darting toward Y/n with a toothy awestruck gaze. "She risked a court marshall to save my ass in Afganistan."

"Oh come off it," Y/n rolled her eyes holding back an embarrassed smile, but the Kid turned towards her wearing a shocked grimace.

"You stole an Apache gunship chopper from the base and flew it out with half your squad!" He stared incredulously down at her. "Everyone could hear the Captain reaming your ass a new one throughout the base that night."

"What can I say," Y/n shrugged her shoulders like it wasn't that big of a deal. "I've always had poor impulse control and a distaste for shitty leadership."

"Y/n," Billy shook his head and sighed. "You punched the Commander and spent a few days in the Brig."

"Yeah well," she sighed heading towards Tool's fridge grabbing a beer. "He deserved it for what he did and I'd do it again."

**********

Y/n didn't say much that night once Toll and she arrived home from the bar. She'd been unusually quiet except when she was talking with Billy, a fact that didn't escape Toll. He could taste the tension in the air, that sour bitter taste that usually comes with rejection and disappointment. Y/n could hardly meet his gaze before she mumbled a soft 'good night' and left him in one of the worst bouts of self-hatred he'd had in years.

He wanted to call after her, plead for her to listen, let him explain. Wanted to tell her how sorry he was, that none of that should have happened, but the words just wouldn't form. His t-shirt felt like it was choking him, cutting off his air supply. The last sound he heard was her closing and what sounded like a muffled cry.

Toll paused outside her door, his hand raised to knock, but he just couldn't find the will power. She was better off without him. Y/n deserved better than a pussy of a man who couldn't even knock on her door. The demons in his head were winning, and they were right. She'd never be interested in a mess like him. What happened that morning wasn't anything but an over-emotional response. It was just a heat of the moment thing, at least that's what he kept trying to tell himself as he shuffled down the hall slamming his bedroom door behind him.

~~~~~~

Old Point Bar after the latest job rescuing a Chinese Billionaire and an all too grateful Trench. The mission had gone surprisingly well considering a handful of shake-ups. Y/n having chosen to ride into the fight with Gunner and Yang instead of Toll and Ceasar. Even Barney had been about to argue over it, but Y/n wasn't backing down.

Billy and Y/n had been talking in a corner booth away from the others. They sat close together and wore the same tired expressions as they talked. How tight the two of them had been hadn't escaped the rest of the group. They all watched from their table as Y/n and Billy spoke. The way they smiled at each other. Had any of them been close enough to listen it would have made sense, instead, each of them was coming to their own conclusion.

Billy nodded knowing Y/n was right. He had a woman waiting for him and he needed to be with her instead of being here. He needed a normal humdrum life with normal things that didn't involve bloodshed and death. This mercenary life just wasn't for him. Billy didn't have the predisposition for it and all he had to do now was talk to Barney.

As they were leaving the booth to sit back with the others, they heard a song playing on the jukebox. It was one that held some memories from years ago. A cheeky grin curled over his mouth, caught in the memory of it just like Y/n.

"Come on cowboy," reaching out her hand for his. "For old times sake."

Billy and Y/n were country line dancing around the tiny wooden dance floor. Two-stepping and laughing while the others looked on baffled. Billy was spinning and twirling her making her laugh. A slightly tipsy, rare laugh they'd only ever heard one other time since they'd known her, the night she talked about wearing a Navy SEAL. The night she danced with Toll after he scared off some asshole that laid his hands on her.

"Didn't know she could do that?" Lacy giggled glancing at an annoyed Toll.

"She's full of surprises," Toll spat out gruffly.

Spinning round in circles, faster and faster. Billy and Y/n grinning like idiots. Dancing and laughing, ignoring the rest of the bar lost in a moment of time. Toll could see the way Billy was eyeing her, watching the placement of his hands on her waist and hating it. Part of him wanted to get up from his seat and just leave, get the hell out of the bar and not look back. As the song ended Billy sat back in his seat with the rest of the men, a little winded but smiling. Y/n excused herself and headed toward the bathroom.

"So ..." Billy about to question the looks he was receiving. His beer bottle barely touching his lips in an attempt to take a sip.

"Just what the hell was that?" Toll sat up in his chair, fist landing roughly on the tabletop.

"Kind of an inside joke." Billy chuckled glancing towards the bathroom doors.

"Do tell," Barney drawled puffing on his cigar hoping to avoid a confrontation between the two men. Billy nodded his head and licked his lips grinning.

"Alright so a couple of days after she'd stolen the Apache and came to the rescue, she was sitting in the Brig for punching the Base Commander. Y/n was locked up for insubordination for almost four days by then. The entire base comes to a standstill as this private jet lands on the airstrip. Control tower was having a field day bout it, apparently some high-security clearance. The door opens and out walks a suit. Tall, old, this suit was just reeking of authority. Nose up in the air, shielding his eyes from the glare of the desert sun.

"So anyway, this suit waltzes into the Command Center and all hell breaks loose. Soldiers on duty were high-tailing it outta that building like it was on fire. We could hear this deep booming voice bellowing out Y/n's name. The suit was just raging mad demanding to know where she was and it only got worse when he found out she was sitting in a cell.

"A few of us snuck up near the building listening in, peeking in the window seeing the Commander with the black eye Y/n had given him. He was nearly pissin' his pants standing in front of the suit as he was demanding to know why. What could Y/n possibly have done to wind up in a cell and I tell you the Commander shit his pants right then. He studders out about stealing the chopper and risking half her squad to save me and my unit.

"That suit flashed the proudest damn smile as he leaned down on the Commander's desk and told him point-blank that if she wasn't let out he'd rain down hell on his sorry ass. He mentioned something about Singapore and the Commander turned white as a ghost. He slumped down in his chair and made the call.

"Next thing we know Y/n comes barreling out of the Brig and stomping out to the airfield. Screaming and hollering, her arms waving up in the air getting up in the face of the suit. All he did was smile down at her. Didn't say a word just smiled and took off in that plane leaving her fuming."

"That's a great story and all but it doesn't explain the dance and the song." Toll grumbled glaring down at Billy. Cesar sighing beside him.

"Oh yeah, that night it was like Y/n was itching to get into more trouble. She hijacked the loudspeakers around the camp playing music. Didn't take long before it turned into some wild rager out in the middle of the fucking desert. No one was dancing, they were all afraid of what Command would do. Out comes Y/n looking like hell on wheels with a shit-eating grin, Command hot on her heels but they didn't say shit. She saw me and made me dance with her before pushing me towards a nurse. That song was playin', didn't take long before the whole base was dancing blowing off steam while the higher-ups looked on without a word."

"Who was the guy with the jet?" Barney's curiosity working overdrive. When Bonaparte had brought her to his attention a couple of years beforehand he hadn't mentioned much about her personal life and if it included some suit with a security clearance like that, he wanted to know.

"Don't know," Billy shook his head with a soft smile. "I asked but she never told me. A couple of days later she was pulled off base on some top-secret mission. Rumor had it, it was some high-level Black Ops shit, but she was the only one that went. Her team was left without a leader and in shock at her absence. That was the last I ever saw of her until a couple of weeks ago."

The tables were in silence taking in the story Billy had told as Y/n slipped back into her seat. It was like a synchronized dance as all their eyes fell upon her making her feel uneasy. Staring back at her were her friends with a mixture of awe and sheer confusion.

"What?" Scrunching her face in worry.

Every single one of them that sat at the table, Lacy included raised their drinks in the air grinning at Y/n as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"To Y/n," they cheered clinking glasses.

"Um, okay," she chuckled joining in, tossing back a shot Gunner pushed her way. "Thanks, I guess." Even Toll managed to flash a smirk. "You telling stories again?" She shoved Billy's shoulder as grinned widely.

"Only tellin' truths," he laughed catching the way Toll was staring at her.


	11. Chapter 11

** *** Warning contains some spoilers for The Expendables 2 though I've taken my own creative licensing with it. *** **

"You ever think to consult me about this kind of shit?" Christmas grumbled at Barney motioning towards Maggie Chan, Church's addition to their job. The 'expert' for the recovery of whatever Church was clamoring after.

"I had no choice, now fuckin' drop it." Barney's drawling tone fading into the forest around them.

Y/n and Billy had been walking side by side in quiet conversation. Both of them occasionally glancing Toll's way before going back into a hushed discussion. Barney and the rest could sense the tension building, it had been since the day Billy joined the team. It'd only been getting progressively worse since they had landed the plane and went traipsing through the mountain forests.

The two of them laughing and smiling the whole flight. Cracking inside jokes and rambling off incoherently about things that happened on that base in Afganistan in a spoken code none of the others understood. The downside of when new school meets old-school. The way Y/n spoke though. The things she described when she talked clearly with Billy and Maggie. What she'd seen and gone through, had given the rest of them a secret glimpse of her life before. Things that made her into who she was now.

Toll was in his head again, he hardly heard a word they said. The only thing he could focus on was how close they had been sitting on the plane and the way Billy smiled at her. Y/n had hardly acknowledged Toll since Billy came into the picture, at least that's what his demons made him believe. Y/n hadn't allowed Toll to talk about what happened between them and it was killing him.

Y/n was afraid to let him speak about it fearing he was about to tell her it had been a mistake and she didn't want to hear that. She loved him too much to hear him tell her it wasn't supposed to happen, so she chose to be silent and not allow him to break her heart. Slowly building her walls back up to guard what she couldn't stand to feel breaking all over again.

Toll didn't get the chance to apologize and felt like he was being ghosted in front of his very eyes. For weeks they'd been distant and he hated it. It felt as if they were just going through the motions of existing and nothing more. The forced small talk and heavy silence when they were home. Both of them choose to hide in their rooms instead of 'manning up' and laying it all on the line.

If he'd been walking a little closer to them maybe he would have heard Y/n's and Billy's conversation. Toll might have heard Billy talk of his girl back in France, the one Y/n had nudged his way after the rescue in Afganistan. She was a nurse that all the boys seemed to form a crush on, but none of them worth her time until Billy.

Billy spoke of their plans, the life he wanted her to have. The little apartment she'd bought and all the things they couldn't wait to do together. All the places they wanted to travel, and what kind of life he hoped to give her. Maybe if Toll wasn't being stubborn he would have heard Y/n tell Billy of him and how head over heels in love she was with him. Or how hopelessly lost she felt trying to find a way to get him to see her that way. How scared she was that Toll would never believe she really loved him. Or how even as awkward as that one morning had been, how she wished it would have gone further.

Toll might have heard Y/n speaking of that fateful morning and what could have been. He might have heard her spilling her guts out to Billy about the painful struggle of being in love with a man who could never believe it because of the monsters that lived inside his head. Toll might have heard her sniffle back a little cry over how much it hurt her not having the confidence to tell him the truth. That she loved him so much it hurt, but she didn't want to put him on the spot, to make him run, to make him shut down.

Y/n like Toll was very much stuck in her mind believing that all that had transpired so far was nothing more than in her head. It just little happened stances, little moments that couldn't have been anything other than pity, perhaps too much alcohol involved. She honestly thought she was a fuck up, that she was a hot mess struggling to keep up a strong exterior. Stuck in her mind that someone like Toll could never love a freak like her.

"Billy the Kid, it's your lucky day. You get to take point," Barney spoke trying to hide the gasp of breath as their group trekked up the forested hill weighed down with weapons and gear.

"My pleasure, sir." Billy grinned happily at Barney. Stopping beside Y/n he grinned down at her knowing she needed a distraction. "Race for old times sake?"

"You're on!" Y/n smirked as both took off sprinting up the hillside by side.

Their heavy packs swinging on their backs as they ran, rifles held tight to their chests. Jumping over brush on the ground and side-stepping low hanging branches as they ran. Barney had stopped movement altogether leaning against a tree watching the sight before him. The others took his lead and stared bewildered and impressed watching as Y/n took the lead on Billy as they disappeared over the top of the hill.

"Impressive," Gunner grumbled.

"Your girl's gotta stamina," Caesar chuckled shoving Toll's shoulder.

Billy and Y/n scouted ahead and waited until Barney and the rest made it to the top of the hill. Filling them in that the rest of the plane was at the bottom of the hill, though they weren't sure what they were looking for was in that heap of metal. The group spread out wandering through the wreckage. Y/n had her rifle raised scanning the treelines slowly turning in circles as she walked.

She was in her element in times like this. Hyper-vigilant, always trying to be aware of her surroundings, but something didn't sit right with her. She had a bad taste in her mouth like something was about to go south and Toll could see that look in her eyes. That wild, chomping at the bit look just like the one she had all those years ago in that tiny village when the shit hit the fan.

Barney had sent Y/n and Billy off to the other side of the valley to get a vantage point up the hill. Both sets of eyes watching down on them was better than one he figured. Y/n nodded towards Barney and took a last glimpse at Toll. Stepping towards him, putting her hand on his shoulder, she gave him a soft smile and a quick peck on the cheek.

Like a little assurance, he'd be alright because she was watching out for them. Toll swallowed the lump in his throat watching her jog away with Billy. Missing another chance to say he was sorry before she disappeared. He didn't like it, everything felt off.

Heading back towards their plane, all of them ready to meet up with Y/n and Billy and get the hell out of there. Barney just wanted to get the package back to Church and get him off their asses. He didn't want any part of the Agency or their wrath if shit didn't go to plan.

"Aren't you curious about what's inside the case?" Lee asked Barney.

"No, I just wanna get Church off our back," Barney grumbled. The sooner they got home, the better. "Y/n! Billy the Kid!" Barney bellowed out into the foggy valley, only to be met with an eerie silence. "Where the hell are they? Billy! Y/n!"

They all saw movement through the fog, shadowy figures. Tensions ramped up high and weapons were raised, safeties clicked off and fingers hovering over triggers. Stopping in their tracks, Barney and the others could see darkened figures with weapons pointed back at them. A lone figure in the center raised his arms into the air like he was waving a white flag of truce.

"Drop your weapons!" Thundered a deep accented voice that cut through the murky fog.

"No way!" Griped an angry on edge Toll.

"It ain't happening," chimed in Gunner, the head of the man with raised arms caught in the crosshairs of the sight of his gun.

"No?" Questioned the man in a deep raspy French accent. "Are you sure?"

Pushing through the fog four men walked roughly carrying a beaten-up Y/n between two men and the other two carried Billy. Stripped of their weapons and gear. Evidence of a heavily one-sided fight displayed all over Y/n and Billy. Billy gritted his teeth, spitting blood. The red oozy liquid dripped from the corner of his mouth and a cut above his left eye. He stumbled as they shoved him forward.

Y/n was seething, squirming like a wildcat. Her arms bound behind her back. Her nose looked worse for wear like it'd been broken again. Blood gushing from her nostrils and flooded down her lips. A black eye that was beginning to swell shut. Caesar had to hold Toll back, keep him from doing something stupid.

Barney clenched his jaw and cursed himself seeing the blood pooling through her pant leg, but she wasn't about to give up. Pulling her head back, she bashed her forehead into the nose of one of the men holding onto her. Growling like a caged animal willing to fight until her dying breath. Toll was seething, a low guttural snarl rumbling through him.

"I'm sorry, sir. They were waitin'," Billy was trying his damnedest not to show his captors any fear.

"Cowardly bastards!" Y/n screeched tugging against her restraints. "I bet your mom wishes she would have swallowed instead of letting your punk bitch daddy finish inside!"

"Drop your weapons now," Frenchie requested again glaring at an unafraid Y/n.

"Don't do it!" Billy pleaded with a level tone.

The Frenchmen pulled out a pistol aiming it straight at Barney. A smug smirk clinging to the edges of his mouth. He was already bored with the situation and wanted his way, but he'd be content even if things got a little messy.

"He's a strong soldier and she ... well she's a rebellious one. I can see why you have her around, she looks fun, but let's see how strong they really are." Glancing back at one of his men, nodding his head. "Do it."

A tall black-haired man that looked to be the second in command pulled out a knife from beneath his leather coat. Flipping the blade sinisterly in his palm. He raised his arm, blade in hand holding it over Y/n's chest. The tip poking into her skin just below her collarbone. She was growling and snarling, pulling against the men that held onto her. The knife gliding over her shirt cutting a hole in the fabric.

"NO!" Barney yelled knowing what was about to happen.

"Do it fucker!" She roared spitting blood on the face of the black-haired soldier. Y/n trying to keep his attention on her instead of Billy. She was ready to take the brunt of it all, to put herself through that pain instead of Billy. "Pussy bitch!"

The black-haired man bit back a menacing laugh bringing the knife to her face. The sharpened blade slicing up her cheek, but she refused to scream. Refused to give him any satisfaction. Clenching her jaw, the muscles flexing and screaming silently as he cut. Y/n stared him down if only looks could kill.

Toll was losing his mind behind Barney. Caesar for as big as he was was having a harder time controlling him holding an arm across his chest. Barney was seething watching the black-haired dirtbag shift his attentions towards Billy. The same knife raised over his chest. Digging into his skin, slicing through his shirt, and ripping a long gash that went across his sternum. Billy was grunting and hissing in pain.

Billy's head dipped forward in agony. Clenching his jaw, spit dripping, mingling with the blood in his mouth. He was angry, flooded with adrenaline and rage. Catching sight of Y/n next to him and how her good eye kept darting towards Toll. Billy couldn't help but think about his girl, and all the things he was going to miss out on. He didn't see a way out of this, not one that left them all alive.

"Don't do nothin' he says!" Billy growled towards his friends across the field.

The black-haired beast wasn't having any of that resistance. His leg pulled back in a flash, swiftly kicking Billy in the stomach with a force that packed a wallop. Doubling over, heaving, gasping for breath Billy fell to his knees.

The men that had restrained Billy had stepped back letting the black-haired tyrant hover over him. His fists gripping onto Billy's shirt as he leaned in close. It was a show of dominance and control. A way to egg on Barney and the others hoping they would act on impulse and the real fun could begin.

"Don't talk," he grunted in Billy's ear.

"You should not speak," Frenchie pointed towards Billy, though he was eyeballing Y/n behind his sunglasses.

"I'm gonna kill him," Barney hissed towards Christmas from across the field.

"Not if I get to him first," Toll growled. His demons were hissing, crawling around inside his head, scrapping, clawing to get out. His knuckles crunched and cracked as his fists clenched his rifle.

"When I fire, his head will be gone," Frenchie spoke nonchalantly waving his pistol at Billy. "Three seconds."

"Don't give up your weapons," Billy grunted staring towards his comrades trying not to show any fear. "You don't owe me anything!"

The pistol dug into his skull. Pressing harder, nudging his head to the side.

"One," Frenchie started counting.

Barney and the others still had their weapons raised, men across the field in sight ready to meet their maker. Maggie stood off to the side in the back watching it all go down. Seeing the young man she'd spoken to on the flight over on his knees. Bloodied and broken. Gulping a breath of air, she almost hesitated to remember he quietly spoke of a woman.

"Two." Frenchie glared behind his sunglasses trying not to smile.

"Don't do this! They'll kill everyone!" Billy implored staring directly into Barney's eyes.

"He's gonna kill 'em," Lee whispered, his eyes not leaving his target as he spoke at Barney's side.

"Three," Frenchie sighed. His gloved finger over the trigger slowly pulling back.

"NO!" Y/n screamed. It was bloodcurdling, the sound driving some to cover their ears. "Kill me fucker! Come on," she antagonized. "Come on! It takes a real man to kill a woman you arrogant, smug, limp-dicked, cheese-eating surrender monkey! What's the matter? Still suffering an ego complex after your people bowed down to Hilter?!"

Barney could see the leader flinch. Craning his head towards Y/n, the gun he held aim straight over her heart. Pressing the muzzle into her flesh as he scowled, but Y/n laughed. It was a sick, demented, tormented sort of laugh. The kind that convicts get as they're getting strapped into the electric chair seeing their imminent death before their eyes.

"Oh did the little woman strike a nerve?" She spat a mouthful of blood all over his coat. Sneering, bearing her blood-stained teeth his way. A look that even made Gunner's eyes widen in shock. "Bitch! You can't do anything without your little cronies! Typical cowardly Frenchman!"

It happened in a split second. One second Y/n was barely standing on her feet, held up by two armed men. Then next the leader had smashed the butt of his pistol into the side of her head. Toll was growling and spitting. His nostrils flaring as he pushed against Caesar's hold on him. Y/n went down to the ground like a sack of potatoes, crumbling on her side. Curling into herself wincing in agony, but still refusing to scream in pain.

Stars and floating lights swirling around her vision as she lay in the dirt. Coughing and inhaling dust and grass. The leader stood over Y/n, cocking his head from side to side. The growling rage rising and falling in his chest. His breath was ragged and wrathful. Clenching his jaw staring down at her, determined to make her suffer. He was about to stomp his foot into Y/n's temple when Barney yelled out.

"Drop 'em!"

Billy groaned in defeat leaning forward on his knees. Barney and the others slowly laid down their weapons. A cache of guns littering the ground around them. Toll never once took his eyes off Y/n. His teeth grinding so loudly they all could hear. A guttural growl, like a wild animal raging from his chest. The demons were so close to being in full control and seeing red.

"I'm impressed. Very good use of intelligence." The leader spoke as his men gathered up the weapons. "Everybody stays calm, we'll be done soon, and then we'll be on our way.

"Don't do it," Caesar whispered at Toll seeing him inching forward.

Men clad in black walking back across the meadow with all of their weapons in hand. A bowie knife being handed off to the second in command. Gunner grumbling seeing his knife in the hands of a peon, an insect. Their Expendable emblem etched into the handle that caught the eye of the leader in black shades.

"Bring me that knife," he motioned his gun towards his right-hand man.

Taking the blade from its sheath, turning it over in his leather-gloved hands.

"What's this symbol?" He asked with a smirk. "I like symbols." Pulling down the collar of his shirt showing off the tattoo on his neck towards Barney and the others. "This is the symbol of the goat. The pet of Satan, they say." Looking towards the sky. "You have a case that belongs to me," he stated turning his head towards Barney.

"Does it?" Barney scowled.

"Yes, like your lives." The leader pointed out a matter of factly.

"It was lost." Billy piped up looking towards Y/n. "He doesn't have it." Billy could see she was suffering.

"Last time," the leader sighed annoyed. "The case or you will force me," he spoke stalking towards Billy, Gunner's knife still in hand pointed over Billy's heart. "To cut his heart out."

"Do it, you piece of shit," Billy spat through clenched teeth much like Y/n had earlier.

The leader grinned eagerly, showing pearly white teeth at Barney. He was a little too happy for the incoming moment. He'd gladly slice into Billy and his impudent attitude.

"Wait!" Maggie called out stepping forward taking the device from her pack and holding it up in her hand for all to see.

The militant leader pulled his arm back from Billy's chest, taking the knife away from his heart. Lee held out an arm trying to hold Maggie back. Both Barney and Lee unprepared for her bold move.

"Let me have it," Lee held out his hand taking the little black box from Maggie's hands.

Christmas stepped slowly across the field, his gaze darting back and forth between Billy and Y/n. There was no hiding in the way he looked, which one of the two he favored over the other. The villainous leader smirking smugly knowing which buttons to push before he did so.

Everyone was eyeing Christmas stalking between the two groups, trying not to show emotion but his eyes betrayed him like always. They lingered too long in Y/n's direction and the second in command took notice. Lee dropped the box at his feet, turning to walk away. The black-haired right-hand man didn't take kindly to the object of their hunt being thrown at him like a piece of trash.

His eyes lowered down on the box as he scowled. Glancing back at Lee with disdain. Lee turned around and headed back towards Barney and the others, risking his back exposed to attack.

"Hey," barked the black-haired man causing Lee to turn around annoyed.

"You talkin' to me?" He grumbled, biting his tongue from saying anything else. Squinting his eyes gleaming with revenge.

"Pick it up," the second demanded glaring at Lee. "Hand it to me."

"Go get it yourself," Lee scoffed rage-filled agitation.

"What was that?" The Second in command questioned annoyed.

"You heard," Lee spat back glowering his gaze on the piece of dirt.

The dark-haired brute kicked the little black box in Lee's direction. Pebbles, dirt, and grass swept up in a tornado of air. Stepping towards Lee, pulling the knife he'd used on Y/n and Billy out from its holster, he let it rest on Lee's neck. Christmas closed his mouth staring the man down.

"Now pick it up," inching closer to his face. Baring his teething, poking the tip of the knife into Lee's ear. "Hand it to me nicely," he growled. "Or you'll get what he got," nodding towards Billy.

"Do it, Lee," Barney spoke calmly. It was their only hope in this situation.

Lee bent down picking up the box slipping it into the scowling man's hand. Turning towards Billy and Y/n with a look tinted in fear.

"You'll be all right, Billy," he spoke softly making Billy nod his head. Lee turned his eyes on Y/n. "Stay calm for the Tolls," Lee spoke cryptically, but Y/n knew what he meant. He didn't want to turn around and walk away from them, but he did.

"Respect is everything," the leader lamented still playing with Gunner's bowie knife. "Without respect, we're just people. Common, shitty people."

Billy couldn't believe they had given away the box, the item they'd come from in exchange for his life. Shaking his head, gritting his teeth trying to fathom why.

"I'm sorry sir," Billy spoke distressed.

"It's not your fault," Barney shook his head offering some bit of comfort before glaring at the leader. "Now what?"

"We're both fighting men. And I respect that. And fighting men, they don't deserve to be killed like sheep." Brandishing the knife, waving it around in the air, cutting a slice through it. "But," taking off his sunglasses in a dramatic flare. "Respect must be taught."

He stood with a smug triumphant smile. Pacing back and forth glaring Barney down.

"Lie down with your face on the ground until we leave."

Barney scowled staring between Y/n, Billy, and the leader and back around his own men surrounding him. He didn't want to do it, but if it was what saved Y/n and Billy, then he'd bite that bullet. Toll was snarling, sneering, baring his teeth at the Frenchman. Barney could see the fury burning in his gaze, the itch to race across that field and decimate all in his way just to get to Y/n. Barney trying to remain calm, choking down his anger.

"Get down," he spoke flatly, agitated.

Cesar was biting back from speaking, pissed off and furious. Rolling his eyes not wanting to give in. This was nothing more than a power play, a show of dominance and he wasn't used to being dominated like that. Toll was the last to lower to the ground. His knees hitting the dirt not taking his eyes off Y/n for one second.

The roar of an incoming chopper piercing through the air. It's blades forcing dust and debris flying in the air. The Frenchman's men gathering together heading towards the chopper.

"Up," he commanded, motioning for Billy and Y/n to be picked up off the ground and on their feet.

The leader stepped up to Billy still playing with Gunner's knife. Sunglasses covering his eyes, shielding him from the cloud of dirt flying around him. Barney risked lifting his head off the ground to watch across the field, maybe get a number off the chopper to trace. He saw the leader standing in front of a defiant Billy.

"Are you afraid of me?" The leader asked Billy trying not to gloat.

"No. I'm not." Billy sneered with a smirk in the face of his captor.

"You should be," the leader grinned tossing the knife to his second in command.

He held the knife over Billy's chest, tip aimed right at his heart. The leader clad in black took a step backward smirking. Faster than anyone could register, his leg was flying through the air. His boot connecting with the knife and kicking into Billy's chest.

Billy's face filled with anguish and fear. Pain flooded his body as it stumbled backward. The men who held him tightly, let him go. They watched him fall to the ground, coughing and choking. Y/n was screaming, bellowing out like a banshee. Struggling and fighting against the men that held her.

"BILLY!"

Writhing against her constraints, tugging and squirming against the ropes that bound her as the men scampered towards the chopper behind. The leader wasn't about to let her go. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, he leaned down and pulled the knife out of Billy's chest and tugged her along beside him. She was kicking and screaming, trying to make contact with anything to get loose, but it was no use.

Wiping Billy's blood on his sleeve, shoving Y/n towards his second in command. He picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder carrying her towards the chopper. Barney was yelling, Toll was screaming her name.

"TOLL." It was the last thing she managed to cry out before she was knocked unconscious and shoved inside the awaiting chopper. It was barely off the ground before Barney and Toll were sprinting across the field. Barney skidding to his knees beside Billy.

"I'm dying," Billy coughed, blood oozing out of his mouth.

"Don't talk Billy," Barney replied trying to lift him off the ground. "Cut his hands loose." Lee was at his side knife in hand slicing through the restraints.

"The letter," peering up at Barney in agony. Blood filling his lungs, he felt like he was drowning. "In my pocket," he implored.

"All right, kid. I got it," Barney fished a crumpled envelope from his cargo pocket. Scattered around them were the rest of their men looking on in misery. "I got it."

Billy was fading, everything he had in him was gone. His body had gone limp in Barney's arms. His eyes had gone glassy and cold. Blood still oozed and spilled out of the wound on his chest. There was no sputtering cough, no last-minute breath of air, Billy was just... gone.

Toll was chasing after the chopper as if he could catch it. Watching helplessly as it flew higher into the air, as it turned into nothing more than a black dot on the horizon. Growling and spitting, his chest heaving unable to catch his breath. Grabbing at his gear throwing it to the ground. Yelling and wailing into the air, screaming like a mad man.

Dropping to his knees, pounding his fists into the ground. Over and over slamming his knuckles so hard they bled. Her name repeating in an inhuman sound. Billy was dead and Y/n was gone. Toll was reliving a nightmare all over again seeing her taken from him without being able to do a thing about it.

Barney turned his fury on Maggie. Stomping towards her, not caring anymore about the threats from Church. She couldn't look him in the eye. So many secrets, so many lies, and for what?

"I'm so sorry," she spoke, her voice full of sorrow and regret, but Barney was on a warpath now.

"I believe you," he grumbled staring her down, swallowing back all that overbearing hatred climbing up his throat. "What was in that case?"

"A computer," Maggie whispered meeting his gaze. "Blueprint of a mine."

"A mine," he shook his head getting angrier by the second. All of this for a mine?! It wasn't that simple. "What mine?" He roared making her flinch.

"The Russians stored nearly 5 tons of weapons-grade plutonium." She closed her eyes not willing to see his ferocity anymore. "The mine was abandoned after the Cold War. No one knows it's there. The blueprint shows where the plutonium is stored. We wanted to stop it before it got in the wrong hands."

"I guess that didn't happen, did it?" Lee growled at her. "This kid died so some dirtbag can make bombs. Y/n was taken for what?! Another cover-up for Church?" He stomped away from the rest of the group and headed towards Toll.

"I'm so sorry," Maggie repeated.

"Not as sorry as I am," Barney growled before turning his back on her and walking away. "Let's take care of him." Ceaser and Gunner following behind Barney carrying Billy's body away.

"We'll get her back," Lee spoke taking a knee beside Toll.

For the first time in a long time, Lee was truly terrified. Huddled on the ground beside him staring blankly into the distance was Toll. They'd been through a lot of shit in their time, but this, what all of this had just done to that man was worse than anything. Lee had never seen the stoic behemoth beside him show much in the emotion department until Y/n came alone.

Now he was staring entranced on a spot over the mountains with silent tears streaming down his face. There was nothing but fire and brimstone in his eyes. Nothing but wrath and destruction, pain, and anguish. Toll was shaking, uncontrollable jerking movements jolted through his body.

"I can't...," Toll whispered dropping his sight to bloody knuckles. "I can't lose her Lee."

"We'll get her back," Lee nodded helping Toll up off the ground. "And they'll pay for everything they've done."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *** Warning! Contains some spoilers from The Expendables 2. I've taken the liberty with some of it but still if you haven't seen the movies then understand that some events include spoilers and events that happened in the movie. ***

Flying high in the skies, watching in the wings as Barney as his team went after Vilain. Church felt ... well he almost felt some semblance of emotion. Guilt, anger, regret? No, whatever it was it wasn't a familiar enough feeling, not enough at least to get his hands dirty. No, Church liked others to do the dirty work for him, even it was his own mess they were cleaning up. Ignoring the glances of his staff aboard the surveillance plane, staring at the Satellite phone in his hand.

Barney Ross had made the mistake of hanging up on him. A wet work merch with the nerve to spit in the face of the Agency, oh he couldn't wait to make that man pay. Who cares if he lost a man or had another taken hostage? That wasn't his problem or it wasn't until the phone call.

"Where is my daughter?" The calm yet irate voice on the other end, his tone rising with each word laced with fury and poison.

"Your daughter? Why would I know where your daughter is?"

"Tell me something 'Church' are you really this fantastic at playing stupid or did you only get ahead in life by fucking the right people?"

"Excuse me, sir?" Daughter, what in the hell was he talking about? He didn't know his daughter was anywhere near current operations.

"As of this morning she was aboard an HU-16 Albatross with her team, but it seems now she's not, so tell me. Where is my daughter?" Realization hitting Church hard, he was beyond fucked.

"Oh shit!"

"Oh, shit is right you little bottom feeding shit bag. Where the hell is Y/n?"

"I had no idea."

"I don't want your fucking excuses now where is she?"

"Vi-Vilain captured her. Barney and his team are in pursuit."

"You better pray they find her alive or I'll drop your ass in a hole so dark no one will ever find the fucking pieces or remember who the fuck you were!"

"Yes sir," he replied. There wasn't a man or woman on the planet that Church feared more than the one on the other end of that line.

Threats, so many threats made towards Church. The promise that he'd never see the light of day again if she wasn't recovered alive. Now Church was willing to get his hands dirty if only to save his ass. He started calling in people to cash in on favors to clear their records in exchange for assistance.

~~~~

Vilain and all his non-existent mercy had let his second in Command Hector deal with the wildcat woman they'd taken. He could hear her foul mouth yelling obscenities at Hector. Heard the echoes of the beating he was giving her. The sound of his palm slapping across her face, but still, she didn't scream. Instead, she rattled off every insult she could.

"Limp dicked prick!" Y/n spat what seemed like an endless mouthful of blood at Hector. "That all you got?"

SMACK!

"My dead Grandma could hit harder than that you pussy bitch!"

Hector backhanded her with such a force it knocked the chair she was tied in on to the ground. Ancient dust sucked in her lungs with each breath she took. He was enjoying himself doling out pain. Seeing the bruises forming and the blood trickling down her flesh, but she was losing her strength.

Days had gone by with the same treatment by Hector. Stuck inside that mine with no sense of time. Little by little her exhaustion was winning out and Hector could see it. See the life and the fight slowly fading away from her and this little game of his was no longer any fun.

Rumbling and quaking shook the mountain, made the mine tremble as Barney did the unthinkable crashing his precious plane into the mouth of the mine. Vilain's soldiers scrambling to get out. Vehicles packed with Plutonium rushing to get free. Smoke and confusion, gunfire ringing out, echoing throughout the mine as they made their way through. Bodies of soldiers littering the ground where ever Barney and the others went.

Y/n was left to die with the rest of the workers in the mine. Slipping in and out of consciousness, Y/n could hear gunfire. Maybe she was dreaming, between exhaustion and thirst, her mind kept playing tricks on her. Seeing Toll standing in front of her with a goofy smile masking worry. Hearing his deep throaty laughter and smelling that damned cologne. She definitely had to be dreaming.

"Come on sweetheart," Toll sprinted towards her, kneeling beside her limp body.

She was covered in dust and dirt, blood, sweat, and grime. Her hair was wet and matted on her face, crunchy strands hung lifeless soaked in dried blood. Her breathing was slowed and labored, he knew she'd put up one hell of a fight to look as she did. Filled with a mixture of pride and guilt staring down at her trying to shake her awake.

He'd take away all of her injuries and suffer them alone if she'd just wake up. Lifting her in his arms, feeling the explosions rocketing through the mines. Rocks and debris raining down around them as they ran. His team and the workers racing to get out before the whole thing came crumbling down, but they weren't so lucky.

Trapped like rats, their only way out closed off. It didn't seem fair to him, for Toll to come this far and for it all to end this way. No backup, no one knew where they were. There wasn't anyone coming to the rescue.

Y/n beaten and bloody, unconscious in his arms, the others sat on the ground near him trying to think of a way out. He could see the hope drain from all the kidnapped workers huddled around him. It wasn't fair, none of this bullshit was fair and he felt like it was just another way the Universe was telling him he was never meant to be with her.

Toll hugged her close, her body lay across his lap. His arms wrapped tight around her shoulders, her head tucked under his chin. He kept whispering in her ear, pleading for her to wake up. Rocking the two of them slowly back and forth. A stoic hunk of muscle and the woman of his dreams in a strange little moment of heartache.

"Y/n," he whispered choking back a strained groan of misery, trying not to be loud enough to be heard by others. "Please sweetheart, open your eyes."

Lee and Caesar looked on with the same expression, the same pained looked of sympathy. She was one of them, and yet at that moment she couldn't have been any more different than them with that damned heart of hers she'd always tried to hide. She'd chosen to become a target of Vilain's anger trying to save Billy from it. She pushed and poked the bear to keep Vilain and his men from attacking anyone else. That was just Y/n though, trying to take on the pain of the world so others didn't have to suffer.

Barney and Gunner could see her faint breath and the way it moved Toll's shirt. How it created little ripples in the fabric as it moved. Toll tried to keep her warm, draping his coat around her, but still, she shivered. All he could think of was the hundred or so times he had the chance to tell her and he didn't. All those perfectly imperfect moments to say 'I love you' never happened.

The demons inside his head had stopped making any noise the second he'd found her body amongst the workers. They hadn't spewed their self-hatred or doubt, they sat quite up in his head, not making the slightest peep. Toll kept waiting for them to fill him with all the ways they were right, that he was never good enough for her, but they never came.

"This isn't right," Toll muttered to himself.

"Going out this chickenshit way," Caesar replied with more than one meaning to his words aimed at Toll.

"Something like that," Toll answered wiping caked blood away from Y/n's face.

Toll wanted to be home with Y/n. Wanted to be curled up on that damned sofa of his with her head in his lap. He wanted to hear the stupid cheesy jokes between them and eat dinner out in the backyard under the stars. He wanted to hear her singing in the shower and see her dancing in the kitchen in the mornings. He wanted to feel her soft lips pressed up against his again, hear her moaning out his name instead of being trapped miles underground in a forgotten mine.

"Hey, it ain't over yet, kids." Gunner came striding up amongst the group flipping a metal pipe in his hand. "I got a plan. Everybody calm down."

Walking towards the nearest wall of the mine, a grin on his face. His bowie knife in hand pointing at the rocky wall triumphantly.

"Phosphate rock." Gunner was deep in his head at this point.

"What's he doing?" Lee questioned skeptically at Barney.

"Probably making a bomb," replied Barney without a second thought.

"You serious?" Lee's eyebrow raised high in doubt.

"Ask him." Barney was already turning his head watching Gunner.

"Whatcha doin' Gunner?"

"I'm making a bomb, you mind?" Gunner glared at Lee, his knife scratching little bits of rock off the wall into the metal pipe in his hand.

"A maniac with brains." Snipped Barney.

"Scary." Though Lee wasn't quite sure what was worse, Gunner thinking about making a bomb or the fact that he was thinking in general.

Slipping his knife back in his holster, walking back towards the group with a plan in action. Gunner felt like he was in his element.

"Phosphate rock, it's got a density of 1.852. Melting point, 44.2 centigrade." Walking around his comrades as he spoke. "Guys, I want some gunpowder, fast."

All of them looked at him like he was nuts and maybe Gunner was, too many years of drugs and alcohol clouding his brain and his judgment. it was hard to take him seriously until Barney spoke up with that air of authority.

"Do it. The man's a chemical engineer, right?"

"And a Fulbright Scholar." Snarked Gunner with a smirk. "Pour it in the pipe." Tossing the pipes at Caesar.

"The big man might be onto something," Barney stated pulling out shell casing from his vest.

"You think?" Again Lee was questioning the idiocy.

"Probably not," Barney shrugged, but what other option did they have right now?

"You need some help with that? Let's go!" Gunner growled at Toll. He was trying to balance his grip on Y/n and pulling out what he had in his pockets with gunpowder.

"I'll fucking knock you the fuck out Gunner," Toll fumed glaring up at him. Caesar as always running interference.

"Here. Go blow yourself up." Caesar snapped tossing the pipe back at Gunner with force.

"Lighter?" Looking at Barney as if he was the only one in the group that had some sort of incendiary device, but the lighter was already sailing through the air and into Gunner's palm.

"I want that back," Barney grumbled. He wasn't expecting much to happen at all, not when it came to a plan of Gunner's. If it had been a plan coming from Toll it would have been a different story, but he was too occupied to think straight.

"Better get back!" Gunner chuckled lighting strips of fabric at the end of the bomb. "This is gonna be loud!"

Workers and the rest of the team up on their feet scrambling away from the blocked exit. Toll carefully and gingerly taking cover with Y/n cradled to his chest. He kept looking down at her face, those beautiful eyes hidden behind closed lids. Toll kept pleading with her to wake up, but still, Y/n didn't move.

Gunner was ecstatic, he couldn't wait for the explosion. He wanted to the one to rescue the lot of them. In truth, he was out of alcohol and already starting to get the shakes. He needed to get out of there and get a drink. His own little demons crawling around inside him screaming out for booze.

They all sat back waiting, eyes closed and ears covered but nothing happened. The fuse on the bomb had fizzled out, the metal casing had fallen to its side. Nothing, absolutely nothing had happened. No explosion, no loud noise, no rocks breaking free opening their escape route. Jaded and disheartened, the whole lot of them had started to believe that's how it would end, stuck miles underground in a mine that no one knew existed.

Toll fell movement in his arms. Y/n was fidgeting, squirming, her cheek rubbing against his shirt as she mumbled. Glancing down in panicked glee he watched her palm slip up his chest and around his neck.

"Sweetheart?"

"Five more minutes," Y/n grumbled snuggling herself into his neck. Toll was grinning over the moon. "Shh, sleepy time."

"Nah, you can sleep later." Toll chuckled pulling her away from her cozy spot.

Y/n groaned, blinking adjusting to the darkness. Every bit of her hurt, the telltale ache of a fight screaming throughout her body. Sitting up dazed, peering at Toll and his toothy grin.

"Now I know I'm dead if the rest of you assholes are in my dream." Y/n griped annoyed turning to her defense mechanism of jokes.

Toll was damn near speechless staring back at her. She shifted in his lap but stayed where she was. Caesar offering her a drink from his canteen while Toll slipped a hand into his pocket pulling out a tiny tin. For the longest time Y/n and Toll sat in silence lost in a staring contest, neither willing to blink.

A myriad of emotions sweeping between the both of them. Both sat tense as could be, almost like stone until she caught the movement of his hand out of the corner of her good eye. Smelled the hint of lavender as he flipped off the lid of the little tin container in his hand. Y/n closed her eye letting the tiny smile curl over her mouth feeling the tip of a calloused finger sweeping over each cut and gash.

There's so much she wanted to say, all those words right there on the tip of her tongue, and yet none of them want to form or make a sound. That familiar tension wafting between them hanging over them like a cloud. A thunderstorm of emotion ready to rain down them when the right words were spoken but were never uttered out loud.

Toll put the tin away, satisfied he'd done all could at the moment. She'd need stitches and a nice hot shower to clean out all the gunk, but for now, it'd have to do. Her breath hitched in her throat feeling his hands trail up her sides and around her back. Nestled on her shoulder blades tugging her in, hugging her, holding her close but he just couldn't say it. He just couldn't say what needed to be said.

Y/n closed her eyes leaning her temple into his, breathing in the woodsy musky scent that was Toll. Feeling the tension ebbing and waning between them. His chest pushing into hers with each wary breath. Feeling his fingers gently grasping a tighter hold on her. His shaky exhale and how the moist hot breath tickled her neck.

Why was it so complicated? Why couldn't either of them just come right out and say it? How could three little words be so damned impossible to speak? 'I love you' seemed to be the most loaded and dangerous phrase in all of existence and despite it all, they were both dying inside not having spoken it aloud.

Walls shaking, debris falling from the ceiling. A thunderous noise echoing out in the chamber as bits of rock fell and slipped away from their only way out. Bodies scrambling to get as far away from the noise as they could. Murmurs of desperation and fear filling the air. Creaking and clanging of metal machinery bursting through the rock face. Y/n could smell the cigar smoke and laughed before the others responded.

"I'm back," Trench's smug voice filling their ears.

Workers and victims of Vilain rushing through the opening and out of the mine. Throngs of tired and weary bodies making their way down the ramshackle road as they reunited with their loved ones. Toll walked beside Y/n helping her amble out of the mine and into the daylight. The conversation between Trench and Barney partially ignored by all until a black SUV pulled up beside them and out came Church.

Scanning the crowd of people not content until his sights were locked on Y/n. He watched her approach as he, Trench, and Barney talked of their plan of attack on Vilain. All he could think of was saving his own ass from the fury that would rain down on him the second he stepped foot on American soil. Church would be lucky if he kept his position in the Agency at all after all of this.

"You're sitting this one out," Church tried reasoning with Y/n even if it was for his selfish reasons. "He knows, he sent me to help."

"What the hell do you mean HE sent you? He doesn't know about all of this does he?" Y/n's voice raised, carried high enough for all to hear. Toll tensing beside her.

"Yeah, yeah he does." For the first time, Church appeared... scared.

"Oh my god!!" Pacing back and forth rubbing her face groaning in panic. "Great! Just fucking great!"

"What's wrong?" Barney's mind coming back to the story Billy had told at the bar not too long ago.

"Nothing! Let's go get Vilain." Y/n stared down Church until he was silent. Motioning the rest of the team to follow as a chopper touched down.

Various sets of eyes glanced between Y/n and Church. Studying the way she readied for the fight ahead. Cracking her neck from side to side slipping the tack vest over her chest. Slamming a magazine in her rifle, stuffing extras in her pockets. Knives, pistols, and spare ammo in any spot she could find. She was a completely different woman than they'd witnessed moments before.

"What about your eye?" Church raised a brow unsure she should be fighting at all. The black eye given by Vilain's men during hers and Billy's capture was swollen closed.

"You know nothing about me. Stupid on your part." Y/n grinned angrily. "Disadvantages," pointing at her swollen eye, "only piss me off and that's when I'm at my best, but so help me, if HE's physically here I'm shooting you first Church."

Caeser opened his mouth to ask who she was talking about but the twitch in her eye said otherwise. Y/n wasn't in the mood for bullshit anymore, all she wanted now was revenge. Staring down at a tiny monitor tracking Vilain's movements and the airport only a few miles away.

~~~~~~

Running through the terminal taking out soldier after soldier. She could hear the shouts and yells of her teammates. Always catching a glimpse of Toll not too far away embroiled in his own fight. He'd made her promise not to stray too far from him, but that wasn't usually possible in a fight. He knew she could handle herself that wasn't the issue, it was her stubbornness and refusal to let anyone know just how much pain she was in.

Clenching her teeth and hissing back a yelp. Vilain's men had done a number on her days before and Hector had only made it worse. She was sure there was a cracked rib or two, bruising down to her bones, but now wasn't the time. Vilain and his men had to pay and the plutonium couldn't leave that airport. Y/n took cover behind a ticket booth, swapping out for her last full magazine, damn near empty on ammo.

The fight had been dragging on for more than twenty minutes. Bodies and empty bullet casing littered the terminal floor. Barney had run after Vilain and Lee after Hector. It wouldn't be long before she'd have to go hand-to-hand combat if she couldn't get her mitts on a fresh weapon and soon. Glancing up in time, Y/n saw the legendary Lone Wolf himself giving her cover fire.

"Let me guess," she yelled up at him through the hail of gunfire. "HE sent you too Booker?"

"Just repaying a debt Lil one," Booker winked before running off making her grumble. She was starting to feel like a little kid all over again. A cavalry being sent in just for her because HE was worried.

~~~~~~~~

The fight or more so the small-scale battle was over. What was left of Vilain's soldiers taken alive were cuffed and transported awaiting punishment for their crimes. Toll was right beside Y/n practically carrying her out of the terminal. She was running on sheer adrenaline fumes now. Pain flooded her body and mind. Wincing with each step towards Church's poor excuse of a plane to get them home.

She dozed off curled into Toll before the plane was even fully in the air. Y/n was still in a deep slumber when Barney made the descent onto a tiny airstrip in France. He'd made his mind up after Billy died that he'd deliver his share from the job and his letter to his girl. It was the least he could do, but Y/n had other plans.

Waking up hearing Barney telling the guys to give him an hour and he'd be back, but Y/n sat up wiping the sleep from her eye. Barney stared at her curiously for a moment before it dawned on him what she was doing. Standing shakily, letting out a heavy sigh she motioned for the box in Barney's hands.

"It's better this way." Y/n swallowed back the anger she'd held onto over Billy's death.

"Why's it gotta be you?" Lee was perplexed staring her down.

Catching movement outside the plane window, Y/n saw the sedan pull alongside the plane. Darkened windows and government plates, she knew the M.O. of the person inside. Toll didn't understand, after everything they'd gone through she ... she was leaving? Slipping his hand through hers, squeezing tightly. Peering confused and hurt, just as worried as the rest of them.

"We can wait," Barney nodded toward the cockpit. "All get home together."

"There's something else I need to take care of and it appears to be waiting." She shook her head sighing, box clutched under her arm.

"You're leaving?!" Gunner grumbled hurt.

"Not permanently, no." His concern as misguided as it was sometimes was endearing. "There's just ... "

"I'll come with you." Toll was up on his feet standing behind her. His pack slung over his shoulder ready to go. He didn't go through hell and back to let her walk alone now.

Barney and Lee finally noticed the waiting car, exchanging glances not liking the unknown one bit. Y/n turned, putting the box on a seat. Why couldn't she do it? Why couldn't she just fucking tell him that she loved him? Why couldn't she say those three stupid little words? Those damned loaded words were stuck in her throat just hanging there. The words were formed and given life but the strength to push them out into forming sounds and giving them meaning wouldn't come.

Staring into those stoic blue/grey eyes, those midnight storms and falling star-filled eyes. To wake up to those beautifully raging oceans each morning was more than she could ever want, but damned if she could tell him.

"Do you trust me?"

Cupping his face in her palms as she smiled, seeing the doubt and worry in them broke her heart. It couldn't possibly mean what she hoped. Toll huffed a small laugh and nodded his head. He trusted her more than she'd ever realized. Toll wanted to be selfish, wanted to hold her, refusing to let her leave, but what would that solve?

His words were failing him again. Unable to say what should have been said long ago. Nodding his head reluctantly. Flooded with guilt that'd he thought the worst of her and Billy, but it all came out after they buried him. Finding out that he had a girl he wanted to marry. The demons were snarling inside his head and he was doing everything he could to stay strong because he was too overwhelmed looking at her bruised face. The demons were telling him he wasn't good enough and it was for the best.

Wordlessly, Toll warily yanked her into him, engulfing her in a hug he never wanted to end. Smiled feeling her arms snaking around his neck. That same tremble in her body shaking against him as they held each other tight. Y/n leaned up placing a lingering kiss on his cauliflower ear and whispered.

"I promise you, cross my heart that I WILL come home."

The men watched wordlessly as she stepped out onto the tarmac. The awaiting driver pulling open the backdoor for her. She risked another glance at Toll and she almost wished she hadn't because the heartbreak in his eyes filled her stomach with a sinking feeling. Maybe it was all in her head, maybe Caesar was wrong. Maybe she was nothing more than a friend because if she was more than, why wouldn't he have said anything after all this time?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n sat at a little cafe watching and waiting for Billy's girl to show. She'd been hard to track down just the way Billy intended. He never wanted this kind of life to come back to haunt her, but life was funny like that. Y/n watched for days to get her schedule just right. No matter the speech she played in her head, she just couldn't face her. To be the bearer of bad news, not after getting the two of them together in the first place.

Sipping her coffee, seeing the front door to the apartment open. A crisp nurse's uniform washed and pressed on her tiny frame. Her sneakers were the first to find the surprise on the doorstep, to bump into the box. Glancing around the courtyard, looking up and down the street before she bent over and picked it up.

Y/n watched gutted and troubled seeing her slump onto the front step with her hand over her heart. She had to have known the way her eyes crinkled and mouth trembled. Slender delicate hands slipping open the box seeing the piles of cash, but it was the letter she went for first. Familiar loopy handwriting that called out to her.

Y/n could feel the burning stare of eyes on her. She'd known it was coming, she'd been in the city for days and he still had yet to make himself known. Though he had a hotel room for her and sent a doctor to treat her wounds, he'd yet to make himself known. It was a matter of when and yet he always seemed to come at the right time. A tall solidly built grey-haired man in an expensive suit slipped into the little bistro seat across from her.

"Don't beat yourself up kid," he said calmly as she glared back at him through sunglass hidden eyes.

"I'm not," Y/n huffed sipping from her coffee cup.

"I think I know you well enough to see that look in your eyes." he half-smiled warmly as Y/n rolls her eyes. "It wasn't your fault you know."

"Doubt it, so can we talk about something else." Her eye-line trailed back to Billy's girl as she silently wept on those steps.

They sat in silence watching the woman across the street as she unsteadily got up and walked back into her apartment. Her shift at the local hospital all but forgotten, Y/n knew she'd call in sick, give herself a few days to grieve. The older man and Y/n finally making eye contact again. Y/n rolled her eyes closed inhaling deeply and let out an exhausted sigh as she sat back in her chair slipping the sunglasses up onto her head.

"I like him," the suited man spoke with a soft side smile.

"Who?" Y/n questioned curiously, but a small part of her had her suspicions because it didn't seem like there wasn't anything he didn't already know.

"The man you live with. Exemplary record, several tours of duty, decent marksmen. He seems like a good man."

"He IS a good man. He's probably the most selfless, stubborn, set in his ways man, but he is better than he'll ever give himself credit for. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a best friend. He pushes me to be better than I am, he makes me better and I... I."

"You love him." The grey-haired man stated as a matter of fact with a growing smile as he glanced at Y/n as she turned her attention towards the faded paint on the tabletop.

"Who says I love him?" She grumbled feeling the heated blush throbbing on the tips of her ears.

"A father knows when his daughter's in love." He stood up and straightened his suit jacket, ruffled the top of her head with a chuckle. "Call your mother, you know how she worries."

"Step-father and I'm sure you've told her everything I'm up to," Y/n grumbled.

"That's beside the point," he laughed as he walked towards a waiting car.


	13. Chapter 13

She'd been gone three long agonizing weeks. Toll hardly slept, found himself wandering the house restlessly throughout the night. His books didn't offer any comfort, the words blurred together in inky blobs on the paper. Found himself rereading the same sentence over and over before he gave up. He caught himself standing in the doorway to her bedroom looking inside. Faint hints of her scent hung in the air.

Staring inside seeing the mattresses laying on the floor, he shook his head. There wasn't much time between that awkward morning and recon missions so Y/n hadn't bothered to buy a new bed frame. How she laughed and the jokes made how they'd slept in worst places in the military, hell a mattress on the floor was better than sleeping on Barney's plane.

He was aimless and didn't know what to do with himself without her there. Not hearing her singing in the shower or feeling her fidgeting on the couch beside him. The house was silent without her presence. The silence was deafening, pounding and echoing in his ears. It seemed so impossible how much he craved her very being in his life. How much had changed because of her.

On the 22nd night she'd been gone, he was awoken by keys jingling in the front door. Ambling out of his room and down the hall, his senses on edge. Not a single light in the house had been on, only the dim light from the streetlamp across the street streaking through the window lit her silhouette.

The heavy sigh that fled her lips, the way her body moved. That familiar loaded thump of her footsteps as they walked across the wood floor. Each step screaming out that she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. Finally being able to breathe, the events of everything hitting like a brick wall.

Catching his shadow in the hallway, Y/n dropped her duffle on the floor. Sniffling back the tears that never seemed to want to stop. The same thoughts, the same images that made her cry the whole flight home. Still hearing Billy's voice in her ear, the cry of agony as his body hit the ground as she was dragged away.

For too many years she'd learned to internalize that sort of pain. To cram it down deep inside, to not show weakness. Years of wars and battles, of bloody fights and losing men, friends, and comrades in arms. Something of Billy's death was different though. She couldn't keep those feelings in check, the belief that it was all her fault.

Constantly going over everything in her head for the last three weeks. Wondering what she could have done differently, but nothing came to accept the fact that she lived and he died. The tears were streaming, falling from her face like a cascading waterfall.

She couldn't keep the noise from leaving her throat, the choked sob. The whimper that screamed out in the darkness. Racing across the living room and launching herself into Toll. Her head bouncing off his chest, his arms already locking themselves around her. She tucked her arms under and around his back. Fingers digging into his shoulder blades.

"Shh," Toll whispered kissing the top of her head.

"I couldn't face her," Y/n's voice croaked hoarsely. "I couldn't... he's dead Toll." Her body trembling turning to jelly.

"Not you're fault." Cupping her face in shaky hands, forcing her to look at him.

Puffy eyes staring back at him. Fragile and dangerous rolled up into a ticking time bomb was what she was. Picking her up, holding her close he walked them both down the hall and into his bedroom. He sat back on the bed with her tucked around him doing his best to soothe the beast that was raging inside her.

"Everything about you is fighting to survive right now," brushing her hair from her face. He was breaking inside seeing her like this. "Emotions are raging, your body is struggling against itself because your mind is so convinced you should have been the one to die."

"But I... " peering up at him through watery eyes.

"Stop," he shook his head, thumbs wiping away what tears he could. "I know what you're thinking sweetheart and nothing you could have done would have changed a thing. You lived and that's a guilt that some of us never get over."

"Toll," she hesitated to continue. She'd worked up the courage, the nerve to tell him, but seeing the way he was looking at her now, she just couldn't. Instead, she curled herself around him and hid her face in the crook of his neck.

"I'm here," pressing a kiss to the soft tresses of her hair, just on the cusp of the back of her head. "No matter the demons battling inside, I'm here Y/n."

~~~~~

For weeks he'd been by her side, attached at the hip. Toll was afraid to leave her alone, afraid that she might not be there when he got back. Plagued with nightmares, waking up in a panic. Blankets were thrown about, sheets slick and damp with sweat. Her name stuck in his throat.

He wanted nothing more than to curl up beside her, hold her close. Tuck his arms around her and never let her go, but he never let himself. Never allowed himself to pad down that hallway and knock on her door. Never let the levee inside him to break and wash over her with all he felt.

They'd gone back into old routines. Laying on the couch reading or watching a Pay per view match on the flat screen. Leaning in the kitchen doorway watching her sway to a song that caught her fancy. Listening to her mumbling words as she made coffee and breakfast. Dinners out in the backyard under the stars.

His demons were laughing at him, calling him a coward. Telling him he'd never be what she needed. Toll could tell she'd gone back into old habits. After that first night back home she'd put up her defenses again. Gone back to old coping mechanisms. Turning to humor as a deflection, but he could see it in her eyes.

~~~~

Y/n told him to go out and have a boy's night at the bar. Assured him she'd be fine, that he must have been sick of hanging out with her by now. Both laughed awkwardly at the door as she tried pushing him out of it knowing it wasn't true but he went reluctantly. Sitting at the table surrounded by the guys hearing the escapades since the last time they were together.

It didn't feel the same. The music was awful, the bar was too crowded and the beer didn't even taste right. Toll knew someone was talking but he didn't hear them. Toll kept wondering what she was doing. Was she lounging on the couch or did she go out on her own?

He sat nervously bouncing his leg in his seat. Kept glancing at his phone. Nothing felt right and he didn't like it. The uncomfortable feeling slinking around inside him. Downing his beer, he said good night to the guys and left.

"He was only here an hour?" Christmas scoffed putting his feet up on the chair Toll had left empty.

"Yeah, but if you had someone like Y/n living with you, would you stay out at the bar all night?" Caesar smirked suspicions and wild notions ran around in his head.

"No," Barney shook his head with a smirk. "You assholes would never see me again if I had a girl like Y/n at home."

She never heard his engine cut off or the keys jingling in the front door. It wasn't until he called out her name that she sat up on the couch and quickly changed the channel. Wiping the tears off her face before he noticed.

"What are you up to?" Setting his keys in the bowl on the table by the front door.

"Uh watching Diesel Brothers," but the crack in her voice gave her away.

Toll flopped down next to her on the couch noticing Y/n trying to hide her face. Crooking his index finger under her chin turning her head to face him. He saw the redness, the puffiness, the shiny lines down her cheek. Instantly worried but not wanting to force her to talk so he tried to crack a joke.

"Diesel Brothers makes you cry now?" Arching a brow he smiled skeptically at her.

"Fine," Y/n signed turning the DVD back on.

The DVD paused with Robin Williams on screen in a field of skulls. It was dark and haunting. The anguished appearance. Wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her hoodie. The sound of the choked sob that stuck in her throat.

"What's it about?" His chin nodded toward the screen. His thumb wiped away a stray tear. Resting his arm behind her on the couch.

"He dies in a car accident a few years after losing their kids in one. He goes to heaven and he's happy until he finds out that his wife who couldn't handle living without him killed herself." Y/n sniffled again. He saw more tears welling up in her eyes. "They loved each other so much that she couldn't live without him and he didn't want to be in heaven without her. So he leaves heaven to find and rescue her from the depths of hell. It's just... to love someone like that. God, I feel like such a girl right now." She laughed but the attempt was weak.

Toll took the remote from her hand and started the movie over. Y/n didn't know what to say as she sat on the other end of the couch. He caught that expression in her eyes again. What was it? Longing? Remorse?

Turning himself on the couch, stretching out his legs, he pulled her towards him. Shuffling and moving awkwardly as he laid on his back nestling her on his chest. Tugging her blanket over the both of them. She'd become so rigid and tense, but it soon disappeared as his palm gliding up and down her back.

What Dreams May Come, a movie he'd never taken a second glance at, but now he wished he could have. The spiritual and emotional journey the characters had traveled. A love that transcended all. Soulmates and love at first sight. Such pain and agony the couple endured, but somehow they made it through the other side together until tragedy struck them yet again.

All that pain and loss in that film struck a nerve with Toll. All that heart-wrenching torment. Loving someone so much one couldn't be without them. How empty it felt to be alone, missing your other half, the one that made you whole. The psychological implications of what it meant to lose such a love. Toll felt like he was staring at himself up on that screen.

Toll walked through hell and back to rescue Y/n and he'd repeat that journey the rest of his life because he loved her. He'd face anything for her, conquer any foe, topple kingdoms and crumble regimes into dust. He'd sacrifice all that he had in him just for her to live and that part scared him. To have someone like her come into his life and make him feel so deeply. To make him care, to make him want to do better, to be better.

The credits were rolling past the screen and he'd decided he'd had enough. Clearing his throat, staring up at the ceiling. All those words he'd rambled through his head for months dancing across his tongue. His fingers gliding through her hair.

"Sometimes I find myself slipping and going into a dark place," kissing the top of her head. "You never tried to change me, never tried to make me something I'm not. You just sit beside me in that darkness and hold my hand and share that burden with me. When I'm trying to say is... I -I love you."

There was no reply, not even a peep until the snore crept out of her mouth. Rubbing her cheeks against the softness of his shirt as more little noises left her throat. She was out stone cold asleep and lost to the world. Closing his eyes and laughing to himself, yet another in a long line of cosmic jokes.

He let those emotions, those loaded words finally come out and she never heard it. How could the Universe be so cruel? What was it about him that made the Fates want to toy with him so? Carefully maneuvering off the couch, he carried her down the hall to her room. The demons in his head having a field day laughing at him.

Staring down at her sleeping form, all that guilt faded and long gone from her features. A soft smile appearing as his thumb swept over her jaw brushing hair away, tucking it behind her ear. How could this woman make him so strong and yet so weak at the same time?


End file.
